Sooo... I've been busy.

I am really loving this snow... not.
I hate it so much.
And as a smoker who is always outside freezing her tush off with all her smoker friends,i would know how cold it is.
At least i have kolby to keep me warm.
=)
Aww it was cute he wrote me a poem today.
It talked about the moment we had in between the cars when we first started to talk, and almost kissed, but then a friend came and ruined the moment. Funny now, not so much then. And it mentioned the nights we spent together camping and when we laid under the stars at the summit.
It was the sweetest thing ever.
Coming up to seven months now.
SEVEN!
I cant even believe it.
And really i dont see us ending anytime soon.
We are lovers, but bestest friends too.
I love him.



And work has been good-ish.

But i have had so much fun with ashley kolby and tat lately.
A great group of friends.

Oh my effin gee.

Today = no words can describe.
But wow, really. i spent all day with kolby, and mary jane.
What a day. We should do that more.

Sooo.....

Well this is going to be an interesting blog. Due to conflicting content. Lets start with Church.
Christian City Church is the best. I love the environment. I love what the Pastors have to say, and how they say it. (Pastor Bill, and Pastor Eric)
The youth events are a lot of fun. Even though I only went to youth last Friday. It was a mix of games, worship, and prayer. It was very moving. I really felt something. The youth there are great, so normal. I don't feel judged there at all.
Its fantastic. And I'm going on week 5 this weekend. I really am looking forward to it.
So yeah i might have a job. Sportchek at sunridge. I really hope i get it!
I need insurance money. lol.
I feel so great right now. I had the best day with kolby.
It both started great and ended great.
I had the surprising Revelation that i am truly in love with him.
crazy.

Big pat on the back

So i am actually keeping up with my school work, which is awesome.
I just got home from a job interview i think i did excellent on.
Me and Kolby are happy together, almost four months. =)
I actually feel ok.
=)

Im a red head.

And my moms pissed,
I have to go to school tomorrow.
And after seening him i cant stop thinking of him.
Sorry.

Soo...

Long time since i have posted anything important, (to me).
I have been so busy working my ass off. Im going to start looking for a real part time job soon, insted of this come in if we need you kinda job. I hate inventory.
But im making good money. And Me and my dad are going to look at a car tomorrow night. Hopefully its decent.
Ugh, so kolby leaves in 12 days (sadface), and he is gone until the 16th, and i leave on the 14h for like a week(ish). So im gonig to reallllly miss him. Hopefully i can talk to my parent and we can make a trip in to pick him up. But who knows. (Two months and Five days strong :)heart:)
Im so scared of moving.
I mean i love the new house. Its going to be perfect. But still.
Whatever. I dont know.
I miss jess, i hope shes having fun in B.c. I miss her so much.
And she wont be here to say good bye.
But i guess living with her and her fam for a couple weeks will make up for it =)
I cant wait for that.

Yay!

I finally got a new camera to replace the one i broke.
Its pink (gag), but it matches my phone so whatever.
But it has everything i need, so its all good.

23634 for the wedding band and first year anniversary
3917 for the engagement

Bridesmaid dresses

Dessy Bridesmaid Style 2506
Tea-length strapless dress has matte satin bodice and full shirred skirt in chiffon. The sash is made of matte satin and can match or contrast with the main dress color. Sizes available 0-28, and 0-28 extra length. Optional spaghetti straps are included
Dress Colors Available: cornflower
Sash Colors Available: arctic

Dress idea 2

Monroe Wedding Gown
This striking chiffon gown catches the eye with its glistening glass cut beads and sequins. It is shown in white and comes with a matching wrap and purse. Be sure to look at the matching bolero jacket.
more pictures
http://www.bridalonlinestore.com/Collection/product-page.asp?q=Wedding+Dress&SKU=Monroe&i=5543362889#Page_1

Dress ideas

Dominique Wedding Gown
This exquisite gown is made from matte duchess bridal satin with an organza overlay and a starburst of clear cut glass crystals. It adds a special touch for your special day. Shown in Ivory, also available in White. (Strapless, lace up back, not really poofy!!!)

http://www.bridalonlinestore.com/collection/product-page.asp?SKU=Dominique

Cake!

Beautiful. Just perfect. Except i would want the flowers to be a nice cornflower blue.

Hmm....(Wedding series)

Glenmore Inn & Convention Centre
The Glenmore Inn can provide an all-inclusive wedding
package, which includes:
• Ceremony area
• Elegant reception room
• Experienced fine dining staff
• Fruit and alcoholic punch on arrival
• A Choice of one of our elegant meals
• Wine service with dinner
• Continuous coffee and tea service
• Complimentary bar service 9:00pm-1:00am
• Disc Jockey 9:00pm-1:00am
• Accommodation for the couple including sparkling
wine and complimentary continental breakfast
• Gift for the couple
• Centerpiece for tables
• All service Charges

Ready? Set? GO!

Today Kolby came with me and my mom to visit my grandparents down in Nanton. It was fun.
Tomorrow Me, Jess, Kolby and Kyla are all going to sneek a peek.
Kolby is coming over around 4:30. Picking Kyla up at 5, hopefully her grandma is ok (she has another raidiation treatment at 3:10) And then Jess is coming over 5:30-6ish.
It will be fun.
Then Kyla is spending the night, (man we need to catch up...her and ryan broke up...after she beat the shit out of him, left him crying in an alley and keyed his car, adding "bitch" to the hood of it, now i just need to know why...)
Then its up early for the parade, me kyla and jess all going down for that. ( i really need smokes for all this...)
Chill all afternoon.
Consider going to youth... ( i dont like going anymore. Its just weird, HATE meeting new people, i never exactly mesh well....sorry westborne peeps)
Saturday its up early again to go volunteer at the abbydale stampede breakie.
Me and jess are chilling with the little'uns, tattoos and (maybe) face painting(?)
Hanging with Jess, Kolby Joey, Robert and Jorge.
Getting up for church. Hanging with Kolby and (maybe) Jess.
Getting up early, me and Jess going to stampede.
Kolby meeting us there later.
Robert or Jesse Ross meeting up with us (subject to change)
Rides all day.
Simple plan, chuckwagons, SLINGSHOT!
Fireworks.
Bed.
Sleeping for the next three days to catch up on lost sleep =)


I cant fricken wait!!!!!

=)

Yay! Jess got her tattoo?
But SHHHHH, her parents dont know.

There's a good reason these tables are numbered Honey, you just haven't thought of it yet

So i have discovered how lonely i feel.
I miss being at school with everyone.
I miss going to youth.
Despite Kolby and Jessica, Jesse, Jared, and Kyla, i feel lonely.
It sucks.
And i feel like I'm always busy.
Packing to move (our house is FINALLY sold), working, hanging out, volunteering, and stampede.
It is just all so crazy.
Now i'm looking for a car and planning to take a drivers course, so i can get my licence.
Ughh.
If anyone wants to just save me for a day and just chill that would be nice.
But everyone else so so busy too, that i dont really ever except it to happen.
FML.

This is a shocking twist....

I am an alien for another planet.
Nah jk, but it would explain a lot.
I'm just feeling really weird lately.

Wow.

Well 10 points for nearly fainting.
20 for going home and sleeping.
30 for me and me mom teaming up so i can still go to bible study tonight.
I am absolutely exhausted.
I'm glad Kolby sent me home.
I had a nice nap.
Ugh. I hate stress, and all i can do is stress.
So i cant eat, or sleep.
But i couldnt eat anyway. Or even be around food being cooked. The aromas make me sick.
UGHHHHHH.
I am SO over this cold/flu whatever thing i have.

=)

Well I just want to say thank you to counsellor s.g.
Thank you for being helpful.
Sometimes i dont get very good responses, you you gave me a great one.
KHP is awesome.
Thanks for always being there.

Your just funny. Funny man, yes you are.

Hahaha. Thats the funniest thing i have ever heard!
Morning sickness...
haha.
.....................yeah. I can laugh about that for real in 8 days when i can confirm its not.

Ugh.

Sick and feel like dying.
Going over to Kolby's.
Still in PJ's.
Sad face.
*Koff koff hack hack*
URGGGG!
I cant wait to see him...
But i dont have the energy to get ready.

SUMMER!!!

Well since it’s been forever since I have blogged, I am going to take the time now to do so. So Kolby and me have been together for two weeks. That’s so exciting! But it seems like it’s been longer than that. My mom and Jessica agree. Him and I are just so good together. We can just enjoy being together, whether we’re hanging with his parents, or with our friends at school. It doesn’t matter. And the fact that his family likes me is so cool. Plus my ‘rentals think he’s a good kid. And my brother even likes him. So I’m happy. This summer is going to be great! I declared June 2nd to be the first day of my summer, but I’ve been sick, and now its cold and gross out so I’ll just never mind that.
But so far I’ve been having fun. Last Saturday jess and me went to Lloyds…for two hours. Then went to Kolby’s for a fire. We hung with him and his twin Joey, Michelle, Jesse and Jorge. It was interesting. Do YOU write in handwriting or cursive script? Lmao.
And Jess and I go for walks every night now. We usually end up playing at parks. I have pics of us on this spider web thingy by our house…its great. And Stampede plans... Don’t have many yet. Two days for sure with jess, and anyone else wanting to come. But I usually go with my ‘rentals once or twice and I have fam coming down from GP to do the whole stampede thing. So July 2nd Marianas Trench is playing. Yes its just sneek-a-peek, but I love Marianas Trench and I saw them last time they were here and its jut so much fun. And Then July 6th Jess and I are going to do rides and stuff all day, then stay for Simple Plan. Kolby and I have plans to see the superdogs and bull riding, possibly the chuckwagons; I just don’t know what day yet. And I would really like to go with Kyla Ryan and Jeff one night…but who knows. I just know im going to be there a lot this year and I cant wait! Another big event this summer is going to be Global fest. Its going to be great. I always have so much fun there. Hopefully Greg comes and visits this summer. And it is going to be so nice to go camping, with my, or Kolby’s family. It’s going to be a summer to remember that’s for sure. And i'm grateful for that. This summer has to be the best, because moving is going to suck, and all my friends are around here and I don’t want to move away from them all. So I can only enjoy while I can. And take LOTS of pictures. But yeah… I think that’s all for now.
XOXO

I have so much to do and not nearly enough time.
RAWR!

