Failing

Its something im great at. I mastered the art of failing.
I cant get anything right.
But its my own fault for not trying.
I think i am afraid that if i try i will fail.
So i dont try.
My parents comment daily on how im such a failure.
How can i feel i can be anything else?
Right now im an orphan.
My family has more or less disowned me.
Which hurts.
Mothers day yesterday was hard.
Church yesterday was hard.
I spent my time singing songs in my head to try to not think about the fact that i "have no mother"
Then i couldnt do it any longer and went outside to cry.
My mother figure picked me up, we went home and she locked herself in her room.
My dad stayed outside.
And i spent the day in my room crying and feeling like shit.
Im grounded from anything, so i couldnt call anyone, besdies they were all busy with their moms anyway.
I dont want to be at home, i dont want to be with anyone.
But at the same time i dont want to be alone.
Im at Jessicas right now.
Her mom gave me a huge hug, and asked if i wanted to spend the night.
I felt more love from her and Jess than anyone else i know, including my family.
I dont know why her and her mom dont get along.
Her mom is pretty special.
This entire family is.
I dont know what i would do without friends like them.
But i am really getting sick of living.
Last friday i almost did it.
Im getting so close, and im not scared anymore.
I used to be, but noww im not.
I really dont care if i live or die.
And i dont think many people would care.
I can think of a few.
And they matter a lot to me.
But eventually everyone would forget me and move on.
Two people have killed themselves at my school this year, a student and a teacher.
Maybe i could be the third.

This week’s playlist:
All I ever wanted- Basshunter
Amazed- Lonestar
Angel in the night- Basshunter
Believe- Cher
Beer Run- Garth Brooks
Convoy- Paul Brandt
Don’t Blink- Kenny Chesney
Don’t Think I don’t Think About It- Darius Rucker
Don’t trust me- 3OH!3
Dota- Basshunter
Drinkin’ Thinkin’- George Canyon
Dust on the Bottle- Tim McGraw
Fer sure- The Medic Droid
Friends in low places- Garth Brooks
Go girl- Pitbull
Goodtime- Alan Jackson
Grease lightning- from the movie Grease
Hand Grenade- Hedley
Heels over Head- Boys like girls
Here I your arms- Hellogoodbye
Hungry Eyes- Eric Carmen
I’m on a boat- the lonely island
I love college- Asher Roth
I love rock n roll- Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
I smell sex and candy- Marcy Playground
If I could turn back time- Cher
In her eyes- Bassuhunter
Inspector Gadget- Inspector Gadget
Jailhouse Rock- Elvis Presley
Jesse’s Girl- Rick Springfield
Just like Jesse James- Cher
Last kiss- Dion and the Belmonts
Move shake drop- Pitbull (Remix)
My Heart has a History- Paul Brandt
Operator (A Girl Like me) – Shiloh
Pop goes the world- Men without hats
Sex on fire- Kings of Leon
She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy- Kenny Chesney
Squeeze toy- The boomtang boys
Stay- Sugarland
Streamline- Newton
Strong enough- Cher
Summer of ’69- Bryan Adams
Suspicious Minds- Roy Orbison
The Thunder Rolls- Garth Brooks
Twist and Shout- The Beatles
Viva Las Vegas- Elvis Presley
Wouldn’t it be nice- The beach boys
You spin me right round- Dead or alive
You’re Gonna Miss This- Trace Adkins