My 18th is something I've never really looked forward to.
And my dad has always said for my 18th were going out and he wants to get me wasted so never want to drink.
And its already been decided that I'm going out with my mom, and Nikki.
But after seeing my dad after a few drinks, (which is something i've never seen, my dad doesnt drink) I've changed my mind.
It sounds like fun.
And I'd love to go, and make him think i'm drinking lots, so he drinks more, so then i can pretend i can hold my liquor better than him.
Today was his last day at this job, and everyone thinks he is so old, and he quit becuase he is going to retire.
Hes only like 45.
So they guys took him out to Bootleggers.
He's pretty funny when hes loaded.
I didnt think my dad could be so funny.
And well he isnt that bad. Like really.
But I can tell he was drinking.
And its such a shock.
And omg I'm actually talking to Levi.
Wow.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Hmmm. Mercy Ship.
I kinda want to be a kindergarten teacher
Which is something I have always thought about but now Its something I really want to do. Because there are these ships, and they are state of the art hospitals. And they dock all over Africa, and soon Asia. And they are looking for kindergarten teachers for long term. I think it would be so rewarding. I read a book about Mercy Ships, and it seemed so...
I dont know how to even explain it. But It made me want to help. And I dont think I could be a nurse or doctor on the ship, I have such a weak stomach. But being a teacher, I could still help out. So I'm going to keep looking into it.
I'm actually kinda really excited.
Which is something I have always thought about but now Its something I really want to do. Because there are these ships, and they are state of the art hospitals. And they dock all over Africa, and soon Asia. And they are looking for kindergarten teachers for long term. I think it would be so rewarding. I read a book about Mercy Ships, and it seemed so...
I dont know how to even explain it. But It made me want to help. And I dont think I could be a nurse or doctor on the ship, I have such a weak stomach. But being a teacher, I could still help out. So I'm going to keep looking into it.
I'm actually kinda really excited.
=)
I had such a wonderful day.
I did laundry.
I cooked dinner.
I worked out.
It was awesome.
Tomorrow I'm cooking again,
after I finish the house work.
Tonight I made steak, with baked rigatoni and Cesar salad.
It was great.
I feel so happy, drifting around doing simple stuff.
Like I enjoy helping and feeling useful.
But omg a miscommunication is leaving me uneasy.
I dont know what I'm going to do.
I did laundry.
I cooked dinner.
I worked out.
It was awesome.
Tomorrow I'm cooking again,
after I finish the house work.
Tonight I made steak, with baked rigatoni and Cesar salad.
It was great.
I feel so happy, drifting around doing simple stuff.
Like I enjoy helping and feeling useful.
But omg a miscommunication is leaving me uneasy.
I dont know what I'm going to do.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Nothing makes me smile more than having my head in the toilet all day.
So I'm not going swimming friday,
I'm going saturday, till about five, then me and Jess are going skating till midnight.
Swimming opens at like 8am so we shall probably go early.
And its like a mini birthday thing.
So I'm excited.
I mean since my birthday is on Tuesday.
(Yay Sweet Sixteen)
I really dont do birthdays anymore.
I always try to make big plans,
but then I always turn to something small.
Last three years its been just a few small friends skating.
Now I'm going swimming and skating.
Lol.
I've invited a few other people, but everyone seems to have plans.
But thats ok.
I dont need alot of people around me.
I'm happy with Jessica, since she's like my best friend ever!
So i'm glad I can still chill with her.
I'm going saturday, till about five, then me and Jess are going skating till midnight.
Swimming opens at like 8am so we shall probably go early.
And its like a mini birthday thing.
So I'm excited.
I mean since my birthday is on Tuesday.
(Yay Sweet Sixteen)
I really dont do birthdays anymore.
I always try to make big plans,
but then I always turn to something small.
Last three years its been just a few small friends skating.
Now I'm going swimming and skating.
Lol.
I've invited a few other people, but everyone seems to have plans.
But thats ok.
I dont need alot of people around me.
I'm happy with Jessica, since she's like my best friend ever!
So i'm glad I can still chill with her.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Oh lets add I hate the fricken dentist.
I dont even have wisdom teeth!
So why want to send me to a specialist to get them yanked?
Like WTF!
Like they are seriously not there,
not showing,
Not under my gums.
I don't have any!
And you took the x-rays,
you should know.
So now I'm afraid to go back.
Add that to the list of other things I'm scared of that I shouldn't be.
(Ex. Clowns!)
I dont even have wisdom teeth!
So why want to send me to a specialist to get them yanked?
Like WTF!
Like they are seriously not there,
not showing,
Not under my gums.
I don't have any!
And you took the x-rays,
you should know.