My asshole (soon to be ex) boyfriend

Justin
Hi Sam

7:50pmSamantha
i really cant talk to you right now.

you couldnt tell me the truth

you lied

i dont care you cheated

but i cant stand the fact that you lied

cheating means nothing next to lying

if you cared about me you could have told me the truth

i would have understood

7:51pmJustin
I was going to tell you. I was afriad that if I told you having not seen me in a while you would leave me

7:51pmSamantha
i really would have

i spent the entire time away from you missing you

im not that fickle

its the fact you lied

7:52pmJustin
I should have told you immediately

I feel horrible about the whole thing

I don't know what else I can do but promise to never lie to you again

You already know I'll never cheat again

7:56pmSamantha
No i dont know that. Because i have heard that more times than i can count. And every time i get burned. Im not as stupid as i used to be. i've learned alot by going through some of the things i have. And one thing i know is once a cheater always a cheater

so be honest about one thing and please tell me who it was

7:58pmJustin
Her name's Amanda. I know her through her brother. I fixed his bike on day. She and I had been friends with benefits for a few months before you and I started dating. I hadn't seen or talked to her since we started dating, and all of a sudden she shows up at my house. She asked me to take a walk with her in that "I think I'm pregant" kinda way. Not mine, I never did her.

7:58pmSamantha
omg.

well you told me that part today

thanks for leaving the imporant part out.

7:58pmJustin
We walked to a park and she asked if we could sit down. I was wearing sweats and going commando, and before I knew it she was blowing me after telling me she thought she might be pregnant with her boyfriends kid

7:59pmSamantha
asshole

7:59pmJustin
I was stupid and gave in

8:00pmSamantha
thats is the understatmeant of the year

Yay.
Ok so now that things are sorta ok with my mom i am kinda looking forward to this weekend up in GP.
But the eight hour drive doesnt seem like fun.
*Sigh*

Failing

Its something im great at. I mastered the art of failing.
I cant get anything right.
But its my own fault for not trying.
I think i am afraid that if i try i will fail.
So i dont try.
My parents comment daily on how im such a failure.
How can i feel i can be anything else?
Right now im an orphan.
My family has more or less disowned me.
Which hurts.
Mothers day yesterday was hard.
Church yesterday was hard.
I spent my time singing songs in my head to try to not think about the fact that i "have no mother"
Then i couldnt do it any longer and went outside to cry.
My mother figure picked me up, we went home and she locked herself in her room.
My dad stayed outside.
And i spent the day in my room crying and feeling like shit.
Im grounded from anything, so i couldnt call anyone, besdies they were all busy with their moms anyway.
I dont want to be at home, i dont want to be with anyone.
But at the same time i dont want to be alone.
Im at Jessicas right now.
Her mom gave me a huge hug, and asked if i wanted to spend the night.
I felt more love from her and Jess than anyone else i know, including my family.
I dont know why her and her mom dont get along.
Her mom is pretty special.
This entire family is.
I dont know what i would do without friends like them.
But i am really getting sick of living.
Last friday i almost did it.
Im getting so close, and im not scared anymore.
I used to be, but noww im not.
I really dont care if i live or die.
And i dont think many people would care.
I can think of a few.
And they matter a lot to me.
But eventually everyone would forget me and move on.
Two people have killed themselves at my school this year, a student and a teacher.
Maybe i could be the third.

This week’s playlist:
All I ever wanted- Basshunter
Amazed- Lonestar
Angel in the night- Basshunter
Believe- Cher
Beer Run- Garth Brooks
Convoy- Paul Brandt
Don’t Blink- Kenny Chesney
Don’t Think I don’t Think About It- Darius Rucker
Don’t trust me- 3OH!3
Dota- Basshunter
Drinkin’ Thinkin’- George Canyon
Dust on the Bottle- Tim McGraw
Fer sure- The Medic Droid
Friends in low places- Garth Brooks
Go girl- Pitbull
Goodtime- Alan Jackson
Grease lightning- from the movie Grease
Hand Grenade- Hedley
Heels over Head- Boys like girls
Here I your arms- Hellogoodbye
Hungry Eyes- Eric Carmen
I’m on a boat- the lonely island
I love college- Asher Roth
I love rock n roll- Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
I smell sex and candy- Marcy Playground
If I could turn back time- Cher
In her eyes- Bassuhunter
Inspector Gadget- Inspector Gadget
Jailhouse Rock- Elvis Presley
Jesse’s Girl- Rick Springfield
Just like Jesse James- Cher
Last kiss- Dion and the Belmonts
Move shake drop- Pitbull (Remix)
My Heart has a History- Paul Brandt
Operator (A Girl Like me) – Shiloh
Pop goes the world- Men without hats
Sex on fire- Kings of Leon
She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy- Kenny Chesney
Squeeze toy- The boomtang boys
Stay- Sugarland
Streamline- Newton
Strong enough- Cher
Summer of ’69- Bryan Adams
Suspicious Minds- Roy Orbison
The Thunder Rolls- Garth Brooks
Twist and Shout- The Beatles
Viva Las Vegas- Elvis Presley
Wouldn’t it be nice- The beach boys
You spin me right round- Dead or alive
You’re Gonna Miss This- Trace Adkins

Seriously. I am so Britany the last two weeks.

But i have never been happier.
First off Mel isnt pregnant.
But her actions are something people cant seem to stop talking about.
Maybe its because she is creating unnessary drama.
And Penner and I for the last week have been really really close.
Emotionally. We talk about eveything. Our hopes, dreams, our pasts, what has made us who we are.
Physically. Cuddling to keep warm, or because were tired. Holding hands just because.
No labels.
No worries about tomorrow.
Just now.
In the moment.
And its amazing.
And while jess is worried about HSM2 ending, im praying that she will be ok.
Spending more time at home, and no longer seeing the people she has spent countles hours with prepairing and performing.
I love that girlie.
But yeah, thats just me.
But g2g.
Xoxo

Ugh.

So i get to spend another friday in the family planning clinic.
The best part was seeing three other girls from my school there.
Two out of three are pregnant. So Melissa is freaking out.
She really doesnt want to be pregnant. And Jamie is an asshole.
So thats that.
And then there is another certain asshole i know.
Who is no longer single.
Which makes him a liar. And that really hurts.
But whatever.
And I really miss him and his hugs.
And his smile.
He is just adorable, but so sexy at the same time.
An intoxicating duo.
And then the next three weeks are going to be so freaking busy its not even funny.
Seriously next weekend Me and Jess are going swimming or skating because i will finally be off grounding.
And then the weekend after is Daisy and Robertos wedding.
The weekend after that i am going up to grande prarie for my cousins wedding reception from thursday to sunday. (yikes)
And then up to edmonton for YC.
Seriously, i can feel my enthusaism draining.
I went from feeling great to feeling like shit in a few hours.
*sigh*

Ok so I'm thinking I have allergies or something... But who knows?
I'm excited to see if Connor really is going after my brother...
I would love a reason to hurt the bastard. So justin is going to lunch with me tomorrow.
I'm sure if I ask nicely the clowns will watch my back. I know tarl won't let a guy swing at me... But who knows?
I saw the blog is back... What he wrote worries Me... I hope it's from a song or something...
But off to bed now, sweet dreams and goodnight.

Hmm. So the blog is now gone. That sucks, I enjoyed being able to look inside your head. I don’t know why you got rid of it, because I noticed you still have your other ones there. Whatever. I am so tired. Drinking energy drinks at 9 o clock is not the brightest idea. But thanks for talking to me and keeping me company. It would have been nicer if you were in bed with me, my room was so cold… and guys always are so warm. But seriously though my life in is mortal fucking peril. Child and youth workers do not get rich. I have never wanted to be rich. But I do want a nice house, and a truck. Plus children. And just looking at 25 year mortgages on the salary I could be making in the early years, it is making my head hurt. There is no way I could afford it.

LEVEL 1 Probationary Youth Worker
EARNINGS $25,000 to $30,000 a year
REQUIREMENTS • Diploma or degree in child and youth care, social work, or psychology
• Some experience working with children or teenagers, whether part-time or volunteer
RESPONSIBILITIES Working directly with young people; doing paperwork such as keeping records and organizing referrals to other social programs.

LEVEL 2 Youth Worker
EARNINGS $25,000 to $45,000 a year
REQUIREMENTS • At least 1 year of experience
RESPONSIBILITIES Taking on more difficult counselling and treatment cases; doing more administrative work.

LEVEL 3 Program Manager
EARNINGS $40,000 to $55,000 a year
REQUIREMENTS • Bachelor’s or master’s degree in social work or a related field, such as psychology, sociology, or criminology
• Further administrative training
RESPONSIBILITIES Working with youth; supervising staff; overseeing programs; possibly writing applications for funding grants.

LEVEL 4 Executive Director
EARNINGS $50,000 to $65,000 a year
REQUIREMENTS • Several years as a program manager
RESPONSIBILITIES Supervising the program manager; doing administrative work; establishing program goals and policies.

See, now I have my education planned out. I am going to take a diploma course at Mount Royal, (Child and Youth Care Counsellor.) And that is a two-year course. And then since my school counselor told me that U-Vic had a really good program there. So then I can get my Undergraduate Degree in four years there. And maybe get a job at a hospital or something. And then depending on how that goes I can go back for either my Masters (1 – 3 years to complete) or my PhD (4 - 6 years to complete). But really I have no idea.
Like I suppose that if I got married then there would be more money to pay bills and such, and I wouldnt do my schooling all at once. I would get my bachelors degree then go to work for ten years then go back for more schooling. But yeah, I have a major headache so I am going to stop thinking of this for a while.

