To: Crimson*tears
From: *************
Date: Mon Mar 30, 2009 11:12 pm
Subject: No Subject
"Life
Is about making yourself believe,
without thinking about how you're really being deceived. "
I dont know if i quite follow xD.
I guess from my perspective, Life is about pushing away thoes who have deceived. In attempt to find out what to really believe. If we just believe in one thing, and dont question what is around us. We will be lead to believe everything will be okay and we will end up in some happy place when were dead. I'm not denying that there is any place after life. But that, we should be embracing this life on this earth and preserve its beauty and ability to sustain us as live beings. For whatever after life we are bound to, they would all appear to be eternal. We only get to spend so long on our planet. If you just believe in what other people say and what has already been believed. Its just being passively ignorant of discovering what should truely guide you. When someone is born into catholicism, They are passed knowledge. Words and textual "fact", and told this is something you have to believe. Yes you can believe what you read and hold it your whole life, following its word and message to heart. Or you can go out and discover your own beliefs and values that you learn through life, if you have the right mind you dont really need a religion. Preaching religion is like taking the idea of going out and having a profound religious experience and replacing it with a book and be like. THERES GOD IN THIS BOOK!!! Believe it!
Sorry for that little rant haha. I dunno, I could have just misinterprited what you said. But thats sorta my. response. I dont mean any offense. Not at all, You're amazing I wouldnt try to offend you
-All of that is kinda interesting.
But so not where i was headed with that quote. lol
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
So just like a totally random thought...
I actually kinda miss the out of control party girl i used to be.
And its something i want back.
But this time with me in control.
I don't know quite how i am going to do that, but i will find a way.
I miss going out and being with lots of friends, having just a kick ass time.
Not caring much about rules or curfew.
Just letting go of all my insecurities.
Because I am back to my worry wart habit.
Where I worry about things that's are useless.
Someone asked me if I ever let anyone in.
Truth is I don't. Not anymore...
I have been burned so many times.
And Now I am an ice queen.
But last summer, I loved everyone and let them love and care about me.
I had no boundaries.
No walls.
But then I got hurt, by the one who i was closest to and i shut my self off from the world, but pretended that i hadn't.
And now, after a week from hell, i feel how alone i am.
The sick part of me loves it.
The sad part of me cant stand it.
And both parts agree that its too scary to do anything about it.
I can think of only a handful of people i have let in, and that's only because I let them in long ago....
And are such a permanent part of my life, i would have to excise them, just like a limb.
So i want to try to start putting my self out there, and stop walking on eggshells.
Im sick of pretending like everything is ok when its not and im going to start doing something about it.
I am going to LIVE my life. And expirence it.
And just soak it all up while i can.
I am going to stop saying no, and making excuses to get out of plans.
....Yeah
And its something i want back.
But this time with me in control.
I don't know quite how i am going to do that, but i will find a way.
I miss going out and being with lots of friends, having just a kick ass time.
Not caring much about rules or curfew.
Just letting go of all my insecurities.
Because I am back to my worry wart habit.
Where I worry about things that's are useless.
Someone asked me if I ever let anyone in.
Truth is I don't. Not anymore...
I have been burned so many times.
And Now I am an ice queen.
But last summer, I loved everyone and let them love and care about me.
I had no boundaries.
No walls.
But then I got hurt, by the one who i was closest to and i shut my self off from the world, but pretended that i hadn't.
And now, after a week from hell, i feel how alone i am.
The sick part of me loves it.
The sad part of me cant stand it.
And both parts agree that its too scary to do anything about it.
I can think of only a handful of people i have let in, and that's only because I let them in long ago....
And are such a permanent part of my life, i would have to excise them, just like a limb.
So i want to try to start putting my self out there, and stop walking on eggshells.
Im sick of pretending like everything is ok when its not and im going to start doing something about it.
I am going to LIVE my life. And expirence it.
And just soak it all up while i can.
I am going to stop saying no, and making excuses to get out of plans.
....Yeah
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Fuck fuck fuck fuck!
This day just keeps getting worse.
no this week is.
Its been all fucking week.
First shit with someone from my past.
And that is fucking with my head massively.
Everyday is downhill with that.
And then today Layne breaks up with me.
Which sucks becuase i cant even be mad about it.
After nationals hes going to try out for cirque du sole.
And I cant be mad because he is following his dreams.
But it doesnt stop it from hurting.
And now my fucking uncle is coming over this weekend and i have to be here.
I dont want to fucking see him.
I dont want to meet his bitch of a new wife.
I dont fucking care.
And then my parents tell me that we are going to get passpports becuase my uncle is losing his job so he is moving down to new mexico with her.
So now were stuck going down over the summer as well.
I dont want any fucking part of it.
None of it.
Fuck.
I dont even want to wake up tomorrow.
Becuase something else bad will happen. And i cant fucking take it anymore.
Its all so fcuked.
And i am so sick of crying all the time.
no this week is.
Its been all fucking week.
First shit with someone from my past.
And that is fucking with my head massively.
Everyday is downhill with that.
And then today Layne breaks up with me.
Which sucks becuase i cant even be mad about it.
After nationals hes going to try out for cirque du sole.
And I cant be mad because he is following his dreams.
But it doesnt stop it from hurting.
And now my fucking uncle is coming over this weekend and i have to be here.
I dont want to fucking see him.