So now I'm afraid to go back.
Add that to the list of other things I'm scared of that I shouldn't be.
(Ex. Clowns!)
And so the battle begins!
I wonder how long this screaming match will last?
I cant take it, I need to get out of here.
Fuck.
I cant take it, I need to get out of here.
Fuck.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Awww. <3
Hello darlin' happy birthday
I've decided not to give you a present this year
In fact I think it's about time I took some things away
I'd like to take away the suspicion that I know clouds your world at times
By giving you some faith to hold on to honey whenever your hand is not in mine
Happy birthday darlin' I've no presents no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take
I'd like to take away some of your lonely moments by spendin' more of mine with you
And I'd like to take away some of those so-so kisses
And replace them with ones that really say I love you
And I wanna take away the doubt you sometimes have about my love
By showin' more much more that I've shown lately
And then if someone had asked you what I've got you for your birthday
Well you can say why he didn't gave me anything but he sure took a lotta things away
Happy birthday darlin' I've no presents no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take
Happy birthday darlin' I've no presents no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take
Happy birthday darlin'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4zixNUmH1M
I've decided not to give you a present this year
In fact I think it's about time I took some things away
I'd like to take away the suspicion that I know clouds your world at times
By giving you some faith to hold on to honey whenever your hand is not in mine
Happy birthday darlin' I've no presents no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take
I'd like to take away some of your lonely moments by spendin' more of mine with you
And I'd like to take away some of those so-so kisses
And replace them with ones that really say I love you
And I wanna take away the doubt you sometimes have about my love
By showin' more much more that I've shown lately
And then if someone had asked you what I've got you for your birthday
Well you can say why he didn't gave me anything but he sure took a lotta things away
Happy birthday darlin' I've no presents no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take
Happy birthday darlin' I've no presents no fancy cake
But I hope I'll make you happy with everything I take
Happy birthday darlin'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4zixNUmH1M
Today. Including my almost stupid decision, my multiple falls, and priceless moments with the fam.
OK so this morning I wake up at ten thirty.
I lie there and i debated going to my exam.
Finally I get up and shower thinking that I am a moron for even thinking of not going.
So I showed up, looking amazing BTW, and sit down at my computer.
The test starts, and I realize that i didn't need to stay up late to study.
It was all simple stuff that we learned like the first three weeks.
The same basic stuff that was drilled into our heads for the following weeks up until now.
And the sources for the essay could not have been easier.
I was like wow.
And then, since i had to wear my lovely hooker boots because i left my normal shoes in the truck,
I fall on the ice.
Which shouldn't have shocked me since i fell repeatedly on the way to school.
And then after I get on the loud, kinda crowded bus and stand with a bunch of people near the back doors.
It was fine, until about the Husky.
Then I slide when the bus starts moving again, totally lost all balence, falling into the girl behind me.
Luckily I kinda knew her so even though I turned bright red, i wasnt all that embarrassed.
Well I wasnt till the guy sitting like next to where i was standing got up and told me to sit.
I was like Thanks, and then looked out the window turning my ipod up, and hoping no one was paying any attention to the cherry red that was my face.
**But thank you so much, who ever you are. It was a sweet gesture and I won't soon forget it.**
So i get home, and i'm doing the dishes.
And my ipod is turned up very loud so i didnt hear my parents come in.
And my mom comes up behind me, apparently talking and all i see is something bigger than my little dog moving towards me out of the corner of my eye.
And then she put her hand on the small of my back, I freak not knowing it was her,
so i scream and like jump away.
So we all go sit in the living room upstairs waiting to go get my brother from basketball.
Dad on one couch, mom on the other, me on the floor using Mr. Cuddles as a pillow.
Were watching Judge Joe Brown, and I'm laughing becuase its no long the good show it used to be.
Now its like Jerry Springer with a verdict.
But then we go get Justin.
It was funny,
Waiting in the parking lot we had my ipod plugged into the truck stereo.
And we were all singing along to "Only the lonely"
Which for anyone who doesn't have a clue what that is, its an old song.
From like 1960 or something.
My brother comes out and starts singing along.
So then we all drive to the mall, jamming out to this wicked song.
And then sitting eating dinner, Justin starts talking about home ec.
And how he needs sweater material so he can make a sweater, and mom asks
"what are you making?"
So we all start laughing because mom is blonde and not paying attention.
It was cute.
So then we are in Wal-mart.
(Yes I buy stuff from Wal-mart, who gives a shit long as its cute right?)
And Me and my mom go look at swim suits, and my dad and brother
go look at toy cars.
Tryed this purple thing on, hated it, so we were looking at this black and white thing when my dad and brother come back over.
