Failing

Its something im great at. I mastered the art of failing.
I cant get anything right.
But its my own fault for not trying.
I think i am afraid that if i try i will fail.
So i dont try.
My parents comment daily on how im such a failure.
How can i feel i can be anything else?
Right now im an orphan.
My family has more or less disowned me.
Which hurts.
Mothers day yesterday was hard.
Church yesterday was hard.
I spent my time singing songs in my head to try to not think about the fact that i "have no mother"
Then i couldnt do it any longer and went outside to cry.
My mother figure picked me up, we went home and she locked herself in her room.
My dad stayed outside.
And i spent the day in my room crying and feeling like shit.
Im grounded from anything, so i couldnt call anyone, besdies they were all busy with their moms anyway.
I dont want to be at home, i dont want to be with anyone.
But at the same time i dont want to be alone.
Im at Jessicas right now.
Her mom gave me a huge hug, and asked if i wanted to spend the night.
I felt more love from her and Jess than anyone else i know, including my family.
I dont know why her and her mom dont get along.
Her mom is pretty special.
This entire family is.
I dont know what i would do without friends like them.
But i am really getting sick of living.
Last friday i almost did it.
Im getting so close, and im not scared anymore.
I used to be, but noww im not.
I really dont care if i live or die.
And i dont think many people would care.
I can think of a few.
And they matter a lot to me.
But eventually everyone would forget me and move on.
Two people have killed themselves at my school this year, a student and a teacher.
Maybe i could be the third.