Awe

OK so me and him were discussing the greatest things in the world.
We agreed monkeys and babies and cheese were top three.
But we argued about the Fourth spot.
He think I'm the greatest, but i think he is.
So then i came up with a compromise, that we both were.
But then he said that my name should go first. And I replied with...
"Lol Rawr!
No way. You name does and im not budging on this one "

And so he said
"Well RAWR back..

Lies!!!! You're definatly the best Sam. Hands down, curtains closed. <3 <3"

So rather then argure I replied,
"Lol.
Hmm, you know what? I've never been one for conforming to lists anyways.
So I'm throwing it in a fish tank.
Like pft... who needs lists anyways?"

And then him, in all his sweetness said,
"Wow!!
xD Youre awesome hahahaha!!!!!!!

But you're right though, screw lists. Best, Greatest, Most.. They're all just labels.

You amaze me beyond a point where it can be summed up into a label. Its infinite. :love:


At which point i burst in to tears because he is just so amazing.
And so sweet.

I'll be just fine pretending everything is ok.

...



















Even though its not

Realist vs. Idealist... who wins? Nobody.

Ed sono realmente malato di essere vivo...

Ugh.
No cell phone.
Cant go ANYWHERE. Not even for a walk.
Really i think its all a conspircy to get rid of me once and for all.
And now im too old for foster care, and we no longer have a case worker because our contract was up a few months ago.
So i reeally need to get a job, in case they decide to throw me out.
Which wouldnt surprise me. Its what they are good at.
And seeing how its getting warmer, I can just expect it.
Last year they never threw me out (like trash) when it was cold.
Two weeks, end of April till Second week of May. May long weekend till July. Two weeks in August, Three in September.
So its almost that time of year again.
I really hoped they were past that.
But after freaking out about two minor things and they told me that I could be leaving.
Last year I wasnt in school and doing drugs.
So yeah.
And people wonder why I'm so fucking depressed.
That would be part of the reason.
But I guess its my fault for not taking the prozac they perscribed.
Then again it didnt help me.
But neither did the Apo-Fluvoxamine they had me on first.
It made me feel hollow. Like a shell of a person, with nothing inside.
No happiness, No sadness. Nothing.
So I would rather feel this pain.
The dread of waking up each morning.
At least for now.
When I want to feel nothing, i'll just go play in traffic or swallow a handfull of pills.
Because cutting sucks, I ruined my favorite jeans today.
Three perfect lines of blood soaked right through.
I guess they were deeper than i thought.

Fuck you.

Yes i fucking hate you.
Yes, i do hate how no matter what i do you still assume the worst.
Yes, you are being a fucking prick.
Yes, i want to fucking fight with you, but i dont want to go to jail.
Yes i just cut myself. Nice, deep, crimson. Release.
Yes im going for a walk. no you wont let me come bacl

James and Ryan;;

I totally love you guys.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you for loving my uncoordinated self.
Even when your playing hacky sac.
=)
I never feel out of place with you.

I <3 my smoke pit buddies.

So...

I skipped again.
I am so grounded.
But I just dont feel like doing anything.
At all.
Im just in my usual slump and i'll get over it eventually.
Except this doesnt feel normal for me.
Its equally as miserable but all i want to do is sleep.
Because my dreams are so much better than reality.
I hate being awake, I hate living, but im actually scared to die.
Because not knowing is the worst thing ever.
A friend told me not to fear death, because, pain, sadness, despair, thoughs are all human things. After you die, your inhuman. So pain doesnt exist.
But then neither does love.
So idk...

My life is like a sick comedy-drama where I'm the main character and everyone is giving me shit the whole time all the time. Always tearing me down. I keep watching because I still believe there is a chance that things can get better in my life. I wont change the channel, until im absolutely sure this isnt what I worth watching.

Wow

Just wow. His words are so sweet. Talking with him makes me happy. And its so cool becuase we just totally understand each other. But just the way he makes me feel like im somebody worth caring for is the greatest feeling in the world.

"I dont think I could ever not care about someone like you. As odd as that might sound. You're just really amazing, someone I think deserves to be happy and treated with love and care."

"You're amazing and you deserve nothing less than the best. They're just jealous that you're truely amazing, I dont think anyone could match that. So of course they're going to try and take it away from you. But I wont let them! lol, You are amazing!! Dont let anyone tell you otherwise. "

"Thats so beautiful =) You're a really interesting person xD Different, but in a good way. "

"Yes I do say different alot. I dont talk to normal people.
I guess i kinda use it to describe something when I dont really know what else to say. It means theres a quality in you that I havent seen before. That I think is really fucking beautiful. Pardon my languange, only intended on emphasis. xD "

Message from random nexopia Friend

To: Crimson*tears
From: *************
Date: Mon Mar 30, 2009 11:12 pm
Subject: No Subject

"Life

Is about making yourself believe,
without thinking about how you're really being deceived. "


I dont know if i quite follow xD.

I guess from my perspective, Life is about pushing away thoes who have deceived. In attempt to find out what to really believe. If we just believe in one thing, and dont question what is around us. We will be lead to believe everything will be okay and we will end up in some happy place when were dead. I'm not denying that there is any place after life. But that, we should be embracing this life on this earth and preserve its beauty and ability to sustain us as live beings. For whatever after life we are bound to, they would all appear to be eternal. We only get to spend so long on our planet. If you just believe in what other people say and what has already been believed. Its just being passively ignorant of discovering what should truely guide you. When someone is born into catholicism, They are passed knowledge. Words and textual "fact", and told this is something you have to believe. Yes you can believe what you read and hold it your whole life, following its word and message to heart. Or you can go out and discover your own beliefs and values that you learn through life, if you have the right mind you dont really need a religion. Preaching religion is like taking the idea of going out and having a profound religious experience and replacing it with a book and be like. THERES GOD IN THIS BOOK!!! Believe it!

Sorry for that little rant haha. I dunno, I could have just misinterprited what you said. But thats sorta my. response. I dont mean any offense. Not at all, You're amazing I wouldnt try to offend you




-All of that is kinda interesting.
But so not where i was headed with that quote. lol

So just like a totally random thought...

I actually kinda miss the out of control party girl i used to be.
And its something i want back.
But this time with me in control.
I don't know quite how i am going to do that, but i will find a way.
I miss going out and being with lots of friends, having just a kick ass time.
Not caring much about rules or curfew.
Just letting go of all my insecurities.
Because I am back to my worry wart habit.
Where I worry about things that's are useless.
Someone asked me if I ever let anyone in.
Truth is I don't. Not anymore...
I have been burned so many times.
And Now I am an ice queen.
But last summer, I loved everyone and let them love and care about me.
I had no boundaries.
No walls.
But then I got hurt, by the one who i was closest to and i shut my self off from the world, but pretended that i hadn't.
And now, after a week from hell, i feel how alone i am.
The sick part of me loves it.
The sad part of me cant stand it.
And both parts agree that its too scary to do anything about it.
I can think of only a handful of people i have let in, and that's only because I let them in long ago....
And are such a permanent part of my life, i would have to excise them, just like a limb.
So i want to try to start putting my self out there, and stop walking on eggshells.
Im sick of pretending like everything is ok when its not and im going to start doing something about it.
I am going to LIVE my life. And expirence it.
And just soak it all up while i can.
I am going to stop saying no, and making excuses to get out of plans.
....Yeah

Fuck fuck fuck fuck!

This day just keeps getting worse.
no this week is.
Its been all fucking week.
First shit with someone from my past.
And that is fucking with my head massively.
Everyday is downhill with that.
And then today Layne breaks up with me.
Which sucks becuase i cant even be mad about it.
After nationals hes going to try out for cirque du sole.
And I cant be mad because he is following his dreams.
But it doesnt stop it from hurting.
And now my fucking uncle is coming over this weekend and i have to be here.
I dont want to fucking see him.
I dont want to meet his bitch of a new wife.
I dont fucking care.
And then my parents tell me that we are going to get passpports becuase my uncle is losing his job so he is moving down to new mexico with her.
So now were stuck going down over the summer as well.
I dont want any fucking part of it.
None of it.
Fuck.
I dont even want to wake up tomorrow.
Becuase something else bad will happen. And i cant fucking take it anymore.
Its all so fcuked.
And i am so sick of crying all the time.

Choke On This- Senses Fail

Half smoked cigarettes and you're the trash
That infests my sheets
Can't make a wife out of a whore,
Don't want your skin on me

And you're,
You're addicted to the drug of lust
A detox in the cold sweat of shame
And I love your pain

I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself
I'll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel
I'll lose you somewhere on a dusty shelf

So this love's been worn down, like songs on a tape
The sex has lost all of its fun, like gum loses taste

And you're
You're addicted to the drug of lust
A detox in the cold sweat of shame
And I love your pain

I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself
I'll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel
I'll lose you somewhere on the shelf

I'm here, lying in your bed, babe
Remember what you said to me
"You can be my James Dean; I'll be your sweet queen"

I said that you were my first, but you weren't even close, now
Like a frame in a movie, you're just one of many
Can you grant me one last wish?
Play russian roulette as we kiss
I'll be your cheap novelty
Blow your brains out on me

I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself
I'll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel
I'll lose you somewhere on the shelf

Dear Mr. Masochistic asshole

If you could kindly stop playing games with my head, i would appreciate it.
And do you think,
If its not to much to ask,
Could i have my heart back?
You know the one you ripped out and let your dogs use as a toy.
I am aware its probably not in the best shape,
poor thing never was from the moment we met.
And I know you claim that I hurt you,
but that isnt the case.
You hurt me, long before I left.
And you continue to hurt me now, long after I've gone.
But honestly I am aware that this is all of my own stupidity.
Stupid because I fell in love with you. -First(mistake) Love.
Stupid becuase I put up with EVERY single lie.
Stupid because I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
Regardless, if you could just stop, all of it.
Please do.
And if you happen to find any shredded pieces of me heart laying around,
mail it back to me.
Thanks so much.

Ok so anytime someone wants to slap some sense into me,
they are welcome to do it.
I wish someone would because im being stupid again.
AGAIN.
I reallllllyyyy just fucking fail.

