Realist vs. Idealist... who wins? Nobody.

Ed sono realmente malato di essere vivo...

Ugh.
No cell phone.
Cant go ANYWHERE. Not even for a walk.
Really i think its all a conspircy to get rid of me once and for all.
And now im too old for foster care, and we no longer have a case worker because our contract was up a few months ago.
So i reeally need to get a job, in case they decide to throw me out.
Which wouldnt surprise me. Its what they are good at.
And seeing how its getting warmer, I can just expect it.
Last year they never threw me out (like trash) when it was cold.
Two weeks, end of April till Second week of May. May long weekend till July. Two weeks in August, Three in September.
So its almost that time of year again.
I really hoped they were past that.
But after freaking out about two minor things and they told me that I could be leaving.
Last year I wasnt in school and doing drugs.
So yeah.
And people wonder why I'm so fucking depressed.
That would be part of the reason.
But I guess its my fault for not taking the prozac they perscribed.
Then again it didnt help me.
But neither did the Apo-Fluvoxamine they had me on first.
It made me feel hollow. Like a shell of a person, with nothing inside.
No happiness, No sadness. Nothing.
So I would rather feel this pain.
The dread of waking up each morning.
At least for now.
When I want to feel nothing, i'll just go play in traffic or swallow a handfull of pills.
Because cutting sucks, I ruined my favorite jeans today.
Three perfect lines of blood soaked right through.
I guess they were deeper than i thought.

Fuck you.

Yes i fucking hate you.
Yes, i do hate how no matter what i do you still assume the worst.
Yes, you are being a fucking prick.
Yes, i want to fucking fight with you, but i dont want to go to jail.
Yes i just cut myself. Nice, deep, crimson. Release.
Yes im going for a walk. no you wont let me come bacl