Well i'm done
Hate these fake friends
People who use, lie and hurt you.
Guys,
Girls
... All the same.

Time For new
Toxic
Friends
New people to
Burn
Break
Destroy Me

I Guess im not Worthy to have
Real
Love
Real
Friends
Real
Trust

Seriously, I miss him.
If he was here I would kiss him at midnight.
But hes in another country.
And even if he wasn't, he would'nt spend new years eve with me.
Let alone let me kiss him.
I dont know if were friends anymore.

In the meantime Jess is having a fun new years eve so im happy.

Happy face.

Went snowboarding again today.
It was freaking cold, but so much fun!
And i only hurt myself once.
Face first, with my legs all awkward.
It would have been a great wipeout if i was doing something cool, and not tripping off the chair lift.
I bought this cute shirt thats so totally me.
Its got a green run symbol and says easiest. then it has one of those name tag things and says, Hello: I suck.
Its great.
Either way i cant wait to go again soon.
Hoping for nice weather.

You know who you are.

Wow, its been forever since we've talked.
I'm sad your in a gang and doing heavy drugs.
And I'm sorry your dad emotionally abuses you.
But you are such an amazing soul.
And your talented when put your mind to it.
You are worth more than that.
Dont give up yet.
I'm sorry I beat the shit out of you in grade 9.
If i had known then, what I do now, well I probably still would have done it.
So sorry, again.
I'm glad you can confide in me.
But i can only do so much.
You understand you have a problem, and you know what the trigger was.
I think if you went into a good therapy program, and maybe like NA (Narcotics Anonymous)
You could straighten out.
And grow into the man you know you can be.
Remember i care about you, and when it feels like the world has turned its back on you,
I'm here.
Okay?
Call me whenever you need hun.

Kinda random quotes because i'm bored at two am.

Just because she comes off strong doesnt mean she didnt fall asleep crying.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't

After I wake up from dreaming about you, I have the biggest smile on my face, then it quickly fades away, cause I realize that it was just a dream, & you`re not really mine


It's not about the amount of friends you have
it's about how many you can trust.


Sometimes People Put Up Wall's, Not To Keep Other's Out. But To See Who Cares Enough,To Tear Them Down


Friendship isn't about who you've known the longest, its about who came along and never left


Friendships are like glass,
Once they are broken,
They can never be fixed
To the extent that they were made

&& always remember that no matter what, through thick and thin, that always and forever we're gonna be best friends and i'll always love you like my own sis



-Courtesy of www.poems-and-quotes.com

And I take back the Jeff comment.
I dont want it to be like that.
Because reading my old journals, (im not girly enough to have a diary)
I realized how much it hurt.
I'm over it now.
But it took me a long time.
So i kinda hope if anything its a clean break.
So he wont speak to me at all.
I mean obviously i wish we could go back to being friends,
but i dont think thats gonna happen anyways.

"And all i have to say is goodbye, were better off this way."
-Secondhand Serenade

(Sad face, Emo tear.)

Eek.

I'm so sore.
Not from typical snowboarding acheyness.
That doesnt bother me, in fact I love it.
But I dont love the neck injury from crashing into my brother.
And yay were going agian wednesday, (weather permitting)
Im so excited. Hopefully my neck feels better.
=)
Side notes.
(I seriously need to start my homework!)
(I want to go skating with jessie when she gets back.)
<3

I actually think I'm going to survive.

He won't talk to me fine.
Ok.
I'm going to be okay.
Its going to be great.
Breathe.
Its just like what happened with Jeff.
I hope.

Well it wasn't so bad.
It actually was quite homely.
I only wish when Uncle called he hadn't made me talk to his new beau.
I am still crying.

But it helped me decide my new years resolutions.
One, Become closer to God.
Two, Pick up the shattered pieces of my life.

Because my mom is right.
I have a lot to offer, and when I finally get my act together
I may just be a decent person.

Wow.
So much drama.
Not sure if ****** really did die.
But if she did wow i feel bad.
And i can't beieve ****'s dad called!
And I miss my jessie <3
And I miss *******.
Rawr.

Sick with the broken heart blues.