I am a not so patient person

I still couldnt sleep last night.
And the second i woke up, (about five minutes ago)
I ran down here to see if he replyed.
Which he did. About 5 minutes after i logged off.
Fucking slutface.
And now I replyed to him.
And I am waiting for him to reply back to me.

hasdgjhdfuigh.lvfhury734w785796895rfgtjiur9gf12e765trg0-tdfhidhkdvjknvjnvxcjkdfbjkdfkfdhfasdhkase789drg789bf789bvc8sdf89we!#@#$%?&*HUHJCGFDDET%R&?THKBJUNHUH&*T?&?$RDFG*(JU)_MJNKBHNFESXW$%*()OI*&?%CGFU&?KW$UXW@%WC$%E$E$%DDFR
FUCK!

i dont get it.
i dont get you.
i dont get any of this.
i dont get why this is happening.
i dont get why i care still.
i dont get why any of this matters.
i dont get why im being so difficult.
i dont any of it.
i wish i knew why you acted that way.
i wish i knew why i acted that way.
i wish i knew why you made my heart, head and tummy feel funny.
i wish i knew why any of this is going to cause me to stay in therapy for years to come.

*Meltdown*

I feel like exploding.
Everything is just breaking down.
First off, I cant believe its over.
Were meeting up to saw goodbye.
That is hard for me to comprehend.
Seriously. It just is.
And I feel like i'm going to be sick.
Then there are so many people having so many problems and i cant help them all.
Not to mention im bitchy from this lifestlye change and i really want a big mac.
I have no clean clothes and im suppoed to go out in an hour and a half.
!!!!!!!
Fucking dirty cuntface son of a bitch!!

Woot spring break.

And the one person i want to spend time with is in school.
I am feeling seriously anti social.
Which is why she is the execption.
She is not my friend, she is my sister.
We understand everything on a totally didfferent level.
And right now i want my sister.
Wahh!
*sad face*

Um so i have no idea whats going on....
I may or may not be single.
I told jessica and she is as confused as i am.
Yay me for scaring off yet another guy....

*Snore*

I am so tired its not even funny...
I want to fall asleep now but i cant because i have to do house work.
So i can go out to lunch and go bowling.
I really need a job.
*sigh*
Oh well, off to lameness.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

...please.
I cant do this right now.

Wow. today sucked.
And now i hate everything.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
So i am just done. Done.

WTF

One conversation and my mind is totally centered on him.
FAIL.
Damn i need a fucking smoke, maybe something stronger...?
Mmm beer....

Blogs from last year....Oldest to newest.

02:41pm | Jun 14, '08 | Public

Why is it whenever I need a friend, There isn't one.
I really need a hug, There is noone to give one.
When I need to talk, there is noone to listen.

I have never felt pain any worse than when I looked up, and realized
That I have been alone this entire time.

05:04pm | Jun 14, '08 | Public

maybe love does exist sent 14/06/2008 9:33 AM:
hey ummm ok so i was arrested i am not aloud contact with you until this is all over hopefully it will be soon ok love you hunn
maybe love does exist sent 14/06/2008 2:41 PM:
i love you baby
maybe love does exist sent 14/06/2008 3:08 PM:
hey stay up tonight im coming to see you


He has to use his head.
He isn't allowed to see me.
I am going to break his heart.
Which is going to break my own,
But I dont want him in anymore trouble.
Is that the right thing to do?
Would it be selfish not to?
I don;t know anymore.


10:49pm | Jun 16, '08 | Public

i got to see my baby.(C.H)
im married with fish and newts
wife= mariah
fish= emily and woody
newts= ruby red and macky


06:20pm | Jun 17, '08 | Public

I miss him so much.
This song is going to make me cry.



When i'm with you
I'll make every second count
cause i miss you, whenever you're not around
when i kiss you
I'll still get butterflies
years from now,
I'll make every second count
when I'm with you

03:31am | Jun 19, '08 | Public

About ready to give up.
Guilt, is powerful.


03:12pm | Jun 20, '08 | Public

Wow, i'm not sure whats worse.
Not seeing him and missing him, wishing i could be in his arms.
Or being in his arms, knowing he has to leave soon.
I wanna go back to the days, when we could be together all the time.
When he was the last thing i saw before i went to bed, and the first thing i saw each morning.
I miss waking up in the middle of the night and watching him sleep.
And then accidently waking him up when Boy meets world came on.
Sitting and cuddling and watching boy meets world.
Falling back asleep.
Just chilling, no matter how my hair or make-up looked.
I love that, when i look my worst, he looks at me with loving eyes and says i look beautiful.
I love him with all my heart.
I CAN'T EVEN SEE HIM.

04. 30. 08

07:04pm | Jun 23, '08 | Public

Haha well today was totally epic.
Hung out with my bf. And his dad drove by.
We were like, oh no, but he said it was cool.
So were like liberated!
And then we went to J.C's, meet new people.
Went to the park. Met back up with Mariah.
Broke in through the window.
And now its all just chill.

03:14am | Jun 27, '08 | Public

Well, I walked by the bathroom mirror.
It was strange I actually thought, only for a second, That i was beautiful, and i could understand what Connor saw in me.
At the same time I thought i looked scared and small.
I dont know.
I guess I look at myself, but i dont actually see.

06:49pm | Aug 10, '08 | Public

I love you.
Always will.
So this rift hurts but whatever.
I want you to be happy.
If that means i am not in your life then i guess i can deal.

Just dont expect to see me smile anymore.

(Bet any money you dont show up tomorrow)
(Way to shatter an already broken heart)

07:13pm | Aug 11, '08 | Public

Wow, and still such a great kisser.
God i miss him.
So happy i saw him today.

08:27pm | Aug 26, '08 | Public

I wish you would call.
I'm sitting and waiting
and waiting.
But I swear you never EVER call when you say you will.

07:39pm | Sep 03, '08 | Friends

Even though we only friends. I love him.
And it hurts knowing I'm the only one trying to
hold our "friendship" together.
But if i say it hurts to much knowing he doesn't
even think i'm worth that, and i want him out of my life completely
He freaks out.
I am completely screwed.
No matter what I do.
So here walks the living dead girl.
Dead inside with no peace of mind.

10:39pm | Oct 04, '08 | Public

Omg!
Your so fucking immature.
You lied to me, time and time again.
And i put up with it.
Until now.
And now you think your so awesome because
you can 'yell' at me in CAPS?
Like get over yourself, i'm sick
of you lying to me and treating me like shit.

03:32pm | Nov 13, '08 | Public

Fucking bloody hell.
Life blows.


06:33pm | Nov 16, '08 | Public

Men are stupid

06:31pm | Mar 16, '09 | Public

He spoke to me...
<3

Wow.

Omg.
That was the first time in a long time my heart pounded like that.
It was such a tense conversation.
Why would I even start something with him?
But it was fun to irk him.
He hung up twice.
I know just what buttons to push.
And since he knows im right, he gets that much pissier.
But when we started talking he was very hostile, by the end, he was nicer-and hating that he was.
I hope this ends well.
I hope he does call back.
But i wont hold my breath.

Dane cook

Bad relationships and brain ninjas




Atheist sneeze
It gets funny around the 4 minute mark

That clears EVERYTHING up.
Love the sarcasm.
Like fuck.

Wow, so i guess i dont hate beer after all....
I cant wait to go drinking again.

Magical Lands in faraway galaxies

Two moons ago on planet Xanax, Princess Vix and Princess Ara went to their favorite Oasis.
There they had a great time.
Then shortly after the aznth hour they went outside.
They they met some riders. These two were rebels, and they Princesses have crossed their paths before. Serlt and Aeto.
Since they were seemingly harmless, Vix and Ara graced them with their presence.
They were off with spirits and Ara decided to join them. Vix decided against it.
The four of them ended up outside a rundown building. They stood there enjoying the drinks. Someone who lived in the building told them to come on up for a drink, so up they went.
Having made a new friend, new plans were formed. For the next weekend, fishing on the ice planet of Haytopia.
It was time for the friend to go, so down they went back to the exterior.
Ara and Serlt went away, leaving Vix with Aeto.
Vix was persuaded to try the toxic drink. And drink she did.
They joked and laughed, mostly at Ara and Serlt.
And Vix freaked when the universal police stopped down the road.
Princesses are not allowed to be involved in such activities.
But Aeto assured her it was ok.
Then the two men left.
Leaving Ara and Vix alone.
They stumbled home and plotted the next adventure.

I am so excited!

Tonight I am going to the Mustard seed again!
I love going and helping out.
Its so great.
And I hope to see Cindy.
She is the sweetest.
<3!

Really? Really? Like seriously?

WOW that was effective!
Not.
So at least I know he is not interested in talking to me.
At all.
Whatever.
I'm over it.
(not really, but whatever. I'm going to be annoyed and pissed for the next few days. Not to mention, sad, moody, depressed.)
I'll ask Carson if i can come with him to church this sunday.

Sour tears. Sad tears. Frustrated Tears. Heartbroken Tears.

I hate it when you say that I dont care.
Because I have never stopped caring, or loving you for that fact.
Maybe its a defense mechanism, but I do care, and I'm not going to stop anytime soon.
Why block out the memories?
They were amazing.
No matter what they will always be there.
Blocking me out is just childish.
But if you really dont want to speak to me ever again, just say it.
Because then I can switch and go to church with Carson.
Because looking at you is hard, its makes me regret a lot.
And without you talking to me, i feel so heartbroken knowing what used to be and how dramaitcally to has changed.

*sigh*
The one night a week a i actually get to see you
and you never even acknowledge my presence.
Its like I'm totally invisible.
Thank you for making me feel worthless, i greatly appreciate it.

Wellll....