And my mom is like holding it up to me, like over my boobs and stuff, lol like only a mother can do, and my dad and brother are like disagreeing about wheather my dad has this car or not.
And mom was like were kinda busy, and they looked at what we were doing and were like ok were going to electronics.
And to get to electronics from bathing suits you have to go through like bras and underwear and stuff.
So walking through my brother grabs this huge bra, my dad holds it up on my brother and yells over to us asking if it looks ok.
Well you should have seen the looks we got.
It was priceless.
In the end I bought this adorable black and white bathing suit (I love it)
My dad bought both cars. (turns out he did have one already)
And my mom was just happy to get home.
So yeah.
All in all it was a great day.
*Going swimming friday, @ LC. so far its me and my brother,
But anyone who wants to join is more than welcome.*
I lie there and i debated going to my exam.
Finally I get up and shower thinking that I am a moron for even thinking of not going.
So I showed up, looking amazing BTW, and sit down at my computer.
The test starts, and I realize that i didn't need to stay up late to study.
It was all simple stuff that we learned like the first three weeks.
The same basic stuff that was drilled into our heads for the following weeks up until now.
And the sources for the essay could not have been easier.
I was like wow.
And then, since i had to wear my lovely hooker boots because i left my normal shoes in the truck,
I fall on the ice.
Which shouldn't have shocked me since i fell repeatedly on the way to school.
And then after I get on the loud, kinda crowded bus and stand with a bunch of people near the back doors.
It was fine, until about the Husky.
Then I slide when the bus starts moving again, totally lost all balence, falling into the girl behind me.
Luckily I kinda knew her so even though I turned bright red, i wasnt all that embarrassed.
Well I wasnt till the guy sitting like next to where i was standing got up and told me to sit.
I was like Thanks, and then looked out the window turning my ipod up, and hoping no one was paying any attention to the cherry red that was my face.
**But thank you so much, who ever you are. It was a sweet gesture and I won't soon forget it.**
So i get home, and i'm doing the dishes.
And my ipod is turned up very loud so i didnt hear my parents come in.
And my mom comes up behind me, apparently talking and all i see is something bigger than my little dog moving towards me out of the corner of my eye.
And then she put her hand on the small of my back, I freak not knowing it was her,
so i scream and like jump away.
So we all go sit in the living room upstairs waiting to go get my brother from basketball.
Dad on one couch, mom on the other, me on the floor using Mr. Cuddles as a pillow.
Were watching Judge Joe Brown, and I'm laughing becuase its no long the good show it used to be.
Now its like Jerry Springer with a verdict.
But then we go get Justin.
It was funny,
Waiting in the parking lot we had my ipod plugged into the truck stereo.
And we were all singing along to "Only the lonely"
Which for anyone who doesn't have a clue what that is, its an old song.
From like 1960 or something.
My brother comes out and starts singing along.
So then we all drive to the mall, jamming out to this wicked song.
And then sitting eating dinner, Justin starts talking about home ec.
And how he needs sweater material so he can make a sweater, and mom asks
"what are you making?"
So we all start laughing because mom is blonde and not paying attention.
It was cute.
So then we are in Wal-mart.
(Yes I buy stuff from Wal-mart, who gives a shit long as its cute right?)
And Me and my mom go look at swim suits, and my dad and brother
go look at toy cars.
Tryed this purple thing on, hated it, so we were looking at this black and white thing when my dad and brother come back over.
And my mom is like holding it up to me, like over my boobs and stuff, lol like only a mother can do, and my dad and brother are like disagreeing about wheather my dad has this car or not.
And mom was like were kinda busy, and they looked at what we were doing and were like ok were going to electronics.
And to get to electronics from bathing suits you have to go through like bras and underwear and stuff.
So walking through my brother grabs this huge bra, my dad holds it up on my brother and yells over to us asking if it looks ok.
Well you should have seen the looks we got.
It was priceless.
In the end I bought this adorable black and white bathing suit (I love it)
My dad bought both cars. (turns out he did have one already)
And my mom was just happy to get home.
So yeah.
All in all it was a great day.
*Going swimming friday, @ LC. so far its me and my brother,
But anyone who wants to join is more than welcome.*
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
=))
Haha.
Ok the group was supposed to go skating,
which got changed to swimming.
And no one went.
Lol Jess and I went, but no one else did.
So me and her just had fun on our own.
Sorta.
Lol.
So we were just splashing around in the water,
and there was this guy.
Lol what we noticed first was how cute he was.
Then we noticed he looked kinda lost.
So i told Jess we should go say something,
and of course she agreed.
And yeah, he couldn't find his friends,
so we asked if he wanted company.
So we spent almost the entire day with this cute guy.