I dont want to meet his bitch of a new wife.
I dont fucking care.
And then my parents tell me that we are going to get passpports becuase my uncle is losing his job so he is moving down to new mexico with her.
So now were stuck going down over the summer as well.
I dont want any fucking part of it.
None of it.
Fuck.
I dont even want to wake up tomorrow.
Becuase something else bad will happen. And i cant fucking take it anymore.
Its all so fcuked.
And i am so sick of crying all the time.
Choke On This- Senses Fail
Half smoked cigarettes and you're the trash
That infests my sheets
Can't make a wife out of a whore,
Don't want your skin on me
And you're,
You're addicted to the drug of lust
A detox in the cold sweat of shame
And I love your pain
I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself
I'll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel
I'll lose you somewhere on a dusty shelf
So this love's been worn down, like songs on a tape
The sex has lost all of its fun, like gum loses taste
And you're
You're addicted to the drug of lust
A detox in the cold sweat of shame
And I love your pain
I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself
I'll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel
I'll lose you somewhere on the shelf
I'm here, lying in your bed, babe
Remember what you said to me
"You can be my James Dean; I'll be your sweet queen"
I said that you were my first, but you weren't even close, now
Like a frame in a movie, you're just one of many
Can you grant me one last wish?
Play russian roulette as we kiss
I'll be your cheap novelty
Blow your brains out on me
I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself
I'll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel
I'll lose you somewhere on the shelf
That infests my sheets
Can't make a wife out of a whore,
Don't want your skin on me
And you're,
You're addicted to the drug of lust
A detox in the cold sweat of shame
And I love your pain
I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself
I'll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel
I'll lose you somewhere on a dusty shelf
So this love's been worn down, like songs on a tape
The sex has lost all of its fun, like gum loses taste
And you're
You're addicted to the drug of lust
A detox in the cold sweat of shame
And I love your pain
I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself
I'll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel
I'll lose you somewhere on the shelf
I'm here, lying in your bed, babe
Remember what you said to me
"You can be my James Dean; I'll be your sweet queen"
I said that you were my first, but you weren't even close, now
Like a frame in a movie, you're just one of many
Can you grant me one last wish?
Play russian roulette as we kiss
I'll be your cheap novelty
Blow your brains out on me
I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself
I'll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel
I'll lose you somewhere on the shelf
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Dear Mr. Masochistic asshole
If you could kindly stop playing games with my head, i would appreciate it.
And do you think,
If its not to much to ask,
Could i have my heart back?
You know the one you ripped out and let your dogs use as a toy.
I am aware its probably not in the best shape,
poor thing never was from the moment we met.
And I know you claim that I hurt you,
but that isnt the case.
You hurt me, long before I left.
And you continue to hurt me now, long after I've gone.
But honestly I am aware that this is all of my own stupidity.
Stupid because I fell in love with you. -First(mistake) Love.
Stupid becuase I put up with EVERY single lie.
Stupid because I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
Regardless, if you could just stop, all of it.
Please do.
And if you happen to find any shredded pieces of me heart laying around,
mail it back to me.
Thanks so much.
And do you think,
If its not to much to ask,
Could i have my heart back?
You know the one you ripped out and let your dogs use as a toy.
I am aware its probably not in the best shape,
poor thing never was from the moment we met.
And I know you claim that I hurt you,
but that isnt the case.
You hurt me, long before I left.
And you continue to hurt me now, long after I've gone.
But honestly I am aware that this is all of my own stupidity.
Stupid because I fell in love with you. -First(mistake) Love.
Stupid becuase I put up with EVERY single lie.
Stupid because I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
Regardless, if you could just stop, all of it.
Please do.
And if you happen to find any shredded pieces of me heart laying around,
mail it back to me.
Thanks so much.
I am a not so patient person
I still couldnt sleep last night.
And the second i woke up, (about five minutes ago)
I ran down here to see if he replyed.
Which he did. About 5 minutes after i logged off.
Fucking slutface.
And now I replyed to him.
And I am waiting for him to reply back to me.
hasdgjhdfuigh.lvfhury734w785796895rfgtjiur9gf12e765trg0-tdfhidhkdvjknvjnvxcjkdfbjkdfkfdhfasdhkase789drg789bf789bvc8sdf89we!#@#$%?&*HUHJCGFDDET%R&?THKBJUNHUH&*T?&?$RDFG*(JU)_MJNKBHNFESXW$%*()OI*&?%CGFU&?KW$UXW@%WC$%E$E$%DDFR
FUCK!
And the second i woke up, (about five minutes ago)
I ran down here to see if he replyed.
Which he did. About 5 minutes after i logged off.
Fucking slutface.
And now I replyed to him.
And I am waiting for him to reply back to me.
hasdgjhdfuigh.lvfhury734w785796895rfgtjiur9gf12e765trg0-tdfhidhkdvjknvjnvxcjkdfbjkdfkfdhfasdhkase789drg789bf789bvc8sdf89we!#@#$%?&*HUHJCGFDDET%R&?THKBJUNHUH&*T?&?$RDFG*(JU)_MJNKBHNFESXW$%*()OI*&?%CGFU&?KW$UXW@%WC$%E$E$%DDFR
FUCK!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
i dont get it.
i dont get you.
i dont get any of this.
i dont get why this is happening.
i dont get why i care still.
i dont get why any of this matters.
i dont get why im being so difficult.
i dont any of it.
i wish i knew why you acted that way.
i wish i knew why i acted that way.
i wish i knew why you made my heart, head and tummy feel funny.
i wish i knew why any of this is going to cause me to stay in therapy for years to come.
i dont get you.
i dont get any of this.
i dont get why this is happening.
i dont get why i care still.
i dont get why any of this matters.
i dont get why im being so difficult.
i dont any of it.
i wish i knew why you acted that way.
i wish i knew why i acted that way.
i wish i knew why you made my heart, head and tummy feel funny.
i wish i knew why any of this is going to cause me to stay in therapy for years to come.