Thats was interesting.
I need to go for a walk, i hope Jess can go after supper.
Or before.
Regardless.
Dude I fucking hate my phone.
Its a fucking piece of shit.
I cant wait to get a new phone, because i hate not knowing when or if its going to charge.
=(
BTW I hope your ok. I miss you and love you and your going to be ok.
Your just up in the N.E now, so I am going to have to come see you.
Because I love you and i want to see for my self your alright.
<3
I wish I could tell you straight up what I am thinking, but I can`t.
I dont know how you could be excited to move, but I`m happy for you.
I miss talking to you.

I feel very alone somedays, when I think about everything around me.
Its over whelming. I think I`m pushing to hard to soon, and I cant handle it.
I wish I could say i didnt see this coming, but i did.
*Sigh*

Angel in the Night- Basshunter

You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
But that is not enough
Will I ever be by your side

Your hair is dancing in the wind
Your eyes are burning off my skin
And I'm so happy when I see
That you are smiling back at me

You're living burn marks on the ground
Thank you God for what I've found
I don't know how, I don't know why
That you're my angel in the night

You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
Let me hold you now
Just like days before you start to cry

You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
But that is not enough
Will I ever be by your side

I try my best to satisfy
But all you do is where we make it right
I don't know what I'm gonna do
But I'm so crazy about you

Even if I don't know where to start
Even if my love is tearing me apart
I just know that you and me
We were always meant to be

You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
Let me hold you now
Just like days before you stopped to cry

You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
But that is not enough
Will I ever be by your side

You're my angel in the night

Move, Shake, Drop- Pitbull- REMIX

!!!!

Wow so that was the best weekend ever.
Which i say alot, but nothing could have been better than this weekend.
So friday I went swimming with Layne and Jess.
Which was kick ass.
The play the best music.
We got to see a few people we havent seen in a while.
Austin, Brenden, Johnny.
Austins not in jail WOOT!
We just had a great time.
I love spending time with Layne at the pool, I'm very open.
Its nice just to get rid of the shyness if only for a few hours.
Saturday was epic!
We went skating.
Started with seeing Derek.
He is like 20-something, and when i first met him i had this HUGE crush on him,
mostly because i couldnt help it, hes adorable. Tattoos, piercings and multicolored hair, whats not to love?
And i havent seen him since the fireworks in August.
So that put my in a great mood.
Plus me and Jess looked amazing. So we both just felt great.
And they played great music.
Donnie came with his friend Devon and we chilled for a bit.
And Devon wanted to go for a smoke at 11, so at 11 we took off our skates and stuff on our way out.
But then Donnie ididnt want to so they didint but while we were by the lockers
there were the two cute guys we thought were gay.
And one was loaded.
With a bottle of beer up his shirt.
And he asked if we were going out for a smoke, and were like yeah, and then the drunk one said to join them outside. and Jess said Only if i can have a sip.
So we hung iwth them for the last hour.
Shane and Alec(?)
Shane was the drunk one, and he was tripping all over himself.
It was funny.
But inside the foyer, this dad had his son, but left his shoes and coat in the car so he told him to stay put.
And this was just a tiny child.
And shane was like, lets go buddy and took his coat off and put it around this kid and carried him out to the car.
Now me and jess were like no dont, like you dont just pick up someones kid, especially when your drunk, but Alec(?) said that it was ok, that he is a good guy.
So it was cute.
It was just alot of fun.
I cant even verbalize it all.

Like really? *Truth Project.

Ok so i have been attending this Truth project.
And I kinda like it.
KINDA.
There are some fucked up things.
All i ever see is how closed minded Christians are.
They really have this like stone set of good, bad, right, wrong.
Its whack.
And even though this video thing is suppoed to show both the Christian and Non-Christian view points, they don't.
They show the Non-Christain side as they percieve it.
So if they think its so flawed, then it will be because thats all they want to see.
Whats worse is I think only Jessica and I can see that its unfair.
Everyone else sits there and takes it.
Not even questioning it.
Fuck if someone re wrote the Bible saying to go to Heaven you had to kill yourself on your 65th birthday, they would!
They just accept it.
It could be a cult.
Maybe it is?
Someone mentioned how wrong abortion is.
I was upset at that.
I think abortion is wrong, but its a choice someone else has to live with.
And what if someone was raped and beaten?
Then found out she was pregnant with that monsters child?
I wouldn't want it in me.
I would have to abort it.
But if your just carelessly having sex and get knocked up, then i think to abort a life becuase you fucked up, is wrong.
And then Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
If you believe that your good, then you will be.
If in your heart you know your a good person then your actions will show it.
(Maslow studied what he called exemplary people such as Albert Einstein, Jane Addams, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Frederick Douglass rather than mentally ill or neurotic people, writing that "the study of crippled, stunted, immature, and unhealthy specimens can yield only a cripple psychology and a cripple philosophy.") -http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs
And if you really look at it, it makes alot of sense.
So to bash it, is lame.
Ugh.
I wish they could really open their minds.
I wish i had the balls to say so.
Maybe i will next time.
But i doubt it

FAILTACULAR: a fail so epic its almost a win.

That is my day.
Woke up late.
But still made it to school in time for one great big hug from Layne.
And since he didnt expect to see me, I made him smile.
I Worked hard in gym class,
then I went to set the ball for Rosey to spike it, and fucked my thumb up.
Which I dont know why, but it made me feel nauseous.
So my math teacher didnt make me do anything, other than write the quiz quick.
And now I feel special because I actually have plans for the rest of the week.
Tomorrow is my moms birthday, so were going to hang out and watch E.R (Only five more episodes *tear*) and then CSI guest starring Taylor Swift, its supossed to be reeeaaalllllyyy good.
Friday=Teen Night! With Layne and Steph and hopfully Kerry. Plus anyone else who decides to go.
Saturday Afternoon: Either shopping with Jessica K, or watching Saw 5 with my dad.
Satuday night= Lloyds with Jess.
Sunday= Church
Sunday evening= Spending time with Layne.
Monday= Going to training with Layne. (Which I am seriously stoked for! May have to bring either Jess or Steph, apperantly someone on his team was going to go to grad with him, and now he has asked me, so yeah. Shes apparently not to happy. So I need some back up so i dont feel like a total dolt.)

I was having a convo with my self.
While making waffles.
And i said, in a serious tone, "the waffles are evil"
then voice quivering, i gasped, and said lies!

Holy Smurf!

Dude like really?
Really?
*shakes head*
FAIL.

Metamorphosis

She is small and hurt
Crying inside, completely alone.
She is trying to survive,
But she doesn’t know

She wanders in the abyss,
Trying to find the girl she used to be.
But that girl is gone,
If only they could see.

Everyday, a downward spiral
No looking up from here.
Falling farther, faster,
Consumed by nothing but fear.

Fear of the promises
That she could never live up to
Fear of the transformation
She could feel coming soon

She started blindly weaving
That cocoon around her tight
She just wanted somewhere to hide
To escape the eternal night

She realized she was warm and safe
Deep inside this shell
She trembled and felt the tears
As they began to swell.

She let them flow freely
Letting go of all the sadness inside.
Everything that had hurt so much
Was beginning to subside.

All the doubts began to fade
The darkness became clear
She wanted to welcome love
And live without fear

She was feeling stronger
For she had been reborn
She emerged from her shell
Unscathed and un-torn

With new grace and new beauty
She floats through everyday
She lives and laughs and loves
And thrives in everyway.



*My mom and the ladies at her work loved it.
Hope you all do as well.

Umm ok.

Wow, i really hope that wasnt refering to me.
If he really thinks that i hate him that much, then maybe i should give him what he asks for.
I'm not avoiding youth, or church.
I love going to much to do that, even if i was mad at him.
Because i spent one firday chilling out with my boyfriend, suddenly I'm not going because of him?
Thats bull.
Whoever wrote that, no offense, doesnt know me that well.
Because anyone who knew me well would know that no one will prevent me from doing what I like.
Besides, i dont hate him.
But Layne turns 18 in april, so I plan to continue going to teen night with him.
But I do plan to go back to the mustard seed, the second week of march, and i want to bring him bowling march 20th.
And then after that who knows what will happen.

=D

I love how He is the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep,
and how he is the first thing on my mind when I wake up.
Even if we dont really talk all day, we still always say good night, and good morning.
I doubt he knows how much it makes my day.
I hope he feels the same.

Like seriously

There is nothing i hate more than arrogant assholes who tear other people down because of who they are, or what they wear or their sexuality.
It bugs me right to the core.
Case in point, this jerk is being an ass, threatening to beat up a friend of mine because he is homosexual.
Being homosexual is not a big deal.
And if you do ever hurt him, you will regret it.
I mean what if being homosexual was normal, and being heterosexual was not?
Then you would bug the people who were hetero.
Its like, if you liked blue, but someone else liked red, would you torment them?
Probably not.
Because you are scared and uncomfortable doesn't give you the right to decide whats right and whats wrong.
Nor does it give you the right to make him scared and uncomfortable.
Your a BULLY.
And I will find a way to bring you down.
No, I'm not going to bully or harass you, because that would make me just like you.
Instead I will find a way to get people to rise up and make you turn your tail and run.
Just wait.

Teen night= Epic awesomeness

It was great.
Its been awhile since i have laughed and smiled so much.
I had such a great night.
Except the fat little jerks who fucking kicked me on the thunder run.
Your so lucky Layne didnt let me flip shit on you.
***Eeek, My Laynie :heart:****
What a sweetheart.
And yes i understand how mushy i am being, and yes, it even wants to make me gag.
But still.
:bigger heart:
:smiley face:

*I am ridiculous.

Yeah, fuck that noise
Creeper.

Ok.

Its all ok.
I am going to make it.
Meanwhile on planet Xanax
Princess Vix is still srtuggling to feel accepted amoung the new tribe.
She feels awkward and weird.
But Stax and Aax are trying to make her feel welcome.

