I have so much to do and not nearly enough time.
RAWR!

My asshole (soon to be ex) boyfriend

Justin
Hi Sam

7:50pmSamantha
i really cant talk to you right now.

you couldnt tell me the truth

you lied

i dont care you cheated

but i cant stand the fact that you lied

cheating means nothing next to lying

if you cared about me you could have told me the truth

i would have understood

7:51pmJustin
I was going to tell you. I was afriad that if I told you having not seen me in a while you would leave me

7:51pmSamantha
i really would have

i spent the entire time away from you missing you

im not that fickle

its the fact you lied

7:52pmJustin
I should have told you immediately

I feel horrible about the whole thing

I don't know what else I can do but promise to never lie to you again

You already know I'll never cheat again

7:56pmSamantha
No i dont know that. Because i have heard that more times than i can count. And every time i get burned. Im not as stupid as i used to be. i've learned alot by going through some of the things i have. And one thing i know is once a cheater always a cheater

so be honest about one thing and please tell me who it was

7:58pmJustin
Her name's Amanda. I know her through her brother. I fixed his bike on day. She and I had been friends with benefits for a few months before you and I started dating. I hadn't seen or talked to her since we started dating, and all of a sudden she shows up at my house. She asked me to take a walk with her in that "I think I'm pregant" kinda way. Not mine, I never did her.

7:58pmSamantha
omg.

well you told me that part today

thanks for leaving the imporant part out.

7:58pmJustin
We walked to a park and she asked if we could sit down. I was wearing sweats and going commando, and before I knew it she was blowing me after telling me she thought she might be pregnant with her boyfriends kid

7:59pmSamantha
asshole

7:59pmJustin
I was stupid and gave in

8:00pmSamantha
thats is the understatmeant of the year

Yay.
Ok so now that things are sorta ok with my mom i am kinda looking forward to this weekend up in GP.
But the eight hour drive doesnt seem like fun.
*Sigh*

Failing

Its something im great at. I mastered the art of failing.
I cant get anything right.
But its my own fault for not trying.
I think i am afraid that if i try i will fail.
So i dont try.
My parents comment daily on how im such a failure.
How can i feel i can be anything else?
Right now im an orphan.
My family has more or less disowned me.
Which hurts.
Mothers day yesterday was hard.
Church yesterday was hard.
I spent my time singing songs in my head to try to not think about the fact that i "have no mother"
Then i couldnt do it any longer and went outside to cry.
My mother figure picked me up, we went home and she locked herself in her room.
My dad stayed outside.
And i spent the day in my room crying and feeling like shit.
Im grounded from anything, so i couldnt call anyone, besdies they were all busy with their moms anyway.
I dont want to be at home, i dont want to be with anyone.
But at the same time i dont want to be alone.
Im at Jessicas right now.
Her mom gave me a huge hug, and asked if i wanted to spend the night.
I felt more love from her and Jess than anyone else i know, including my family.
I dont know why her and her mom dont get along.
Her mom is pretty special.
This entire family is.
I dont know what i would do without friends like them.
But i am really getting sick of living.
Last friday i almost did it.
Im getting so close, and im not scared anymore.
I used to be, but noww im not.
I really dont care if i live or die.
And i dont think many people would care.
I can think of a few.
And they matter a lot to me.
But eventually everyone would forget me and move on.
Two people have killed themselves at my school this year, a student and a teacher.
Maybe i could be the third.

This week’s playlist:
All I ever wanted- Basshunter
Amazed- Lonestar
Angel in the night- Basshunter
Believe- Cher
Beer Run- Garth Brooks
Convoy- Paul Brandt
Don’t Blink- Kenny Chesney
Don’t Think I don’t Think About It- Darius Rucker
Don’t trust me- 3OH!3
Dota- Basshunter
Drinkin’ Thinkin’- George Canyon
Dust on the Bottle- Tim McGraw
Fer sure- The Medic Droid
Friends in low places- Garth Brooks
Go girl- Pitbull
Goodtime- Alan Jackson
Grease lightning- from the movie Grease
Hand Grenade- Hedley
Heels over Head- Boys like girls
Here I your arms- Hellogoodbye
Hungry Eyes- Eric Carmen
I’m on a boat- the lonely island
I love college- Asher Roth
I love rock n roll- Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
I smell sex and candy- Marcy Playground
If I could turn back time- Cher
In her eyes- Bassuhunter
Inspector Gadget- Inspector Gadget
Jailhouse Rock- Elvis Presley
Jesse’s Girl- Rick Springfield
Just like Jesse James- Cher
Last kiss- Dion and the Belmonts
Move shake drop- Pitbull (Remix)
My Heart has a History- Paul Brandt
Operator (A Girl Like me) – Shiloh
Pop goes the world- Men without hats
Sex on fire- Kings of Leon
She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy- Kenny Chesney
Squeeze toy- The boomtang boys
Stay- Sugarland
Streamline- Newton
Strong enough- Cher
Summer of ’69- Bryan Adams
Suspicious Minds- Roy Orbison
The Thunder Rolls- Garth Brooks
Twist and Shout- The Beatles
Viva Las Vegas- Elvis Presley
Wouldn’t it be nice- The beach boys
You spin me right round- Dead or alive
You’re Gonna Miss This- Trace Adkins

Seriously. I am so Britany the last two weeks.

But i have never been happier.
First off Mel isnt pregnant.
But her actions are something people cant seem to stop talking about.
Maybe its because she is creating unnessary drama.
And Penner and I for the last week have been really really close.
Emotionally. We talk about eveything. Our hopes, dreams, our pasts, what has made us who we are.
Physically. Cuddling to keep warm, or because were tired. Holding hands just because.
No labels.
No worries about tomorrow.
Just now.
In the moment.
And its amazing.
And while jess is worried about HSM2 ending, im praying that she will be ok.
Spending more time at home, and no longer seeing the people she has spent countles hours with prepairing and performing.
I love that girlie.
But yeah, thats just me.
But g2g.
Xoxo