*Meltdown*
I feel like exploding.
Everything is just breaking down.
First off, I cant believe its over.
Were meeting up to saw goodbye.
That is hard for me to comprehend.
Seriously. It just is.
And I feel like i'm going to be sick.
Then there are so many people having so many problems and i cant help them all.
Not to mention im bitchy from this lifestlye change and i really want a big mac.
I have no clean clothes and im suppoed to go out in an hour and a half.
!!!!!!!
Fucking dirty cuntface son of a bitch!!
Everything is just breaking down.
First off, I cant believe its over.
Were meeting up to saw goodbye.
That is hard for me to comprehend.
Seriously. It just is.
And I feel like i'm going to be sick.
Then there are so many people having so many problems and i cant help them all.
Not to mention im bitchy from this lifestlye change and i really want a big mac.
I have no clean clothes and im suppoed to go out in an hour and a half.
!!!!!!!
Fucking dirty cuntface son of a bitch!!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Woot spring break.
And the one person i want to spend time with is in school.
I am feeling seriously anti social.
Which is why she is the execption.
She is not my friend, she is my sister.
We understand everything on a totally didfferent level.
And right now i want my sister.
Wahh!
*sad face*
I am feeling seriously anti social.
Which is why she is the execption.
She is not my friend, she is my sister.
We understand everything on a totally didfferent level.
And right now i want my sister.
Wahh!
*sad face*
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
*Snore*
I am so tired its not even funny...
I want to fall asleep now but i cant because i have to do house work.
So i can go out to lunch and go bowling.
I really need a job.
*sigh*
Oh well, off to lameness.
I want to fall asleep now but i cant because i have to do house work.
So i can go out to lunch and go bowling.
I really need a job.
*sigh*
Oh well, off to lameness.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
WTF
One conversation and my mind is totally centered on him.
FAIL.
Damn i need a fucking smoke, maybe something stronger...?
Mmm beer....
FAIL.
Damn i need a fucking smoke, maybe something stronger...?
Mmm beer....
Blogs from last year....Oldest to newest.
02:41pm | Jun 14, '08 | Public
Why is it whenever I need a friend, There isn't one.
I really need a hug, There is noone to give one.
When I need to talk, there is noone to listen.
I have never felt pain any worse than when I looked up, and realized
That I have been alone this entire time.
05:04pm | Jun 14, '08 | Public
maybe love does exist sent 14/06/2008 9:33 AM:
hey ummm ok so i was arrested i am not aloud contact with you until this is all over hopefully it will be soon ok love you hunn
maybe love does exist sent 14/06/2008 2:41 PM:
i love you baby
maybe love does exist sent 14/06/2008 3:08 PM:
hey stay up tonight im coming to see you
He has to use his head.
He isn't allowed to see me.
I am going to break his heart.
Which is going to break my own,
But I dont want him in anymore trouble.
Is that the right thing to do?
Would it be selfish not to?
I don;t know anymore.
10:49pm | Jun 16, '08 | Public
i got to see my baby.(C.H)
im married with fish and newts
wife= mariah
fish= emily and woody
newts= ruby red and macky
06:20pm | Jun 17, '08 | Public
I miss him so much.
This song is going to make me cry.
When i'm with you
I'll make every second count
cause i miss you, whenever you're not around
when i kiss you
I'll still get butterflies
years from now,
I'll make every second count
when I'm with you
03:31am | Jun 19, '08 | Public
About ready to give up.
Guilt, is powerful.
03:12pm | Jun 20, '08 | Public
Wow, i'm not sure whats worse.
Not seeing him and missing him, wishing i could be in his arms.
Or being in his arms, knowing he has to leave soon.
I wanna go back to the days, when we could be together all the time.
When he was the last thing i saw before i went to bed, and the first thing i saw each morning.
I miss waking up in the middle of the night and watching him sleep.
And then accidently waking him up when Boy meets world came on.
Sitting and cuddling and watching boy meets world.
Falling back asleep.
Just chilling, no matter how my hair or make-up looked.
I love that, when i look my worst, he looks at me with loving eyes and says i look beautiful.
I love him with all my heart.
I CAN'T EVEN SEE HIM.
04. 30. 08
07:04pm | Jun 23, '08 | Public
Haha well today was totally epic.
Hung out with my bf. And his dad drove by.
We were like, oh no, but he said it was cool.
So were like liberated!
And then we went to J.C's, meet new people.
Went to the park. Met back up with Mariah.
Broke in through the window.
And now its all just chill.
03:14am | Jun 27, '08 | Public
Well, I walked by the bathroom mirror.
It was strange I actually thought, only for a second, That i was beautiful, and i could understand what Connor saw in me.
At the same time I thought i looked scared and small.