I swear if that boy is mad at me I will never forgive you.
Because yes, I told him everything.
Why? Because I was in a huff and he wanted to know what was wrong.
And yesterday I was sick, today he is.
Now I know that my illness was directly related to stress.
His, I have no clue.
And I miss him.
We haven’t really talked much.
We text long enough to say good morning and let each other know were sick and not going to be there.
And I am so afraid about what he is thinking.
Feeling.
And I feel like crying, but I can’t.
Because I’m in this stupid class.
And I don’t want to look like a dolt.
You might be thinking, well why did I tell him?
Because I am a fairly honest person. I do lie sometimes, I can admit that.
But if I don’t have to I don’t need to, and when something is bad enough to make me spend all fucking day puking my guts out, yeah I think it’s something I should be truthful about.
If not then that’s just one more thing eating away at me.
See, but now I’m worried because I haven’t seen him.
And he has to work like all day Saturday and Sunday afternoons he has training.
So yeah. And because he most likely wont be able to go out tonight since he stayed home today, I can’t see him tonight.
Now this, this is very disheartening.
Because I can’t gauge his reaction if I don’t see him.
And if he is acting indifferent, well I simply can’t tell.
And you are the root of all problems. This time.
Maybe I will end up hating you.
Who fucking knows. At this point I am not happy. Not at all.
Thank you so much.
I really want to drown you in tears and vomit.
Have a GREAT day.
Plus Devon killed Ant George.
Aaron and Kerry are still dating (I think) and neither of them wants to be.
Amanda and Jamie are still having issues.
And Steph took a really bad picture of me. Which will most likely end up on facebook.
*Sigh*

*Vomit*

Stress induced illness is not fun.
I have spent my morning throwing up.
Like really.
That was a load and a half.
Way to much for me to handle right now.
Especially after having an already emotionally draining day.
You knew I had a bad day. So why would you say anything.
Your thing of making me want to hate you, couldn't really work.
Despite the fact i hold grudges, your still too sweet to make me hate you.
Hope we can be friends,
Because forgetting about you isn't an option.
But I am going to be mad for a while.
But thank you, and I wish every happiness for you.
Hope life treats you well.

-Samantha

What The FUCK

Are you fucking kidding me?
Like really.
What would you say if i told you * **** ***, or that i was ******* ** **** **** ***.
Who says that?
Even worse who fucking takes it back?
I feel like slaping you with a large smelly fish.
I am so mad and so sad and confused.
Why the fuck couldnt you have said it at a different time.
This was not right.
And I don't think I'm going to sleep at all.
You have pulled some dick moves tonight.
The first, I excused.
But this is too far.
I can't do this.
Don't be shocked if i dont speak to you for a few days.

Oh the irony of being bullied on anti-bully week.

I am so sick of this shit.
Fuck you.
Jordan if you EVER spit on me agian,
or even mockingly do so, i dont care if i get suspened or expelled.
You will get your ass beat.
Like really, and thank you so much Mr. B for doing shit all.
Your lucky my mother doesnt tear a strip off you.
I hate the world at the moment and wish you all go die.
Except for :heart: Layne and Kerry, who enjoy making me laugh and smile.
You guys are great.

Hmmm.

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Waring* No warm and fuzzy feelings. Its the cold hard bitchy truth, you have issues? Get the fuck over it!

So I am yet again sitting here swiftly kicking myself for getting up so early. My parents are fucking ecstatic that not only am I going to school, I’m getting here early. Like FAIL. I was up late thinking about stuff. I’m not sure if I liked it all. It was very confusing. There were all these random muddled thoughts. Of him, him, her, him, her, him. (Really specific, I know[Yes their names are in here, because anyone who knows me knows who I am talking about]) And yeah I just really felt crushed. Like there was this huge weight on me. It wasn’t good. But then I realized the decisions I made were based on behaviors of others. Last year, 6 months ago, one month ago. Up until the present. And I don’t regret anything so far. Well except maybe not being with Kyla more. I really wish I were still in her life as much as I used to be. Fuck I still remember walking to her house in nothing but shorts and tank top. My diary clutched close to my chest. I remember your mom asking where the hell my shoes were. And after you gave me some pants and a hoodie, and some shoes we went and walked around Elliston park. I remember eating cupcakes in the alley, the icing was too sweet so we scraped it off. Colorful gobs of icing all over the alley. Nearly getting hit by a police car. Drunken videos on the computer. Bringing booze to track day. Walking from Lloyds to the petro and getting this guy who like appeared from nowhere to buy us smokes. I remember social classes filled with carrots, water, asking Mr. K if cowboys were hotter than hockey players, throwing half a burnt Tylenol across the room. And then you and I, getting him and him and sneaking them in. It was raining and cold. And we tried sneaking out to meet them but we got caught, but we still snuck them in. And it was a great night. Even if he had a high heel in the back of his head, you know he enjoyed it. I always had much fun camping with them. I remember kissing Jeff under the stars at the amphitheater. And Ryan riding down the back stairs and biffed it on a tree root at the bottom. I don’t see any of you three anymore. Not often anyways. I remember how tight we used to be. Laynie your great, I am so happy to have met you. And thank you Kerry for knowing him. And being at the pool. I enjoy every minute in your arms. I feel like I never want to leave. I have a feeling this is going to last. Which is pretty great. I’m happy about it. *Sigh* And then you two. Tim, I wish I were what you were looking for. I wish I were good enough for you. And I am so sorry for everything, you probably hate me. Oh of course you might not admit it to me, but I’m pretty sure you hate me. I had so much fun with you. All the time. You always knew how to make me smile even when I didn’t want to. I don’t know why you put up with me half the time. I’m sorry I wanted something you weren’t ready to give. It’s ok; its just another sign to prove this wasn’t the right time for us. Maybe someday, maybe not. But I think we played a necessary part of each other’s lives. I hope we stay besties <3. Jess, I don’t know why you are acting like this. I really just don’t get it. I don’t understand how something so little could change something that has been so permanent for so long. I keep hoping and praying you’ll get over it. But quite frankly, and no offense, grow up. You just met him for like an hour and you get pissed at me? Because he and I talked? Hung out. He goes to my school. It was just right between us. So whatever. I’m sorry but no. In my opinion you need to get over it. Besides you have so many guys you are “into” at the moment. It sickens me. Sometimes I tell you I “like” Someone just so I can pretend to have conflicting emotions. I really have a one-track mind. When I like someone, they are my every thought. Not, but I like him too, oh and don’t forget I like him as well. Sorry, but no.
Well yeah. I don’t know why I started ranting.
But if you’re still reading, thank you.
If not then whatever, go fuck yourself.
I’m no longer in a pleasant mood.
Wow that’s great.
Ugh.
I really don’t know if YC is a good idea anymore, not with Tim and Jess being all…indescribably different.
And Caitrin’s not going. So I have no idea whats going to happen with that. Like at all.
#*%^@#$^%^&*(&*(()*&^$%#$@#$$#@##@$%#$%#$%@#%$#% ^$%^ %$^ $%^%%$@$ #@$%%$&^%#%$$^%#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Arg.

Today was almost flawless, except for the douch bag who pulled the fire alarm.
I was in fucking gym class.
In shorts!
And had to go out in -16 weather.
I was so totally not happy.
And then a friend(?) saw me with Layne.
And changed her facebook status.
Shes not happy about it. And I believe the staus was about it.
So yeah.
But it was funny to hear her brag about a certain someone saying she should quit smoking so he can kiss her.
Funny funny funny.
Whatever I am so over it.
Had a great night, parents like him, my mom is shocked I have found someone respectful. And umm yeah that covers it.
I have to get early... again,
So I gotta bounce.
PCE!

Today shall be satisfying.

Today shall be satisfying. Matt gets to die. I love having people who care and want to get even. I could handle it myself, but I know when to hold and when to play. This isn’t my time to play. But many of my guy friends will. And Holy broken wrist batman! Killer cast. Lime green to match our wonderful lanyards. Hope you get well soon Kassee. <3.
And guess what, I was up at five again, At school at like 6:45. I fail epically. And what’s worse is I enjoy it. And dude I am totally going to sneek out early to go see jeff and ryan quick. He said for a smoke, what they don’t know is I have quit smoking, so I can go freeze my tail off out there with them while they smoke. And then I am dutifully bound to help Kassee with lunch and I get to introduce her to all the people I met yesterday. I have a feeling it wont be too awkward. But Then it could also be totally awkward. So who knows. Layne gets to come over and meet the ‘rents tonight I can’t wait. I know they will just love him. He treats me right, he is normal, and he doesn’t have a criminal record. Plus he doesn’t smoke or do drugs, he drinks but not like he drinks to get drunk and be stupid. He is a Christian and goes to church and youth whenever he doesn’t have work or training. He’s a gamer. Hahaha and taller than me so mom will be happy. I really like him. We have stuff in common. He is great. =)

BTW DRAMA MUCH? Like sorry but no, i do not do drama.

Best/worst weekend ever.

Its always great to have the 2 people you hold near and dear be mad at you.
I understand why, but still.
Kinda hurts.
Guess i deserve it.
Why would I ever deserve to be totally happy?
But that's another thing, My mom.
She is so proud of me.
That is good.
I hope i just don't screw up.
Which i don't plan to.
But still.
It like walking on eggshells.
But I am so happy, I have accomplished;
Going to school,
Having friends (for the most part)
Having a normal relationship with my parents,
And yeah just being a normal teen.
And i had so much fun swimming, i can not wait to go back.
Unfortunately i have to.
3 Weeks.
So sad.
And i know i shouldn't be worried, but i am, about fitting in with his friends.
They seem very open and honest, and goofy and fun.
Still.
And I cant wait for him to meet my parents, his parents are so cool.
And so chill, like really, i felt so comfortable there.
But for a bit it was, you can sit Sam; You can relax Sam.
They don't bite Sam.

Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump.

Dude, ok so my tattoo was awesome.
It totally didnt even really hurt.
I feel like such a wipm when i think about how scared i was.
It just felt like being scratched.
And now it just feels sunburnt.
I wish i would have let you came, I mean it took five whole minutes.
My mom is going tomorrow for hers.
I really liked Del.
He was awesome, funny and sweet.
And despite being covered in tattoo's and working in a tattoo parlor he is a contry hick who likes to watch NASCAR truck series.
My mom likes him better than the gruff guy who did her last tattoo.