His name is Tim, and he lives in strathmore, and he has the hottest accent.
But when me and Jess ran to the locker and came back
his two cute friends/cousins were there.
And that was great.
We ended up having so much fun!
And wow.
They were cute.
Built.
Had such nice eyes.
And such amazing German accents.
And you know we got their numbers.
I cant wait to see them again!!!!!
Eeeeeee!
Ok the group was supposed to go skating,
which got changed to swimming.
And no one went.
Lol Jess and I went, but no one else did.
So me and her just had fun on our own.
Sorta.
Lol.
So we were just splashing around in the water,
and there was this guy.
Lol what we noticed first was how cute he was.
Then we noticed he looked kinda lost.
So i told Jess we should go say something,
and of course she agreed.
And yeah, he couldn't find his friends,
so we asked if he wanted company.
So we spent almost the entire day with this cute guy.
His name is Tim, and he lives in strathmore, and he has the hottest accent.
But when me and Jess ran to the locker and came back
his two cute friends/cousins were there.
And that was great.
We ended up having so much fun!
And wow.
They were cute.
Built.
Had such nice eyes.
And such amazing German accents.
And you know we got their numbers.
I cant wait to see them again!!!!!
Eeeeeee!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Yay.
Yay.
Omg today was so great, and its not over.
My dad had two interviews today.
And both wanted to hire him on the spot.
So he took the first one, because its a nice relaxed job.
Hes a senior something or other.
Regardless its awesome!
Its great job, doing something he enjoys,
but its kinda an office/work from home job.
Which means its easier on his heart.
I'm so thankful for that.
And whats funny is now he gets to go quit his job on monday.
And now me and Jess are going skating.
Which is awesome.
Hopefully Jay will be there.
I want Jess to meet him.
Mostly because he is the most perfect guy in the world.
Like for me.
Except for the same birthday thing.
I dont like that our birthdays are on the same day.
(Eeeeekk, 11 days till i'm sixteen!)
But hes tall, so cute, has pierceings
And is a friggen country boy.
He has a horse, (so beautiful)
And relatives who have a huge farm.
Hes great.
Omg today was so great, and its not over.
My dad had two interviews today.
And both wanted to hire him on the spot.
So he took the first one, because its a nice relaxed job.
Hes a senior something or other.
Regardless its awesome!
Its great job, doing something he enjoys,
but its kinda an office/work from home job.
Which means its easier on his heart.
I'm so thankful for that.
And whats funny is now he gets to go quit his job on monday.
And now me and Jess are going skating.
Which is awesome.
Hopefully Jay will be there.
I want Jess to meet him.
Mostly because he is the most perfect guy in the world.
Like for me.
Except for the same birthday thing.
I dont like that our birthdays are on the same day.
(Eeeeekk, 11 days till i'm sixteen!)
But hes tall, so cute, has pierceings
And is a friggen country boy.
He has a horse, (so beautiful)
And relatives who have a huge farm.
Hes great.
Happy sad face.
Well definitely the most interesting conversation i have had in a while.
I mean really.
I wish I knew why I didnt snatch him up when i had the chance.
He really is such a great guy.
Even though I dont understand whats hot about me sucking on my finger.
I really wish you werent going to marry her.
But your happy so i cant complain.
Much.
I didnt think men like you exsisted.
The kind that actually has a romantic bone in their bodies.
I mean how cute is it your proposing in Paris,
At night on the Eiffel tower.
(I mean thats only my greatest dream)
And the ring is going to be in a cowboy hat jewelery box.
(I didnt think i'd mention to you that i have the same one,
and that i use it on occaision to hold weed)
I wish more men were like that.
And I'm so excited that my opinion matters enough to want me to go
right shopping with you!
It seems that you have everything thought out.
I cant believe we talked for shit, like 6 hours.
Omg its 4 in the effing moring.
Time for bed.
(Txt you later amazing guy-who-befriended-a-small-scared-young-girl-and-stayed-friends-with-her-3-years-later-who-can-make-her-laugh-brightest-and-smile-till-it-hurts-and-who-can-just-be-ourselves-around-with-nothing-to-hide-becuase-we've-seen-each-other-most-vulnerable-and-its-brought-us-stronger-together-guy-i-can-never-call-my-own-guy-who-after-thursday-is-going-to-break-my-heart.)
I mean really.
I wish I knew why I didnt snatch him up when i had the chance.
He really is such a great guy.
Even though I dont understand whats hot about me sucking on my finger.
I really wish you werent going to marry her.
But your happy so i cant complain.
Much.
I didnt think men like you exsisted.
The kind that actually has a romantic bone in their bodies.
I mean how cute is it your proposing in Paris,
At night on the Eiffel tower.