I dont know.
I guess I look at myself, but i dont actually see.
06:49pm | Aug 10, '08 | Public
I love you.
Always will.
So this rift hurts but whatever.
I want you to be happy.
If that means i am not in your life then i guess i can deal.
Just dont expect to see me smile anymore.
(Bet any money you dont show up tomorrow)
(Way to shatter an already broken heart)
07:13pm | Aug 11, '08 | Public
Wow, and still such a great kisser.
God i miss him.
So happy i saw him today.
08:27pm | Aug 26, '08 | Public
I wish you would call.
I'm sitting and waiting
and waiting.
But I swear you never EVER call when you say you will.
07:39pm | Sep 03, '08 | Friends
Even though we only friends. I love him.
And it hurts knowing I'm the only one trying to
hold our "friendship" together.
But if i say it hurts to much knowing he doesn't
even think i'm worth that, and i want him out of my life completely
He freaks out.
I am completely screwed.
No matter what I do.
So here walks the living dead girl.
Dead inside with no peace of mind.
10:39pm | Oct 04, '08 | Public
Omg!
Your so fucking immature.
You lied to me, time and time again.
And i put up with it.
Until now.
And now you think your so awesome because
you can 'yell' at me in CAPS?
Like get over yourself, i'm sick
of you lying to me and treating me like shit.
03:32pm | Nov 13, '08 | Public
Fucking bloody hell.
Life blows.
06:33pm | Nov 16, '08 | Public
Men are stupid
06:31pm | Mar 16, '09 | Public
He spoke to me...
<3
Why is it whenever I need a friend, There isn't one.
I really need a hug, There is noone to give one.
When I need to talk, there is noone to listen.
I have never felt pain any worse than when I looked up, and realized
That I have been alone this entire time.
05:04pm | Jun 14, '08 | Public
maybe love does exist sent 14/06/2008 9:33 AM:
hey ummm ok so i was arrested i am not aloud contact with you until this is all over hopefully it will be soon ok love you hunn
maybe love does exist sent 14/06/2008 2:41 PM:
i love you baby
maybe love does exist sent 14/06/2008 3:08 PM:
hey stay up tonight im coming to see you
He has to use his head.
He isn't allowed to see me.
I am going to break his heart.
Which is going to break my own,
But I dont want him in anymore trouble.
Is that the right thing to do?
Would it be selfish not to?
I don;t know anymore.
10:49pm | Jun 16, '08 | Public
i got to see my baby.(C.H)
im married with fish and newts
wife= mariah
fish= emily and woody
newts= ruby red and macky
06:20pm | Jun 17, '08 | Public
I miss him so much.
This song is going to make me cry.
When i'm with you
I'll make every second count
cause i miss you, whenever you're not around
when i kiss you
I'll still get butterflies
years from now,
I'll make every second count
when I'm with you
03:31am | Jun 19, '08 | Public
About ready to give up.
Guilt, is powerful.
03:12pm | Jun 20, '08 | Public
Wow, i'm not sure whats worse.
Not seeing him and missing him, wishing i could be in his arms.
Or being in his arms, knowing he has to leave soon.
I wanna go back to the days, when we could be together all the time.
When he was the last thing i saw before i went to bed, and the first thing i saw each morning.
I miss waking up in the middle of the night and watching him sleep.
And then accidently waking him up when Boy meets world came on.
Sitting and cuddling and watching boy meets world.
Falling back asleep.
Just chilling, no matter how my hair or make-up looked.
I love that, when i look my worst, he looks at me with loving eyes and says i look beautiful.
I love him with all my heart.
I CAN'T EVEN SEE HIM.
04. 30. 08
07:04pm | Jun 23, '08 | Public
Haha well today was totally epic.
Hung out with my bf. And his dad drove by.
We were like, oh no, but he said it was cool.
So were like liberated!
And then we went to J.C's, meet new people.
Went to the park. Met back up with Mariah.
Broke in through the window.
And now its all just chill.
03:14am | Jun 27, '08 | Public
Well, I walked by the bathroom mirror.
It was strange I actually thought, only for a second, That i was beautiful, and i could understand what Connor saw in me.
At the same time I thought i looked scared and small.
I dont know.
I guess I look at myself, but i dont actually see.
06:49pm | Aug 10, '08 | Public
I love you.
Always will.
So this rift hurts but whatever.
I want you to be happy.
If that means i am not in your life then i guess i can deal.
Just dont expect to see me smile anymore.
(Bet any money you dont show up tomorrow)
(Way to shatter an already broken heart)
07:13pm | Aug 11, '08 | Public
Wow, and still such a great kisser.
God i miss him.
So happy i saw him today.
08:27pm | Aug 26, '08 | Public
I wish you would call.
I'm sitting and waiting
and waiting.
But I swear you never EVER call when you say you will.
07:39pm | Sep 03, '08 | Friends
Even though we only friends. I love him.
And it hurts knowing I'm the only one trying to
hold our "friendship" together.
But if i say it hurts to much knowing he doesn't
even think i'm worth that, and i want him out of my life completely
He freaks out.
I am completely screwed.
No matter what I do.
So here walks the living dead girl.
Dead inside with no peace of mind.
10:39pm | Oct 04, '08 | Public
Omg!
Your so fucking immature.
You lied to me, time and time again.
And i put up with it.
Until now.