Wow...just wow.

Last night was awesome.
I love meeting new people.
I love having reckless fun.
I love being able to relax.
I'm happy.

Spab : To stab somebody using a spoon. Usually for humiliation or comical purposes.

I am so tired right now, I feel like I’m going to drop.
And I really should be doing my math homework. Like seriously. Fuck. Did I mention I am having hot flashes? No, well I am.
Oh well, it’s Friday, finally. Only problem is I have no idea what I’m doing tonight. Rawr. If I don’t find out what I’m doing I’ll see if Jess wants to go to teen night. Because after tomorrow I cant go swimming for three weeks. Wicked. So I have three weeks to lose about 100 pounds. Then I can compare to the pretty skinny girls. I mean if guys think skeletons are hot, then great. Sure why not, lets assimilate everyone into being as fucked as Nicole Ritchie. I mean eating disorders are the way of the future. Woot Woot.
BTW Happy (non) Birthday Carson. We know its not, but they don’t. So congrats on turning ….. ummm uhh. Well whatever Happy Birthday. +Smile if your thinking about sex+
Everyone should be smiling, because sex is always on our minds, because the media uses it to make things more appealing. Nothing is hotter than seeing some blonde skank on a wet soapy car in a tiny little bikini, eating a cheeseburger. I mean like daymn. All I can think about is mcdonalds now.
Sex sEx sEx Sex seX Sex seX.
Yeah. Still thinking about those fries.
Sex seX sEx Sex Sex sEx Sex SeX
And those chicken nuggets.
SEX!
Anyway, I still have not done any math homework. FAIL. So yeah I’m going to sign off, and go do it.
Peace <3

I’m sorry.

It’s never good to watch a movie when every twitch feels like an earthquake. It gets annoying to feel like everyone is staring at you. I thought I was going to drop the cup. I don’t remember much of anything I said. I was totally out of it on these stupid pills. (Don’t worry, not like actual drugs or anything.) That’s what you get for not eating before I took them. I now feel very annoyed, because I made him think I was mad at him. All while totally pissing him off, I remember how many times I heard that. Which is why I thought he had hung up on purpose. But he said he didn’t, so I believe him. But last night he hung up, and all I thought was like are you fucking serious right now? Like I was like, ok I hated when Connor hung up on me and it was instant pain, hurt, and anger. But then I clamed down. Realized I was being stupid. Thought about calling him back, and fell asleep crying instead. And then I woke up (Very late, I totally over-slept) And listened to all the messages he left, and I wanted to say ‘I’m not mad at you, I could never stay mad at you, I’m so sorry I didn’t call you back, i'm sorry I turned off my phone’. But I didn’t say that. I text Good morning sunshine instead. And then I went to do my hair, and he called, so I went and called him back. And he was still like half asleep so I don’t remember what he had said, it was all very quiet. Hopefully, I remembered to apologize. If not, Hun I am so sorry, for everything. I feel terrible; I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Not the only stupid thing I did yesterday. I bought a green shirt. With ruffles. What was I thinking? Green ruffles, on me, yeah right. I’m going to test it tomorrow. If James likes it, then it will be fine. Because he is always truthful. Which can get annoying, but I wish everyone were as truthful as he is. But yeah, There was this other shirt I totally thought was hot, but that was a bit slutty. Lol not like that has ever stopped me before. But yeah, it’s a cute halter, and it will be cool all summer. And some random thoughts, I want to go for a walk, The house is a mess, I am kinda hungry- but I’m not eating, My leg is super itchy, I hate this song I don’t even know why its on my ipod, I wish my hair would hurry up and grow I’m so fucking sick of having it short, I hope Kassee remembers were meeting up for lunch, I still have a fricken hour left of this class, its taking forever, Um I hope we have kraft dinner for supper. And I think I have to pee.

Today.
Take a deep breath.
Compliment yourself.
Know that everything happens for a reason.
And take something that could be bad, and let it roll right off your shoulders.
ENJOY LIFE!

Waah!
I can't get my tattoo at Fine Line.
Now I have to search to find somewhere that can do it.
*Ahem* What science homework? you must be crazy.

*Edit*
Impact Body art.
2PM Saturday

Me...Hiding under a rock.

.
. (____)
. (________)
. (__________)
. (________)
~0-|-<

Well isnt that shitty.

*Warning: Bitch post. I had so much fun this past weekend, but there are still things gnawing at my heart. I can’t believe your doing drugs again. Like really, you have so much more to live for. You don’t need to be doing that, and I can’t even yell at you for being so stupid. And what really pisses me off, is you offered HER of all people, connections. She will not do drugs. And to think that she would is wow. You know her; you know she isn’t like that. But who knows. It’s like she’s not even herself anymore. She smokes now, and I feel responsible. I keep acting and pretending it doesn’t bother me but it does. Not just the smoking, but also the drinking. It scares me so much to know she enjoys drinking. And that she can’t wait to do it again. Drinking is not fun, I would know. (Falling off treadmill.) Because then on top of that is alcoholism. I’ve seen it destroy people. I will kick her ass before I ever let that happen. Part of me understands, but part of me doesn’t. Honestly, I know how her parents are, and I know how mine can be. It still isn’t an excuse for bad habits. I know that bad habits are not the way to deal with it. So why do I do them? Because it’s what is expected of me. People expect to see me smoking, or drinking. They expect me to say yes to everything my heart cries no too. Yes(no) I will sleep with you. Yes(no) I want to steal a car. Yes(no) I’ll go smoke a joint. Yes(no) I will help you steal. I can’t say no, and when I do, I feel guilty. I have been through a lot and have lost a lot of friends, so I try to do whatever I can to keep the ones I have. Even if it means not standing up for what I believe in. Whatever about me, back to her. She needs to smarten up before its too late. What’s worse is I can’t do anything, it has to be something she wants or she won’t change. And then there is him. I don’t know what it is between us, but there is just something great about you. Unfortunately you will never be mine. But while we are watching movies, cuddled up, listening to your heartbeat (which proves you do have a heart) it almost seems like we could be. Even when we argue and yell, it seems normal. I don’t know what you think or feel about me, but there are days I think you just say you care, its about as bad as the lines you feed me. The lines I take, like they don’t even taste bad. Like they mean more than what is on the surface. Regardless, I cant do anything to change any of the above because it is all out of my hands. And that bites. So now I get to go home and add another notch in my skin, to prove yet again how weak I am. Yay me.

Chocolate Sauce (Rated R)

I tie the blindfold around your head,
Your hands are tied to the posts of the bed,
Your shirt is off,
So is mine,
And your pants will come next,
Just give me some time.

You can see nothing,
But you can hear my deep breaths,
You relax with the sounds,
As my fingers run down your chest.

Small, light kisses along your lips,
Down your jaw line,
Your fingertips,
I gently suck on each lonely one,
Tonight is all about you having fun,
I brush my mouth across your lips,
My hands skimming gently over your hips,
You feel my warm breath in your ear,
Saying I love you so much, my dear,
I catch your ear lobe between my teeth,
A slight tickling throb,
And you start to speak.

I bring my middle finger up to your lips,
Pressing against them with just the tip,
“Sshhhh,” I whisper,
And I guide it inside,
Between your soft lips,
As I let out long, deep, sighs.

I draw it back out and kiss down your neck,
Your collarbone, your chest,
Wanting to taste our salted sweat,
But I have to wait,
And take my time,
Let the tension slowly climb.

You feel my movements,
And your dick, it aches,
It wants my warm tongue,
To taste its taste,
My pussy’s hot too,
And I want you to know,
So I take your hand down,
To feel the wetness below.

“See how much I want you?”
I softly say,
“I need your big cock inside me,
All the way.
Come on, lover, I know you want,
I want too,
But tonight I get to taunt.”

I begin to slide down your pants,
You raise your hips,
So I can glide them off,
With my fingertips,
I climb over you,
You feel my hot pussy against your strong abs,
I lean forward to kiss you,
You want to put your hands on my ass,
You can’t touch me though,
No matter how you try,
Your hands are tied,
You’re my prisoner tonight.

My kiss is sweet,
And you lick my lips,
Chocolate sauce you find,
And you suck it and sip.

Once you licked my lips clean,
My tongue joins yours,
You glide it inside my mouth,
And intensely explore.
I withdraw from you,
And put more chocolate on my lips,
Kissing you again,
All the way down to your dick.

I reach for some oil,
Warm it between my hands,
They creep towards your cock,
Giving the attention it demands,
You feel my soft touch,
You want more,
But the longer I tease you,
The more hardcore.

I want to drive you wild,
Make you need me,
So you’ll fuck me hard,
Make me scream,
Head to toe,
First soft and slow,
But fast and deep,
Letting our juices run and seep.

I bring you to my lips,
You feel my tongue,
Play with your crown,
Until you cum,
I swallow you all,
Creamy and warm,
Wanting all of you,
More, I perform.

I undo your blindfold,
But leave your hands,
As I lick off chocolate kiss marks,
And stroke your body with my hands.
I sit on the end,
Of our bed,
I want to fuck you,
But tease you instead.

I bring two fingers to my mouth,
My hands rub on my breasts and proceed to go south,
You watch me softly rub my clit,
Hear your moans,
And bite my lip,

I push a finger inside of me,
I imagine it’s your cock,
And you watch me play,
You’re hard as a rock.

Finally I can’t take it anymore,
I know your suffering,
So I bring your big dick to my door,
I rub against my clit,
With your head,
And deep inside of me,
Is where you, I led.

I grind on you slow,
Back and forth,
Up and down,
From south to north,
You want to touch me,
See my beautiful breasts,
Yearn to taste my nipples,
And feel my chest,

You watch your cock go inside,
And then back out,
You’re so hot and ready,
To fuck me until I shout,
You beg me to untie your hands,
So finally I do,
And pulling me close is the first thing you do,
You press my body against yours,
Feeling my skin,
Soft and warm.