(I mean thats only my greatest dream)
And the ring is going to be in a cowboy hat jewelery box.
(I didnt think i'd mention to you that i have the same one,
and that i use it on occaision to hold weed)
I wish more men were like that.
And I'm so excited that my opinion matters enough to want me to go
right shopping with you!
It seems that you have everything thought out.
I cant believe we talked for shit, like 6 hours.
Omg its 4 in the effing moring.
Time for bed.
(Txt you later amazing guy-who-befriended-a-small-scared-young-girl-and-stayed-friends-with-her-3-years-later-who-can-make-her-laugh-brightest-and-smile-till-it-hurts-and-who-can-just-be-ourselves-around-with-nothing-to-hide-becuase-we've-seen-each-other-most-vulnerable-and-its-brought-us-stronger-together-guy-i-can-never-call-my-own-guy-who-after-thursday-is-going-to-break-my-heart.)
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Happy Birthday Daddy!
Wow.
Ok so today, I just woke up feeling fine.
After days of agonizing pain,
Its almost completly gone.
But Its starting to hurt a bit now.
I over did it today,
but it was worth it.
The cake for my dad turned out awesome.
Well for my standards.
So I'm going to just take it easy tomorrow.
Because I want to go skating.
I havent been ice skating in years.
And oh em gee.
Me and Jeff are going to go ride unicorns next wednesday.
I cant wait.
Heres the cake.
Ok so today, I just woke up feeling fine.
After days of agonizing pain,
Its almost completly gone.
But Its starting to hurt a bit now.
I over did it today,
but it was worth it.
The cake for my dad turned out awesome.
Well for my standards.
So I'm going to just take it easy tomorrow.
Because I want to go skating.
I havent been ice skating in years.
And oh em gee.
Me and Jeff are going to go ride unicorns next wednesday.
I cant wait.
Heres the cake.
Monday, January 19, 2009
What if I said I cherish you? What if I said that I always will?
You wouldn't say anything.
You never do.
It's like I'm invisable.
You never do.
It's like I'm invisable.
I feel like i'm dying.
My fever isn't breaking,
I can't eat anything.
I'm so hot its disgusting.
My back aches, as my head does.
Plus i'm coughing and sneezing.
I havent moved all day, mostly because I cant,
I'm so sick of this couch.
And this is the fifth day in a row i have had a back ache and head ache.
So i'm going to the doctors tomorrow.
Which i'm not looking forward to.
I hate doctors.
This is when i wish i had a guy in my life.
Lol, he could come hold my hand at the doctors.
Because yes, i am that wimpy.
As much as i would love to have someone to take care of,
sometimes i need to be taken care of.
Regardless, im not looking forward to tomorrow.
At all.
BLECH!!
My fever isn't breaking,
I can't eat anything.
I'm so hot its disgusting.
My back aches, as my head does.
Plus i'm coughing and sneezing.
I havent moved all day, mostly because I cant,
I'm so sick of this couch.
And this is the fifth day in a row i have had a back ache and head ache.
So i'm going to the doctors tomorrow.
Which i'm not looking forward to.
I hate doctors.
This is when i wish i had a guy in my life.
Lol, he could come hold my hand at the doctors.
Because yes, i am that wimpy.
As much as i would love to have someone to take care of,
sometimes i need to be taken care of.
Regardless, im not looking forward to tomorrow.
At all.
BLECH!!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Wow that didn't take long.
Which sucks, but glad I'm out of the race.
So it worked out for the best.
I'm over it.
But I'm happy to have many plans for the upcoming week.
This week, English exam, Birthday cake for my dad (its going to be awesome!),
Jeff and Ryan
Jessica and Dan,
Kyla and hopefully Jesse.
I'm so not feeling good.
My throat is like sand paper.
I've decided to not care about anything.
I'm just going to live.
And let the job hunt begin!
Which sucks, but glad I'm out of the race.
So it worked out for the best.
I'm over it.
But I'm happy to have many plans for the upcoming week.
This week, English exam, Birthday cake for my dad (its going to be awesome!),
Jeff and Ryan
Jessica and Dan,
Kyla and hopefully Jesse.
I'm so not feeling good.
My throat is like sand paper.
I've decided to not care about anything.
I'm just going to live.
And let the job hunt begin!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Today sucks.
Talking with him started nice,
but ended with me irritated.
And then I burnt my effing hand.
I went to school, for one class, the only class i had today.
My hand was throbbing.
And all that happened was people played cards.
I feel totally ill, knowing that I might see Connor,
or worse,
His mother.
Especially since he goes for sentencing monday.
Ugh.
And not only did Nicky lose her baby,
she has had to carry it around for the last month.