And now you think your so awesome because
you can 'yell' at me in CAPS?
Like get over yourself, i'm sick
of you lying to me and treating me like shit.
03:32pm | Nov 13, '08 | Public
Fucking bloody hell.
Life blows.
06:33pm | Nov 16, '08 | Public
Men are stupid
06:31pm | Mar 16, '09 | Public
He spoke to me...
<3
Wow.
Omg.
That was the first time in a long time my heart pounded like that.
It was such a tense conversation.
Why would I even start something with him?
But it was fun to irk him.
He hung up twice.
I know just what buttons to push.
And since he knows im right, he gets that much pissier.
But when we started talking he was very hostile, by the end, he was nicer-and hating that he was.
I hope this ends well.
I hope he does call back.
But i wont hold my breath.
That was the first time in a long time my heart pounded like that.
It was such a tense conversation.
Why would I even start something with him?
But it was fun to irk him.
He hung up twice.
I know just what buttons to push.
And since he knows im right, he gets that much pissier.
But when we started talking he was very hostile, by the end, he was nicer-and hating that he was.
I hope this ends well.
I hope he does call back.
But i wont hold my breath.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Magical Lands in faraway galaxies
Two moons ago on planet Xanax, Princess Vix and Princess Ara went to their favorite Oasis.
There they had a great time.
Then shortly after the aznth hour they went outside.
They they met some riders. These two were rebels, and they Princesses have crossed their paths before. Serlt and Aeto.
Since they were seemingly harmless, Vix and Ara graced them with their presence.
They were off with spirits and Ara decided to join them. Vix decided against it.
The four of them ended up outside a rundown building. They stood there enjoying the drinks. Someone who lived in the building told them to come on up for a drink, so up they went.
Having made a new friend, new plans were formed. For the next weekend, fishing on the ice planet of Haytopia.
It was time for the friend to go, so down they went back to the exterior.
Ara and Serlt went away, leaving Vix with Aeto.
Vix was persuaded to try the toxic drink. And drink she did.
They joked and laughed, mostly at Ara and Serlt.
And Vix freaked when the universal police stopped down the road.
Princesses are not allowed to be involved in such activities.
But Aeto assured her it was ok.
Then the two men left.
Leaving Ara and Vix alone.
They stumbled home and plotted the next adventure.
There they had a great time.
Then shortly after the aznth hour they went outside.
They they met some riders. These two were rebels, and they Princesses have crossed their paths before. Serlt and Aeto.
Since they were seemingly harmless, Vix and Ara graced them with their presence.
They were off with spirits and Ara decided to join them. Vix decided against it.
The four of them ended up outside a rundown building. They stood there enjoying the drinks. Someone who lived in the building told them to come on up for a drink, so up they went.
Having made a new friend, new plans were formed. For the next weekend, fishing on the ice planet of Haytopia.
It was time for the friend to go, so down they went back to the exterior.
Ara and Serlt went away, leaving Vix with Aeto.
Vix was persuaded to try the toxic drink. And drink she did.
They joked and laughed, mostly at Ara and Serlt.
And Vix freaked when the universal police stopped down the road.
Princesses are not allowed to be involved in such activities.
But Aeto assured her it was ok.
Then the two men left.
Leaving Ara and Vix alone.
They stumbled home and plotted the next adventure.
Friday, March 13, 2009
I am so excited!
Tonight I am going to the Mustard seed again!
I love going and helping out.
Its so great.
And I hope to see Cindy.
She is the sweetest.
<3!
I love going and helping out.
Its so great.
And I hope to see Cindy.
She is the sweetest.
<3!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Really? Really? Like seriously?
WOW that was effective!
Not.
So at least I know he is not interested in talking to me.
At all.
Whatever.
I'm over it.
(not really, but whatever. I'm going to be annoyed and pissed for the next few days. Not to mention, sad, moody, depressed.)
I'll ask Carson if i can come with him to church this sunday.
Not.
So at least I know he is not interested in talking to me.
At all.
Whatever.
I'm over it.
(not really, but whatever. I'm going to be annoyed and pissed for the next few days. Not to mention, sad, moody, depressed.)
I'll ask Carson if i can come with him to church this sunday.
Sour tears. Sad tears. Frustrated Tears. Heartbroken Tears.
I hate it when you say that I dont care.
Because I have never stopped caring, or loving you for that fact.
Maybe its a defense mechanism, but I do care, and I'm not going to stop anytime soon.
Why block out the memories?
They were amazing.
No matter what they will always be there.
Blocking me out is just childish.
But if you really dont want to speak to me ever again, just say it.
Because then I can switch and go to church with Carson.
Because looking at you is hard, its makes me regret a lot.
And without you talking to me, i feel so heartbroken knowing what used to be and how dramaitcally to has changed.
Because I have never stopped caring, or loving you for that fact.
Maybe its a defense mechanism, but I do care, and I'm not going to stop anytime soon.
Why block out the memories?
They were amazing.
No matter what they will always be there.
Blocking me out is just childish.
But if you really dont want to speak to me ever again, just say it.
Because then I can switch and go to church with Carson.
Because looking at you is hard, its makes me regret a lot.
And without you talking to me, i feel so heartbroken knowing what used to be and how dramaitcally to has changed.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Wellll....
Thats was interesting.
I need to go for a walk, i hope Jess can go after supper.
Or before.