*Sigh*

Ok. So bah humbug and all the rest.
****** is still being a douche. Blaming me for everything.
Complaining about how I borke his heart.
Trying to guilt me. Its not fair.
I don't need it.
The last week has been so lame, and not getting better.
But props to Ellen Hopkins with her newest book, Identical.
Great way so help mask my misery.
Its such a twisted book. In so many ways.
So it made me feel a little better.
But I think ******* is feeling different towards me.
I don't understand it myself so I can't explain it, but its off.
Somethings wrong.
We were on the phone for like thirty minutes.
Thats unusual for us, normally it's never under an hour.
But whatever, the way I think it is
if he can't handle my temper, then he needs to remove himself from my life.
If he cant handle me at my worst, he doesnt deserve me at my best.
Which is hard to say, because he has handled alot of my worse qualities.
And i'm amazed he stuck around this long.
But i guess it was bound to happen.
Everyone gets sick of me sooner or later.
And now its off to grandmas house we go.
If only everyone could be there.
I wish they were.
Hopfully Michelle and Tyler come.
Just so the place doesn't feel so empty.
Merry Christmas.

EGAH!

Pain!
Egh, time for pills and a heating pad.

Dear _______

In reply,
By reading your blogs, (which i found by same way you found mine),
I feel the same way.
Reading your thoughts, I was reading my own.
I've been so curious about everything, and wanted to reach out and ask.
But you kinda like intmidate me. I'm not sure why.
Could be because i'm so shy.
So i'm glad you said something.
If maybe, you wanted to get to know each other, i have facebook.
I mean, I'm really not sure if its a good idea.
For a few reasons.
One being, how he would feel about it.
And maybe it would just be opening a can of hurt.
But it could also be helpful maybe.
I dont know.
So, yeah.
I really don't know.

Ugh

So I'm grounded.
No phone, computer, or having any fun in general.
Um I think I have a minor concussion from falling yesterday.
My head won't stop acheing, my vision is blured and I'm insanely nauseous.
I'm only at school because if I'm not here then i get in more trouble.
All I can hear in my head is his heartbeat.
And cuddling with my teddy last night, I swear I could still feel the rise and fall of your breathing.
And hopfully he doesn't think less of me.
And I am going to the liabray after school to get like fifty books so I actually have something to do for the next two weeks of absolute hell with my mother.

I think life massivley fails right now.

Well.

I quite possibly feel a little stupid.
And I'm like 80% sure it meant nothing to him.

Like no regrets or anything,
but maybe it shouldn't happen again?

Marbles, Teddy bears, and broken hearts.

Urhm.
So.
I've like decided I feel used and hurt.
And it sucks.
Reading her blogs, its like wow.
So yeah.
I dont know what I'm going to do.
Other than to stop assuming everything.
And shes right,
"hes still hung up on the last girl, i cant change that
i want him, all of him, but ill never get that because she still has him"
So maybe I need to cut my losses.
Keep him as a friend forever and never hope for anything more.
That way, I dont get used or hurt.
And he doesn't have to worry about stringing me along.

Of course I dont work that way, and will go on loving him when i shouldn't
and secretly hoping that maybe I could be good enough for him.
And maybe that one day i could be all he's ever wanted.
But for now, I have to at least pretend to use my head.

Long, pointless, scattered thoughts.

You know that kind of special snow?
The kind that is soft and fluffy.
Like a cloud.
And it glitters in the sunlight.
Its just magical.
I love it.
I swear I sat there for an hour.
Just reminiscing.
Snow used to be a portal into another world.
It was angels, snowmen and forts.
Obstacle courses, missions and sledding.
It was a time for bonding with people.
Me and my brother would go out for hours to make the perfect fort.
And then while we played we destroyed it, but it was ok.
Because the next day we would go out and fix it.
We imagined we were people in far away lands,
rushing against time to save the world.
And then there was that time over at Eliston park with my mom, brother and Josi.
We had the tubes and were racing down the hill.
Josi and I were on one, and Justin wanted to jump on half way down, and he like bounced off the front and flipped over us.
And years and years ago on that snow day, Darcy took me and Justin up the alleys and stuff on his snowmobile because there was so much of it.
And Jess, Mouse, Tyanna, Justin and I made this huge pile of snow.
And like made stairs up one side, and a slide down the other.
That New Years was the last time we were all together.
Haha and I think the only party my parents have ever thrown.
I still remember the princess play we put on for the adults.
I was seven. Jessie was eight. Tyanna was nine. Mouse was six, and my brother five.
It was just all so amazing.
So innocent and fun.
As people get older the magic seems to disappear.
I don't wish I was a kid again, I just wish I could get the magic back.
The magic of christmas morning and being excited that Santa came.
I remember the year Santa came to grandmas house after dinner.
It's funny, because I have no idea who played Santa.
So it will always be Santa.
I remember at the old house, my 4th christmas, creeping down the stairs and seeing the tree all lit up and
that bear being under the tree.
I still have her. My cute little Holly bear.
I remember wishing for a white christmas.
And sitting outside freezing my butt off for an hour,
I realized I couldn't be happier.
Thats because the magic is forever in my heart.
And I can't wait to have kids, so I can create thats magic in them.
And have many magical memories with them.