I feel so bad for her.
She's such a sweetheart, she shouldn't have had to endure tat.
I'm happy the day is almost over.
Talking with him started nice,
but ended with me irritated.
And then I burnt my effing hand.
I went to school, for one class, the only class i had today.
My hand was throbbing.
And all that happened was people played cards.
I feel totally ill, knowing that I might see Connor,
or worse,
His mother.
Especially since he goes for sentencing monday.
Ugh.
And not only did Nicky lose her baby,
she has had to carry it around for the last month.
I feel so bad for her.
She's such a sweetheart, she shouldn't have had to endure tat.
I'm happy the day is almost over.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Ok so i missed one period.
I actually made it back for my last class.
So i'm happy were in the computer lab.
=) Calm is so boring sometimes. I'm glad i can waste it on here.
So I bought this cute black and purple bustier.
I changed my mind on the teddie, for now.
And they had shirts on sale, so i bought this cute quarter-sleeve black thing.
Its got the Batman symbol on it, i love it.
And then some cute make up i can't wait to try,
along with make up brushes.
It was nice having money to spend.
I sold one of my batons, so I had money in my pockets.
Plus I have enough left over for smokes.
Yay.
Lol I'm sure a certain friend of mine will be happy.
She doesn't smoke. But she loves to inhale my second hand smoke.
Which makes me think she just needs to start smoking.
Seeing how secondhand smokers dont have a filter.
!!! Its taking all my will power not to smoke my dads cuban.
Its just sitting there.
Ugh.
But grounded for life doesn't sound to appealling.
ps. The Dark Knight, is quite possibly the best movie ever.
I actually made it back for my last class.
So i'm happy were in the computer lab.
=) Calm is so boring sometimes. I'm glad i can waste it on here.
So I bought this cute black and purple bustier.
I changed my mind on the teddie, for now.
And they had shirts on sale, so i bought this cute quarter-sleeve black thing.
Its got the Batman symbol on it, i love it.
And then some cute make up i can't wait to try,
along with make up brushes.
It was nice having money to spend.
I sold one of my batons, so I had money in my pockets.
Plus I have enough left over for smokes.
Yay.
Lol I'm sure a certain friend of mine will be happy.
She doesn't smoke. But she loves to inhale my second hand smoke.
Which makes me think she just needs to start smoking.
Seeing how secondhand smokers dont have a filter.
!!! Its taking all my will power not to smoke my dads cuban.
Its just sitting there.
Ugh.
But grounded for life doesn't sound to appealling.
ps. The Dark Knight, is quite possibly the best movie ever.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Like seriously, come on.
I miss you, don't get me wrong.
But your so confusing.
Like really.
At least me and jeff still talk.
(I so hope him and ryan come bowling!)
But your so confusing.
Like really.
At least me and jeff still talk.
(I so hope him and ryan come bowling!)
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Ughh
Wow.
Another person in my school has commited suicide.
Two months ago it was a grade ten student.
This time it was a teacher.
Which is so sad, and heartbreaking.
But at the same time i wish i had enough balls to do it.
Im so sick of everything, and i dont think its worth it anymore.
I got kicked out of my freaking house again
after another massive huge fige with my dad.
I have this weird bruise on my arm from the jerk.
Besides just being sore.
Everything is so down hill right now.
The little bit of hope and faith i had is diminishing in front of my eyes.
I'm trying so hard to hold on,
when all i really want to do is let go.
I'm not sure of a lot of things.
And as i try to count up all the great things in my life
i notice that the list is small, and ever changing- always getting smaller.
I'm so close to giving up,
But i know i couldn't do it.
And its so infuriating!
And for everyone, or anyone reading this and feeling uneasy
trust me when i say i wont do it.
If i was going to i would have by now.
The first time i decided I was going to do it was
a massive fail.
Almot three years ago actually.
January 31st.
I didn't want to live to see my 13th birthday.
How sad is that?
Twelve years old and already fed up with living.
Yeah I've been seriously fucked up for a long time.
And I think think I'll grow a pair anytime soon.
But then again everything can change in the blink of an eye.
It would be nothing to step in front of that speeding car
Or cut a little too deep.
So i guess nothings really certain.
My issue at the moment revolves around love.
How can anyone love me when the people who birthed me and rasied me can't?
They dont love me.
Or support my goals and dreams.
And they could care less about how i feel.
Instead they tear me down and belittle my acomplishments.
How could I love myself?
Obviously I'm so terrible.
So worthless.
And If i dont love myself,
How can anyone else love me?
They can't.
Don't.
Adding to my misery.
Another person in my school has commited suicide.
Two months ago it was a grade ten student.