Regardless.
Dude I fucking hate my phone.
Its a fucking piece of shit.
I cant wait to get a new phone, because i hate not knowing when or if its going to charge.
=(
BTW I hope your ok. I miss you and love you and your going to be ok.
Your just up in the N.E now, so I am going to have to come see you.
Because I love you and i want to see for my self your alright.
<3
I wish I could tell you straight up what I am thinking, but I can`t.
I dont know how you could be excited to move, but I`m happy for you.
I miss talking to you.
I feel very alone somedays, when I think about everything around me.
Its over whelming. I think I`m pushing to hard to soon, and I cant handle it.
I wish I could say i didnt see this coming, but i did.
*Sigh*
I need to go for a walk, i hope Jess can go after supper.
Or before.
Regardless.
Dude I fucking hate my phone.
Its a fucking piece of shit.
I cant wait to get a new phone, because i hate not knowing when or if its going to charge.
=(
BTW I hope your ok. I miss you and love you and your going to be ok.
Your just up in the N.E now, so I am going to have to come see you.
Because I love you and i want to see for my self your alright.
<3
I wish I could tell you straight up what I am thinking, but I can`t.
I dont know how you could be excited to move, but I`m happy for you.
I miss talking to you.
I feel very alone somedays, when I think about everything around me.
Its over whelming. I think I`m pushing to hard to soon, and I cant handle it.
I wish I could say i didnt see this coming, but i did.
*Sigh*
Monday, March 9, 2009
Angel in the Night- Basshunter
You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
But that is not enough
Will I ever be by your side
Your hair is dancing in the wind
Your eyes are burning off my skin
And I'm so happy when I see
That you are smiling back at me
You're living burn marks on the ground
Thank you God for what I've found
I don't know how, I don't know why
That you're my angel in the night
You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
Let me hold you now
Just like days before you start to cry
You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
But that is not enough
Will I ever be by your side
I try my best to satisfy
But all you do is where we make it right
I don't know what I'm gonna do
But I'm so crazy about you
Even if I don't know where to start
Even if my love is tearing me apart
I just know that you and me
We were always meant to be
You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
Let me hold you now
Just like days before you stopped to cry
You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
But that is not enough
Will I ever be by your side
You're my angel in the night
You are the beating in my heart
But that is not enough
Will I ever be by your side
Your hair is dancing in the wind
Your eyes are burning off my skin
And I'm so happy when I see
That you are smiling back at me
You're living burn marks on the ground
Thank you God for what I've found
I don't know how, I don't know why
That you're my angel in the night
You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
Let me hold you now
Just like days before you start to cry
You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
But that is not enough
Will I ever be by your side
I try my best to satisfy
But all you do is where we make it right
I don't know what I'm gonna do
But I'm so crazy about you
Even if I don't know where to start
Even if my love is tearing me apart
I just know that you and me
We were always meant to be
You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
Let me hold you now
Just like days before you stopped to cry
You are my light in the dark
You are the beating in my heart
But that is not enough
Will I ever be by your side
You're my angel in the night
Sunday, March 8, 2009
!!!!
Wow so that was the best weekend ever.
Which i say alot, but nothing could have been better than this weekend.
So friday I went swimming with Layne and Jess.
Which was kick ass.
The play the best music.
We got to see a few people we havent seen in a while.
Austin, Brenden, Johnny.
Austins not in jail WOOT!
We just had a great time.
I love spending time with Layne at the pool, I'm very open.
Its nice just to get rid of the shyness if only for a few hours.
Saturday was epic!
We went skating.
Started with seeing Derek.
He is like 20-something, and when i first met him i had this HUGE crush on him,
mostly because i couldnt help it, hes adorable. Tattoos, piercings and multicolored hair, whats not to love?
And i havent seen him since the fireworks in August.
So that put my in a great mood.
Plus me and Jess looked amazing. So we both just felt great.
And they played great music.
Donnie came with his friend Devon and we chilled for a bit.
And Devon wanted to go for a smoke at 11, so at 11 we took off our skates and stuff on our way out.
But then Donnie ididnt want to so they didint but while we were by the lockers
there were the two cute guys we thought were gay.
And one was loaded.
With a bottle of beer up his shirt.
And he asked if we were going out for a smoke, and were like yeah, and then the drunk one said to join them outside. and Jess said Only if i can have a sip.
So we hung iwth them for the last hour.
Shane and Alec(?)
Shane was the drunk one, and he was tripping all over himself.
It was funny.
But inside the foyer, this dad had his son, but left his shoes and coat in the car so he told him to stay put.
And this was just a tiny child.
And shane was like, lets go buddy and took his coat off and put it around this kid and carried him out to the car.
Now me and jess were like no dont, like you dont just pick up someones kid, especially when your drunk, but Alec(?) said that it was ok, that he is a good guy.
So it was cute.
It was just alot of fun.
I cant even verbalize it all.
Which i say alot, but nothing could have been better than this weekend.
So friday I went swimming with Layne and Jess.
Which was kick ass.
The play the best music.
We got to see a few people we havent seen in a while.
Austin, Brenden, Johnny.
Austins not in jail WOOT!
We just had a great time.
I love spending time with Layne at the pool, I'm very open.
Its nice just to get rid of the shyness if only for a few hours.
Saturday was epic!
We went skating.
Started with seeing Derek.