Moving out.

So I get to do the same project I did in the sixth grade.
Woot.

Rawr! I'm so bored!!

Quiz.. Name: Samantha
Gender:Female
1.) When showering, do you start the water and then get in or get in and start the water? Turn the water on and get in.
2.) Do you read the labels on the shampoo bottle? Yeah
3.) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the herbal essence commercials? Hahahaha No.
4.) Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex? Yeah
5.) Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings? When i was veryy veryy little.
6.) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower? Yeah
7.) Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot? Its me... of course i have.
8.) How old do you look? I have been mistaken for a seventh grader and a 22 yr. old- and everything in between.
9.) How old do you act? My age, if not older.
10.) What's the last song you heard/sang? Gotta be Somebody- Nickleback
11.) Have you recently become a member of anything?Um. I dont think so.
12.) What are your plans for the weekend? Nothing other than the usual.
13.) What is your mood at the moment? Sleepy, Bored.
14.) Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull? Haha actually no.
15) Do you ever intentionally vomit after drinking? Eww no, who does that?
16.) If you were working on a pirate ship, what would you most likely be? Captian. Or the Parrot.
17.) Have you ever called anyone a slut? Yeah if its true
18.) Has anyone ever called you a slut? I think so =/
19). Have you ever smuggled something into America? Nope
20.) Does playing a guitar make someone more attractive? No but displaying a talent without being cocky does ;]
21.) Do you live in a city with a good sports team? Meh.
22). Have you ever finished off the popcorn? Yeah
23). Have you ever turned someone down for a date? Yeah
24.) Who's your favorite super-hero? Superman!
25.) Do you have more enemies or more friends? Friends.
26.) Have you ever sent an anonymous letter? Yeah.
27.) Can you fix your own car? Does bribing someone else to do it count?
28). Do you like staying up late? Kinda.
29.) Are you smarter than your friends? lol , Some of them.
30.) Have you ever stolen anything from your friends? No
31.) Have you ever been to jail? Give it time.
32.) Last thing you bought over 50 dollars? A gift for a friend.
33) Do you like the smell of beer? (puke) No
34.) Have you ever died or killed someone in a dream? Lol all the time
35.) Have you ever given to charity? Yeah
36.) Would you kill a dog for $1000? No!
37.) Do you ever get depressed? Occasionally
38.) Do you live with your parents? Yes
39.) Do you have plans for your future? Ever-changing but yeah.
TWO'S OF EVERY KIND
Two Names You Go By: Sam Sammy
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now: Shirt, pants
Two Places You Want to go on Vacation: Paris and Sydney
Two favorite animals? Leopard, Wolf
Two Things You Want in a Relationship other than Real Love: Honesty, Comfort
Two Reasons you're doing this survey: Tired, nothing better to do.
Spell your name without vowels: Sm or Smnth
More Questions : How many pairs of jeans do you own? 4 or 5
What colors do you wear most often?: black white blue
Last song heard on the iTunes? Seventeen forever- metro station.
Are you missing someone right now? yupp
Are you happy with your life right now? For the most part i guess
Do you own a... PS2?: yea
XBOX?: noo
XBOX 360?: no
PSP?: nopee
Gamecube?: nopee
A digital camera? yeah
Do you shop at stores like Aeropostale and American Eagle: nott often
How do you make money? parents/ kinda part-time job
How was the weather today? Freaking Cold!
When do you start summer break? june...
Favorite pair of shoes: My plaid DC's.
Do you own big sunglasses?: No way
Do you find yourself attractive?: Honestly no.
What should you be doing right now? Reading.
Who did you hug today? Dani, Kyle, Chris, Brittany, Shayla
How many beds did you lay in yesterday? 1
Name two thing that you do everyday? shower and eat.
What's the color of your bedroom walls?: bluee
How much cash do you have on you right now? 3 dollars
What are your favorite sports? soccer basket ball volleyball and badmonton
When was the last time you saw your dad? An hour ago
What did you have for dinner last night? Steak and potatoes
Look to your left, what do you see? Outside.
Do you have plants in your room? nope
What's your favorite Starbucks drink? Yeah right.
Recent time you were really upset? Lol today

Eeek.