“Get on your knees,”
Is your command,
I had my fun,
So I heed your demand,
I bend on over,
Showing you my ass,
You eat me out from behind,
And give it a smack,

“Come on baby, fuck me”
I tell you out loud
“Fuck me hard,
You’re more than allowed,”
You make me wait,
Its pay back time,
I need you inside,
So I beg one more time,
“Bang me like you mean it,
My tight little pussy’s all yours,
Get in there baby,
Inside my door.”

You grab my hips,
And thrust inside,
You hear my groan,
And begin to ride,
You have me screaming,
For more and more,
Hard and rough,
That’s what I'm for.

We both cum,
We kiss and cuddle,
Get into bed and softly snuggle,
Fall asleep in your arms,
While I hear you whisper loving charms,
And in the morning when we wake,
We’ll be at it again, the bed will shake.

I wish I knew

I wish I knew what to do from here.
I wish I could just understand.
I wish I could be half normal.
I wish I wasn't so afrid to just say yes sometimes.
I wish I wasn't so afriad that I won't ever live up to my potentital.
Which is weird because I can still hear one of my fourth grade teachers telling me I was one of her low potential students.
Along with my friend Megan, and look where she is now.
Dropped out coke head, like her mother.
And you should have seen her.
Shes absolutley stunning.
And she was so talented, a born leader, who even at age 9 had the abilitiy to draw better than most people three times her age.
All of it thrown away.
I am so confused about life, and love.
I'm sure someday down the road, it will make sense.
But for right now, I think I need to climb under a rock.

Blanket of stars (Rated R)

We go for a drive,
Late at night,
A blanket of stars,
A beautiful sight.

Your hand rests,
Upon my thigh,
Move up my skirt,
No need to be shy.

I close my eyes,
As I feel your touch,
And instantly,
Comes a surging rush.

You feel me wet,
Right away,
And smile,
As there aren’t words to say.

I scoot closer,
As you watch the road,
I kiss your neck,
Sweet kisses bestowed.

Run my fingers,
Through your hair,
And take you in,
With lustful stare.

My hand travels down,
From your strong chest,
Down to your pants,
Which I start to undress.

I reveal your shaft,
So hard and long,
And I stroke you lightly,
Gentle, not strong.

I lower down,
And skim soft lips,
Lightly over,
Just your tip.

I kiss and I lick,
Down the back,
Use my hands,
To massage your sack.

I take you in,
I take you out,
I tease you so
Your lust’s devout

You breathe so deeply,
As you drive,
But really, my love,
You’re on the ride

I move back up,
And spread soft licks,
Nibbles and kisses,
From your neck to your dick.

I feel your hand,
On my head,
Pushing gently,
I give in, instead.

Moving my hands,
In twisting motion,
Pleasing you with
Avid devotion.

I smooth my tongue,
Wet and slow,
Over your tip,
Until you blow.

I taste your cream,
As it melts on my tongue,
Devouring your candy,
As if I were young.

Bringing me closer,
You gently hug me,
Caress my skin,
And whisper you love me.

Your hand now,
Back on my thigh,
Moving slowly,
Making me high.

You lightly tease,
And fondle my clit,
I part my legs,
As beside you, I sit

I nuzzle your neck,
And whisper in your ear,
“Make love to me, honey”
You pull off to adhere.

The middle of nowhere,
In the calmness of night,
The blanket of stars,
Shining so bright.

We bring the blanket,
We spread it down,
And you pull me close,
Without a sound.

As I stand,
You strip me slowly,
Worshipping my body,
As if it were holy.

My shirt is off,
My bra undone,
And you slide off my skirt,
To finish what was begun.

Holding my hips,
As you drop to your knees,
Licking my thigh,
To lovingly tease.

You guide me down,
To the floor,
Part my legs,
And give me more.

Your tongue massages,
My every feeling,
Revealing emotions,
I was concealing.

Your finger now,
Sliding inside,
My hips move with you,
And gently I ride.

I moan so freely,
No one can hear,
Alone in the world,
With the one I hold dear.

You pull back,
And you take off your shirt,
The moonlight caressing you,
And your movement, inert

The pants come next,
You strip them down,
You begin to please me,
With just your crown.

I feel how hard,
How hot, how wet,
Your shaft is,
Against me, I’ll never forget

I pull you closer,
To make my yearning subside,
I want you so bad,
So I guide you inside.

I feel complete,
As you fill my void,
My fears and doubts,
Are now destroyed.

I gently move with you,
United as one,
The moon shines upon us,
Until the light is the sun.

Your body pressed against mine,
I feel you so strong,
And I feel so safe,
In your arms all night long.

Pulling you closer,
So deep inside,
I cannot resist you,
As in, you glide.

Making sweet love,
Feeling your skin,
Holding you tight,
Deep within.

Moving faster,
Cannot contain,
Our juices are pouring,
Out me, they drain.

“I love you,” you whisper,
Slow in my ear,
Almost so quietly,
That I cannot hear.

I kiss you deeply,
As my climax comes,
You feel my contractions,
They beat like drums.

You push into me faster,
Seeing me through,
And you know you’re close,
So you do not subdue.

“I love you, baby
Cum inside,”
I softly tell you,
As my legs open wide.

You thrust so deeply,
Devour my being,
You let me envelope you,
Which is so very freeing.

You release inside,
I feel you cum,
We have been loving so long,
That I feel numb.

I will never forget,
That night that was ours,
Alone, together,
Beneath a blanket of stars.

Smiley Face

On the plus side last night was great.
I already asked If i could go back next month.
I enjoyed helping so much.
I am so proud of Cindy to be moving out of there to her own place.
Like really. And even better, shes still clean!
=DDD
Me and Jess had a great talk last night.
But then we usually do, whenever we talk.
I have homework I'm going to go work on.
I almost feel normal, doing normal activities.
And sometimes it seems overwhelming, but if i can't handle something, then I just don't do it.
Like I was going to call T and ask if he wanted to chill today.
But I just didnt think today would be a good day.
I mean I've always spent valentines day alone, regardless of whether i had a bf or not.
Its just a depressing day, I cant stand it.
So as much as i want to see him, i'm better off here today.
And as for the other part of last night.
I.
Am.
Stupid.
But cuddling was great.
Even though I have so many questions running through my mind.
You.
Are.
So.
Confusing.
Anyway, Time for science!
Woot Woot.
(yeah, probably go watch tv.)

*Shakes head*

Happy 'Mistreat-love-so-you-can-waste-money-and-possibly-get-laid-or-rejected' Day!

Have a GREAT day! (<-- Sarcastic remark warning)

*Cringe*

I feel stupid, embarrassed, childish, moronic, senseless, humiliated and mortified.
I hope you don't hate me.
I wish you had listened when I said not to come.
I am probably going to go hide under a rock.

That girl can light up the room

life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances
you just have to live life to the fullest. laugh as much as you can, spend all your money, tell someone what they mean to you,
tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someones hand, comfort a friend, pig out, fall asleep watching the
sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, smile till your face hurts, dont be afraid to take chances or fall in love...& most of all live in
the moment cause when you look back someday knowing you have no regrets it's gonna be what makes you smile

Good day.
Almost great, but this guy, like will not take the hint i dont like him.
At all.
My dad does not approve, but my mother is encouraging my to give him a chance.
Like really, my excuse is he is twenty.
My dad said eightteen or nineteen is ok.
And I knew he would feel like that.
It still has "teen" in it.
But yeah, I'm absolutely not gonig out with this guy on valentines day.
I have to babysit, thankfully.
So yeah. =)
But I had fun at the dance.
It was so funny, this guy I remember as the little blonde boy who would kiss my mom's
leg and cling to her.
And he was grinding all over people. it was great

No, Jessica I am not high. I'm happy.

Elvis <3 <3 <3

Once again your music has made me smile.

You don’t have to say you love me
Just be close at hand
You don’t have to stay forever
I will understand
Believe me, believe me
I can’t help I love you
But believe me, Ill never tie you down

-You don't have to say you love me By Elvis Presley.

Yes!

I am so happy; today is such a great day. With great friends, and awesome music. I’m totally happy, total peace of mind. Like despite packing to move-which is so depressing, and dealing with some people and totally PMSing. I am ok. I have never felt so happy, so at peace, so loved and accepted. It’s so weird to be smiling. Minus all the crying I did last night. Its been awhile (haha about four weeks), since I have fallen asleep crying. Pms makes me so weepy, its disgusting. Like really, who enjoys crying all the time? But anyway, I think this afternoon/evening i'm going out for a walk. Just because, despite I being cold I think is beautiful out. But I cannot wait for the rebirth of spring. Everything is just so new and wow. But yeah, me armed with my camera and I don’t know where I want to go yet, but my feet will take me somewhere.

Rawr

I am:
Sick
Tired
Wearing my sexy sweats (hahah, yeah *eye roll)
Moving on with my life.
SMILE =)

Delete

Ha. So knew that would happen.
Go me, for being stupid.

Why can I not say it? I fail.

She Never Cried In Front Of Me- Toby Keith

7:35, she’s someone else’s wife
Now I can get on with my life
And that thrills me
She married him today
Her daddy gave the bride away
I heard a tear rolled down her face
And that kills me
Cause now I... can see why.....she’s finally cryin......


CHORUS
How was I supposed to know
she was slowly letting go
if I was putting her thru hell
Hell, I couldn’t tell
She could of given me a sign
And opened up my eyes
How was I supposed to see
She never cried in front of me……


Yeah maybe I might of changed
It’s hard for me to say
But the story’s still the same
And it’s a sad one
And I’ll always believe
If she ever did cry for me
They were tears that you can’t see
You know the bad ones

And Now I......can see why.......she’s finally cryin…

(Chorus)

Without a doubt I know now how it ought to be
Cause she’s gone and it’s wrong and it bothers me
Tomorrow I’ll still be, asking myself…….

(Chorus)

How was I supposed to see
She never cried in front of me.

Hell I couldn’t tell

Today turned out well.
All i needed was optimism.
But still...
*sigh*