So just like a totally random thought...

I actually kinda miss the out of control party girl i used to be.
And its something i want back.
But this time with me in control.
I don't know quite how i am going to do that, but i will find a way.
I miss going out and being with lots of friends, having just a kick ass time.
Not caring much about rules or curfew.
Just letting go of all my insecurities.
Because I am back to my worry wart habit.
Where I worry about things that's are useless.
Someone asked me if I ever let anyone in.
Truth is I don't. Not anymore...
I have been burned so many times.
And Now I am an ice queen.
But last summer, I loved everyone and let them love and care about me.
I had no boundaries.
No walls.
But then I got hurt, by the one who i was closest to and i shut my self off from the world, but pretended that i hadn't.
And now, after a week from hell, i feel how alone i am.
The sick part of me loves it.
The sad part of me cant stand it.
And both parts agree that its too scary to do anything about it.
I can think of only a handful of people i have let in, and that's only because I let them in long ago....
And are such a permanent part of my life, i would have to excise them, just like a limb.
So i want to try to start putting my self out there, and stop walking on eggshells.
Im sick of pretending like everything is ok when its not and im going to start doing something about it.
I am going to LIVE my life. And expirence it.
And just soak it all up while i can.
I am going to stop saying no, and making excuses to get out of plans.
....Yeah