Time to go home.

Fake smile, check;
Fake stories about my day, check;

Real pain, hidden.
Real tears, hidden.
Real emotions, hidden.
Who I am, hidden.
...They wouldn't get it.

Lots of people don't, why would they?
Almost three years later and they still don't get it.
Don't you love depression?
I can't wait till they figure out what I'm up to. (Sarcasm)
Back to the hospital I'll go.
And this time I wont get out.

Paul Brandt I meant to do that. <3

A rose in a box, wrapped up in dreams
A card that explains how much your love means
A table for two with soft candlelight
The words "I love you," somewhere in the night

CHORUS:I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that

Late in the night, nothing to say
Maybe a call to talk anyway
A letter or two with some words that rhyme
To promise you love, for now and all time

CHORUS:I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that

Hold onto the love you gave until the end of time
And love you more every day, until you know that

CHORUS:I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that

Wow.
I really did it.
I wasn't sure if I would or not,
I've been so strong.
But I felt the sweet release of metal on skin.
Everything grey turned blue.
Alive.
Thriving.
Blood to prove I am alive.
I'm so seriously screwed up.
Only two people really know.
Are involved enough to care.
Not in the shake-their-head-omg-your-so-stupid-why do-i-even-bother kinda way.
But in a way they understand, and even tolerate it.
Because everyone has their faults.
Everyone has bad habits.
And as long as I'm not cutting to end my life its fine.
And seeing how I'm not, its ok.
I don't want to die.
I want to feel alive.
And part of it is, i can take any and all physcial pain.
Emotional pain, I cant deal with.
So I try to out weigh one with another.
And I told someone about my eating habits,
or rather lack of.
It was kinda selfish, But I needed to tell someone.
And tonight I refuse to cry myself to sleep.
Its not an option.
And I'm so scared about this whole house thing.
I mean, I over heard my parents talking about the new house.
Well because of the recession, our house won't sell for much,
and the house we bought is so expensive.
We may end up screwing ourselves out of a place to live.
Lately I have been so stressed and overwhlemed with school.
I worked my ass off and I thought i was behind, But turns out I'm now ahead.
In every class.
Which is a shock, but now i can focus on exams.
But I feel like I'm losing touch with reality.
Like I'm speneding more time with books and music, and wandering around.
I really havent been talking to anyone much.
Not even my family.
I'm like always by my self now.
It no longer bothers me to be alone.
With the exception of when I wake up at two in the morning crying,
with my music playing sappy love songs.
Even as i write this i'm listening to "I want ot know what love is" by Foreigner.
But its fine.
Eventually I'll meet someone great.
Lmao, if kyla and jessica can so can I.
But that makes me wish i was older, seems every decent normal guy i meet is older.
Making me to young.
But whatever.
Did I mention, my uncle got married?
My Aunt has only been gone since July.
He met this girl 2 months ago.
I was pissed. And hurt.
Then he decided to go spend christmas with her in the states.
Again I was hurt.
And then yeah I find out they got married, on like the 27th or something.
Like WTF.
What worse is my parents are happy about it.
I'm still not over losing her, and hes already re-married.
I wasn't even that close to her.
And he was married to her for as long as i can remember!
Ugh.
Wow, and so seems like I'm just ranting, so I'll stop writing now.