Well Falalalala, lalalala.
I love christmas because I love spending the time with family and friends.
But no one is going to be around!
Kaite and Kyle are going with their dad.
My uncle is with his new girlfriend in the states.
Jessica and her family are going to Vic.
I don't think were going to my grandma Gowlands for christmas day,
because my dad always bitches about going.
And 25 other friends are going on a missons trip, which is cool,
but I'm going to miss them so much.
So, please just wake me when it's over.

asdfjkl;

Haha
So once again I shall aim to take over the world.
Control everyone and everything.
After that completely sadistic and masochistic dream I think it would be fun.
Or maybe it was my subconscience telling my I need more control in my life,
or to stop my feelings from controling me.
But who knows.
Maybe I'm meant to enslave all of humanity.
Maybe it would be fun.
Domination =)

hmm.

So I think I've decided that I'm completely insane.
And that I have to start using my head more.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and usually end up hurt.
So I'm just going to like not feel anything ever again.
Robots have more fun anyways. =)

From the heart.

I once heard a story straight from the heart
About a girl and how her world began to fall apart
It all started when she met the boy that made her life complete
Just thinking of him made her heart skip a beat
They were the couple everyone wanted to be
There were no imperfections as either one could see
As the weeks passed they fell more in love and were less aware
Of how often life turns out to be unfair
Until one day she finally gave in
She realized there was no way she could win
She said I'm sorry but i have to let you go
As he reached for her hand she pulled away whispering no
When she turned around a tear slid down her cheek
He just stood there speechless, forgetting how to speak
The next few days were the hardest at home
She truly felt she was all alone
Her mom pushed in her face how she had won
Her dad said "i knew he was just another one"
Her sister said "come on you'll be ok"
And her brother just tried to stay away
At school it was like her friends weren't even there
None of them seemed to really care
Her life had no more color, just black and white
Even getting out of bed turned into a fight
Despite their tries things just weren't like before
Then she decided "i don't wanna try anymore"
At that she tried to cut him out
But the more she ignored him the more her feelings began to shout
When she saw him that day she could no longer just walk by
And before she knew it her mouth opened up and out came "hi"
He looked up and said "so now we're talking?"
She just smiled and join his walking
Everyday they talked a little more
And everyday she began to like him a little less then before
As the months passed by she became more and more aware
About how its ok life's unfair
Because eventually everything becomes your past
But your memories will always last
And with that i hope you see
Not all love is meant to be
But hold on and don't give in
Stand tall, hold up your chin
And believe me when i say
The right one will come one day
He'll open your eyes to things you couldn't ever see
I know this because..this is a story all about me...

My random thoughts. W00T.

Still looking for acceptance from everybody.
I swear I feel like an alien.
I just don't belong.
I mean, i enjoy my own time just as much as everyone else,
but like, to always be alone is tiresome.
I actually had someone to chill with friday which was awesome.
Chirs thank you for making me feel included.
Ugh, unfortunatly Douchbag wants his backpack.
So I have to see him monday.
I don't know why I dislike him so much.
I think its because I have no real reason to.
I mean I broke up with him because of his lies.
He lied about everything and anything.
And now he's said sorry, and i don't have any reason to be mad.
So all thats left is the love I still feel for him.
But I don't want to be with him anymore.
Hence, my dislike towrads him.
I think.
Who knows. I'm just trying to make sense of my life.
And now I feel totally lame.
Why?
Because I actually feel jealous.
Of my best friend!
How lame is that.
But its ok because i'm over it.
Not really but its so much easier to pretend.

Me.... being foolish.

Couldn't Sleep Last Night
Too Busy Thinking About You
Can't Get You Out Of My Head
But What Am I Supposed To Do

Every Night While I Sleep
I Dream About Me And You
For Us To Finally Be Together
Would Be A Dream Come True

I Can't Seem To Do Anything
Without You In My Head
Every Night I Sit And Think
About You As I Lie Awake In Bed

Everytime I'm Around You
You Take My Breath Away
I Wish That I Could Be With You
Every Minute Of Every Day

When I'm With You I Start To Shake
I Can't Think Of What To Say
My Heart Starts Beating Really Fast
And All My Fears Simply Melt Away

As I Stare Into Your Eyes
I Always Seem To Get Lost
I Would Give Anything To Be With You
No Matter What The Cost

I Think Im Going Crazy
I Just Don't Know What To Do
My Heart Controls My Mind
I'm Falling In Love With You.

Take a journey into my mind.

No words,
No thoughts,
No feelings for how I feel.

Empty
Alone
Scared

Emotional damage
Stress
Hurt
All eating away at my soul.

Tired and weak.
No longer can I fight.
Just crumpled into nothing,
Falling
Into the abyss.

Please won't somebody
care enough to save me?

....I can't do this on my own.