He is like 20-something, and when i first met him i had this HUGE crush on him,
mostly because i couldnt help it, hes adorable. Tattoos, piercings and multicolored hair, whats not to love?
And i havent seen him since the fireworks in August.
So that put my in a great mood.
Plus me and Jess looked amazing. So we both just felt great.
And they played great music.
Donnie came with his friend Devon and we chilled for a bit.
And Devon wanted to go for a smoke at 11, so at 11 we took off our skates and stuff on our way out.
But then Donnie ididnt want to so they didint but while we were by the lockers
there were the two cute guys we thought were gay.
And one was loaded.
With a bottle of beer up his shirt.
And he asked if we were going out for a smoke, and were like yeah, and then the drunk one said to join them outside. and Jess said Only if i can have a sip.
So we hung iwth them for the last hour.
Shane and Alec(?)
Shane was the drunk one, and he was tripping all over himself.
It was funny.
But inside the foyer, this dad had his son, but left his shoes and coat in the car so he told him to stay put.
And this was just a tiny child.
And shane was like, lets go buddy and took his coat off and put it around this kid and carried him out to the car.
Now me and jess were like no dont, like you dont just pick up someones kid, especially when your drunk, but Alec(?) said that it was ok, that he is a good guy.
So it was cute.
It was just alot of fun.
I cant even verbalize it all.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Like really? *Truth Project.
Ok so i have been attending this Truth project.
And I kinda like it.
KINDA.
There are some fucked up things.
All i ever see is how closed minded Christians are.
They really have this like stone set of good, bad, right, wrong.
Its whack.
And even though this video thing is suppoed to show both the Christian and Non-Christian view points, they don't.
They show the Non-Christain side as they percieve it.
So if they think its so flawed, then it will be because thats all they want to see.
Whats worse is I think only Jessica and I can see that its unfair.
Everyone else sits there and takes it.
Not even questioning it.
Fuck if someone re wrote the Bible saying to go to Heaven you had to kill yourself on your 65th birthday, they would!
They just accept it.
It could be a cult.
Maybe it is?
Someone mentioned how wrong abortion is.
I was upset at that.
I think abortion is wrong, but its a choice someone else has to live with.
And what if someone was raped and beaten?
Then found out she was pregnant with that monsters child?
I wouldn't want it in me.
I would have to abort it.
But if your just carelessly having sex and get knocked up, then i think to abort a life becuase you fucked up, is wrong.
And then Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
If you believe that your good, then you will be.
If in your heart you know your a good person then your actions will show it.
(Maslow studied what he called exemplary people such as Albert Einstein, Jane Addams, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Frederick Douglass rather than mentally ill or neurotic people, writing that "the study of crippled, stunted, immature, and unhealthy specimens can yield only a cripple psychology and a cripple philosophy.") -http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs
And if you really look at it, it makes alot of sense.
So to bash it, is lame.
Ugh.
I wish they could really open their minds.
I wish i had the balls to say so.
Maybe i will next time.
But i doubt it
And I kinda like it.
KINDA.
There are some fucked up things.
All i ever see is how closed minded Christians are.
They really have this like stone set of good, bad, right, wrong.
Its whack.
And even though this video thing is suppoed to show both the Christian and Non-Christian view points, they don't.
They show the Non-Christain side as they percieve it.
So if they think its so flawed, then it will be because thats all they want to see.
Whats worse is I think only Jessica and I can see that its unfair.
Everyone else sits there and takes it.
Not even questioning it.
Fuck if someone re wrote the Bible saying to go to Heaven you had to kill yourself on your 65th birthday, they would!
They just accept it.
It could be a cult.
Maybe it is?
Someone mentioned how wrong abortion is.
I was upset at that.
I think abortion is wrong, but its a choice someone else has to live with.
And what if someone was raped and beaten?
Then found out she was pregnant with that monsters child?
I wouldn't want it in me.
I would have to abort it.
But if your just carelessly having sex and get knocked up, then i think to abort a life becuase you fucked up, is wrong.
And then Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
If you believe that your good, then you will be.
If in your heart you know your a good person then your actions will show it.
(Maslow studied what he called exemplary people such as Albert Einstein, Jane Addams, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Frederick Douglass rather than mentally ill or neurotic people, writing that "the study of crippled, stunted, immature, and unhealthy specimens can yield only a cripple psychology and a cripple philosophy.") -http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs
And if you really look at it, it makes alot of sense.
So to bash it, is lame.
Ugh.
I wish they could really open their minds.
I wish i had the balls to say so.
Maybe i will next time.
But i doubt it
FAILTACULAR: a fail so epic its almost a win.
That is my day.
Woke up late.
But still made it to school in time for one great big hug from Layne.
And since he didnt expect to see me, I made him smile.
I Worked hard in gym class,
then I went to set the ball for Rosey to spike it, and fucked my thumb up.
Which I dont know why, but it made me feel nauseous.
So my math teacher didnt make me do anything, other than write the quiz quick.
And now I feel special because I actually have plans for the rest of the week.
Tomorrow is my moms birthday, so were going to hang out and watch E.R (Only five more episodes *tear*) and then CSI guest starring Taylor Swift, its supossed to be reeeaaalllllyyy good.
Friday=Teen Night! With Layne and Steph and hopfully Kerry. Plus anyone else who decides to go.
Saturday Afternoon: Either shopping with Jessica K, or watching Saw 5 with my dad.