This time it was a teacher.
Which is so sad, and heartbreaking.
But at the same time i wish i had enough balls to do it.
Im so sick of everything, and i dont think its worth it anymore.
I got kicked out of my freaking house again
after another massive huge fige with my dad.
I have this weird bruise on my arm from the jerk.
Besides just being sore.
Everything is so down hill right now.
The little bit of hope and faith i had is diminishing in front of my eyes.
I'm trying so hard to hold on,
when all i really want to do is let go.
I'm not sure of a lot of things.
And as i try to count up all the great things in my life
i notice that the list is small, and ever changing- always getting smaller.
I'm so close to giving up,
But i know i couldn't do it.
And its so infuriating!
And for everyone, or anyone reading this and feeling uneasy
trust me when i say i wont do it.
If i was going to i would have by now.
The first time i decided I was going to do it was
a massive fail.
Almot three years ago actually.
January 31st.
I didn't want to live to see my 13th birthday.
How sad is that?
Twelve years old and already fed up with living.
Yeah I've been seriously fucked up for a long time.
And I think think I'll grow a pair anytime soon.
But then again everything can change in the blink of an eye.
It would be nothing to step in front of that speeding car
Or cut a little too deep.
So i guess nothings really certain.
My issue at the moment revolves around love.
How can anyone love me when the people who birthed me and rasied me can't?
They dont love me.
Or support my goals and dreams.
And they could care less about how i feel.
Instead they tear me down and belittle my acomplishments.
How could I love myself?
Obviously I'm so terrible.
So worthless.
And If i dont love myself,
How can anyone else love me?
They can't.
Don't.
Adding to my misery.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Time to go home.
Fake smile, check;
Fake stories about my day, check;
Real pain, hidden.
Real tears, hidden.
Real emotions, hidden.
Who I am, hidden.
...They wouldn't get it.
Lots of people don't, why would they?
Almost three years later and they still don't get it.
Don't you love depression?
I can't wait till they figure out what I'm up to. (Sarcasm)
Back to the hospital I'll go.
And this time I wont get out.
Fake stories about my day, check;
Real pain, hidden.
Real tears, hidden.
Real emotions, hidden.
Who I am, hidden.
...They wouldn't get it.
Lots of people don't, why would they?
Almost three years later and they still don't get it.
Don't you love depression?
I can't wait till they figure out what I'm up to. (Sarcasm)
Back to the hospital I'll go.
And this time I wont get out.
Paul Brandt I meant to do that. <3
A rose in a box, wrapped up in dreams
A card that explains how much your love means
A table for two with soft candlelight
The words "I love you," somewhere in the night
CHORUS:I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that
Late in the night, nothing to say
Maybe a call to talk anyway
A letter or two with some words that rhyme
To promise you love, for now and all time
CHORUS:I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that
Hold onto the love you gave until the end of time
And love you more every day, until you know that
CHORUS:I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that
A card that explains how much your love means
A table for two with soft candlelight
The words "I love you," somewhere in the night
CHORUS:I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that
Late in the night, nothing to say
Maybe a call to talk anyway
A letter or two with some words that rhyme
To promise you love, for now and all time
CHORUS:I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that
Hold onto the love you gave until the end of time
And love you more every day, until you know that
CHORUS:I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that
Wow.
I really did it.
I wasn't sure if I would or not,
I've been so strong.
But I felt the sweet release of metal on skin.
Everything grey turned blue.
Alive.
Thriving.
Blood to prove I am alive.
I'm so seriously screwed up.
Only two people really know.
Are involved enough to care.
Not in the shake-their-head-omg-your-so-stupid-why do-i-even-bother kinda way.
But in a way they understand, and even tolerate it.
Because everyone has their faults.
Everyone has bad habits.
And as long as I'm not cutting to end my life its fine.
And seeing how I'm not, its ok.
I don't want to die.
I want to feel alive.
And part of it is, i can take any and all physcial pain.
Emotional pain, I cant deal with.
So I try to out weigh one with another.
And I told someone about my eating habits,
or rather lack of.
It was kinda selfish, But I needed to tell someone.
And tonight I refuse to cry myself to sleep.
Its not an option.
And I'm so scared about this whole house thing.
I mean, I over heard my parents talking about the new house.
Well because of the recession, our house won't sell for much,
and the house we bought is so expensive.
We may end up screwing ourselves out of a place to live.
Lately I have been so stressed and overwhlemed with school.
I worked my ass off and I thought i was behind, But turns out I'm now ahead.
In every class.
Which is a shock, but now i can focus on exams.
But I feel like I'm losing touch with reality.
Like I'm speneding more time with books and music, and wandering around.
I really havent been talking to anyone much.