Satuday night= Lloyds with Jess.
Sunday= Church
Sunday evening= Spending time with Layne.
Monday= Going to training with Layne. (Which I am seriously stoked for! May have to bring either Jess or Steph, apperantly someone on his team was going to go to grad with him, and now he has asked me, so yeah. Shes apparently not to happy. So I need some back up so i dont feel like a total dolt.)
Woke up late.
But still made it to school in time for one great big hug from Layne.
And since he didnt expect to see me, I made him smile.
I Worked hard in gym class,
then I went to set the ball for Rosey to spike it, and fucked my thumb up.
Which I dont know why, but it made me feel nauseous.
So my math teacher didnt make me do anything, other than write the quiz quick.
And now I feel special because I actually have plans for the rest of the week.
Tomorrow is my moms birthday, so were going to hang out and watch E.R (Only five more episodes *tear*) and then CSI guest starring Taylor Swift, its supossed to be reeeaaalllllyyy good.
Friday=Teen Night! With Layne and Steph and hopfully Kerry. Plus anyone else who decides to go.
Saturday Afternoon: Either shopping with Jessica K, or watching Saw 5 with my dad.
Satuday night= Lloyds with Jess.
Sunday= Church
Sunday evening= Spending time with Layne.
Monday= Going to training with Layne. (Which I am seriously stoked for! May have to bring either Jess or Steph, apperantly someone on his team was going to go to grad with him, and now he has asked me, so yeah. Shes apparently not to happy. So I need some back up so i dont feel like a total dolt.)
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Metamorphosis
She is small and hurt
Crying inside, completely alone.
She is trying to survive,
But she doesn’t know
She wanders in the abyss,
Trying to find the girl she used to be.
But that girl is gone,
If only they could see.
Everyday, a downward spiral
No looking up from here.
Falling farther, faster,
Consumed by nothing but fear.
Fear of the promises
That she could never live up to
Fear of the transformation
She could feel coming soon
She started blindly weaving
That cocoon around her tight
She just wanted somewhere to hide
To escape the eternal night
She realized she was warm and safe
Deep inside this shell
She trembled and felt the tears
As they began to swell.
She let them flow freely
Letting go of all the sadness inside.
Everything that had hurt so much
Was beginning to subside.
All the doubts began to fade
The darkness became clear
She wanted to welcome love
And live without fear
She was feeling stronger
For she had been reborn
She emerged from her shell
Unscathed and un-torn
With new grace and new beauty
She floats through everyday
She lives and laughs and loves
And thrives in everyway.
*My mom and the ladies at her work loved it.
Hope you all do as well.
Crying inside, completely alone.
She is trying to survive,
But she doesn’t know
She wanders in the abyss,
Trying to find the girl she used to be.
But that girl is gone,
If only they could see.
Everyday, a downward spiral
No looking up from here.
Falling farther, faster,
Consumed by nothing but fear.
Fear of the promises
That she could never live up to
Fear of the transformation
She could feel coming soon
She started blindly weaving
That cocoon around her tight
She just wanted somewhere to hide
To escape the eternal night
She realized she was warm and safe
Deep inside this shell
She trembled and felt the tears
As they began to swell.
She let them flow freely
Letting go of all the sadness inside.
Everything that had hurt so much
Was beginning to subside.
All the doubts began to fade
The darkness became clear
She wanted to welcome love
And live without fear
She was feeling stronger
For she had been reborn
She emerged from her shell
Unscathed and un-torn
With new grace and new beauty
She floats through everyday
She lives and laughs and loves
And thrives in everyway.
*My mom and the ladies at her work loved it.
Hope you all do as well.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Umm ok.
Wow, i really hope that wasnt refering to me.
If he really thinks that i hate him that much, then maybe i should give him what he asks for.
I'm not avoiding youth, or church.
I love going to much to do that, even if i was mad at him.
Because i spent one firday chilling out with my boyfriend, suddenly I'm not going because of him?
Thats bull.
Whoever wrote that, no offense, doesnt know me that well.
Because anyone who knew me well would know that no one will prevent me from doing what I like.
Besides, i dont hate him.
But Layne turns 18 in april, so I plan to continue going to teen night with him.
But I do plan to go back to the mustard seed, the second week of march, and i want to bring him bowling march 20th.
And then after that who knows what will happen.
If he really thinks that i hate him that much, then maybe i should give him what he asks for.
I'm not avoiding youth, or church.
I love going to much to do that, even if i was mad at him.
Because i spent one firday chilling out with my boyfriend, suddenly I'm not going because of him?
Thats bull.
Whoever wrote that, no offense, doesnt know me that well.
Because anyone who knew me well would know that no one will prevent me from doing what I like.
Besides, i dont hate him.
But Layne turns 18 in april, so I plan to continue going to teen night with him.
But I do plan to go back to the mustard seed, the second week of march, and i want to bring him bowling march 20th.
And then after that who knows what will happen.
=D
I love how He is the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep,
and how he is the first thing on my mind when I wake up.
Even if we dont really talk all day, we still always say good night, and good morning.
I doubt he knows how much it makes my day.
I hope he feels the same.
and how he is the first thing on my mind when I wake up.
Even if we dont really talk all day, we still always say good night, and good morning.
I doubt he knows how much it makes my day.
I hope he feels the same.
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