Not even my family.
I'm like always by my self now.
It no longer bothers me to be alone.
With the exception of when I wake up at two in the morning crying,
with my music playing sappy love songs.
Even as i write this i'm listening to "I want ot know what love is" by Foreigner.
But its fine.
Eventually I'll meet someone great.
Lmao, if kyla and jessica can so can I.
But that makes me wish i was older, seems every decent normal guy i meet is older.
Making me to young.
But whatever.
Did I mention, my uncle got married?
My Aunt has only been gone since July.
He met this girl 2 months ago.
I was pissed. And hurt.
Then he decided to go spend christmas with her in the states.
Again I was hurt.
And then yeah I find out they got married, on like the 27th or something.
Like WTF.
What worse is my parents are happy about it.
I'm still not over losing her, and hes already re-married.
I wasn't even that close to her.
And he was married to her for as long as i can remember!
Ugh.
Wow, and so seems like I'm just ranting, so I'll stop writing now.
I really did it.
I wasn't sure if I would or not,
I've been so strong.
But I felt the sweet release of metal on skin.
Everything grey turned blue.
Alive.
Thriving.
Blood to prove I am alive.
I'm so seriously screwed up.
Only two people really know.
Are involved enough to care.
Not in the shake-their-head-omg-your-so-stupid-why do-i-even-bother kinda way.
But in a way they understand, and even tolerate it.
Because everyone has their faults.
Everyone has bad habits.
And as long as I'm not cutting to end my life its fine.
And seeing how I'm not, its ok.
I don't want to die.
I want to feel alive.
And part of it is, i can take any and all physcial pain.
Emotional pain, I cant deal with.
So I try to out weigh one with another.
And I told someone about my eating habits,
or rather lack of.
It was kinda selfish, But I needed to tell someone.
And tonight I refuse to cry myself to sleep.
Its not an option.
And I'm so scared about this whole house thing.
I mean, I over heard my parents talking about the new house.
Well because of the recession, our house won't sell for much,
and the house we bought is so expensive.
We may end up screwing ourselves out of a place to live.
Lately I have been so stressed and overwhlemed with school.
I worked my ass off and I thought i was behind, But turns out I'm now ahead.
In every class.
Which is a shock, but now i can focus on exams.
But I feel like I'm losing touch with reality.
Like I'm speneding more time with books and music, and wandering around.
I really havent been talking to anyone much.
Not even my family.
I'm like always by my self now.
It no longer bothers me to be alone.
With the exception of when I wake up at two in the morning crying,
with my music playing sappy love songs.
Even as i write this i'm listening to "I want ot know what love is" by Foreigner.
But its fine.
Eventually I'll meet someone great.
Lmao, if kyla and jessica can so can I.
But that makes me wish i was older, seems every decent normal guy i meet is older.
Making me to young.
But whatever.
Did I mention, my uncle got married?
My Aunt has only been gone since July.
He met this girl 2 months ago.
I was pissed. And hurt.
Then he decided to go spend christmas with her in the states.
Again I was hurt.
And then yeah I find out they got married, on like the 27th or something.
Like WTF.
What worse is my parents are happy about it.
I'm still not over losing her, and hes already re-married.
I wasn't even that close to her.
And he was married to her for as long as i can remember!
Ugh.
Wow, and so seems like I'm just ranting, so I'll stop writing now.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Well I'm now sick.
Which is so great.
Um Kylas camrea is smashed.
But on the plus side Jessie is back. (Happyface)
Um oh and lets hear it for succumbing to bad habits.
Less important, smoking.
More important, Budding bulima.
Plus cooling my veins with liquid fire.
I have a problem.
Many actually,
But I'm not ready to recover.
At least I'm able to admit it.
Which i'm not really able to.
But on here, this being like the journal I always forget to write in under my bed,
its different.
Ask me to my face and i'll deny it.
As far as i'm concerned i have tryed being normal.
I've tryed medication,
hospitalization,
Now its time for self medication.
Anyone who has a problem with that can kiss my ass.
Which is so great.
Um Kylas camrea is smashed.
But on the plus side Jessie is back. (Happyface)
Um oh and lets hear it for succumbing to bad habits.
Less important, smoking.
More important, Budding bulima.
Plus cooling my veins with liquid fire.
I have a problem.
Many actually,
But I'm not ready to recover.
At least I'm able to admit it.
Which i'm not really able to.
But on here, this being like the journal I always forget to write in under my bed,
its different.
Ask me to my face and i'll deny it.
As far as i'm concerned i have tryed being normal.
I've tryed medication,
hospitalization,
Now its time for self medication.
Anyone who has a problem with that can kiss my ass.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
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