Ugh.

So i get to spend another friday in the family planning clinic.
The best part was seeing three other girls from my school there.
Two out of three are pregnant. So Melissa is freaking out.
She really doesnt want to be pregnant. And Jamie is an asshole.
So thats that.
And then there is another certain asshole i know.
Who is no longer single.
Which makes him a liar. And that really hurts.
But whatever.
And I really miss him and his hugs.
And his smile.
He is just adorable, but so sexy at the same time.
An intoxicating duo.
And then the next three weeks are going to be so freaking busy its not even funny.
Seriously next weekend Me and Jess are going swimming or skating because i will finally be off grounding.
And then the weekend after is Daisy and Robertos wedding.
The weekend after that i am going up to grande prarie for my cousins wedding reception from thursday to sunday. (yikes)
And then up to edmonton for YC.
Seriously, i can feel my enthusaism draining.
I went from feeling great to feeling like shit in a few hours.
*sigh*

Ok so I'm thinking I have allergies or something... But who knows?
I'm excited to see if Connor really is going after my brother...
I would love a reason to hurt the bastard. So justin is going to lunch with me tomorrow.
I'm sure if I ask nicely the clowns will watch my back. I know tarl won't let a guy swing at me... But who knows?
I saw the blog is back... What he wrote worries Me... I hope it's from a song or something...
But off to bed now, sweet dreams and goodnight.

Hmm. So the blog is now gone. That sucks, I enjoyed being able to look inside your head. I don’t know why you got rid of it, because I noticed you still have your other ones there. Whatever. I am so tired. Drinking energy drinks at 9 o clock is not the brightest idea. But thanks for talking to me and keeping me company. It would have been nicer if you were in bed with me, my room was so cold… and guys always are so warm. But seriously though my life in is mortal fucking peril. Child and youth workers do not get rich. I have never wanted to be rich. But I do want a nice house, and a truck. Plus children. And just looking at 25 year mortgages on the salary I could be making in the early years, it is making my head hurt. There is no way I could afford it.

LEVEL 1 Probationary Youth Worker
EARNINGS $25,000 to $30,000 a year
REQUIREMENTS • Diploma or degree in child and youth care, social work, or psychology
• Some experience working with children or teenagers, whether part-time or volunteer
RESPONSIBILITIES Working directly with young people; doing paperwork such as keeping records and organizing referrals to other social programs.

LEVEL 2 Youth Worker
EARNINGS $25,000 to $45,000 a year
REQUIREMENTS • At least 1 year of experience
RESPONSIBILITIES Taking on more difficult counselling and treatment cases; doing more administrative work.

LEVEL 3 Program Manager
EARNINGS $40,000 to $55,000 a year
REQUIREMENTS • Bachelor’s or master’s degree in social work or a related field, such as psychology, sociology, or criminology
• Further administrative training
RESPONSIBILITIES Working with youth; supervising staff; overseeing programs; possibly writing applications for funding grants.

LEVEL 4 Executive Director
EARNINGS $50,000 to $65,000 a year
REQUIREMENTS • Several years as a program manager
RESPONSIBILITIES Supervising the program manager; doing administrative work; establishing program goals and policies.

See, now I have my education planned out. I am going to take a diploma course at Mount Royal, (Child and Youth Care Counsellor.) And that is a two-year course. And then since my school counselor told me that U-Vic had a really good program there. So then I can get my Undergraduate Degree in four years there. And maybe get a job at a hospital or something. And then depending on how that goes I can go back for either my Masters (1 – 3 years to complete) or my PhD (4 - 6 years to complete). But really I have no idea.
Like I suppose that if I got married then there would be more money to pay bills and such, and I wouldnt do my schooling all at once. I would get my bachelors degree then go to work for ten years then go back for more schooling. But yeah, I have a major headache so I am going to stop thinking of this for a while.

Awe

OK so me and him were discussing the greatest things in the world.
We agreed monkeys and babies and cheese were top three.
But we argued about the Fourth spot.
He think I'm the greatest, but i think he is.
So then i came up with a compromise, that we both were.
But then he said that my name should go first. And I replied with...
"Lol Rawr!
No way. You name does and im not budging on this one "

And so he said
"Well RAWR back..

Lies!!!! You're definatly the best Sam. Hands down, curtains closed. <3 <3"

So rather then argure I replied,
"Lol.
Hmm, you know what? I've never been one for conforming to lists anyways.
So I'm throwing it in a fish tank.
Like pft... who needs lists anyways?"

And then him, in all his sweetness said,
"Wow!!
xD Youre awesome hahahaha!!!!!!!

But you're right though, screw lists. Best, Greatest, Most.. They're all just labels.

You amaze me beyond a point where it can be summed up into a label. Its infinite. :love:


At which point i burst in to tears because he is just so amazing.
And so sweet.

I'll be just fine pretending everything is ok.

...



















Even though its not

Realist vs. Idealist... who wins? Nobody.

Ed sono realmente malato di essere vivo...

Ugh.
No cell phone.
Cant go ANYWHERE. Not even for a walk.
Really i think its all a conspircy to get rid of me once and for all.
And now im too old for foster care, and we no longer have a case worker because our contract was up a few months ago.
So i reeally need to get a job, in case they decide to throw me out.
Which wouldnt surprise me. Its what they are good at.
And seeing how its getting warmer, I can just expect it.
Last year they never threw me out (like trash) when it was cold.
Two weeks, end of April till Second week of May. May long weekend till July. Two weeks in August, Three in September.
So its almost that time of year again.
I really hoped they were past that.
But after freaking out about two minor things and they told me that I could be leaving.
Last year I wasnt in school and doing drugs.
So yeah.
And people wonder why I'm so fucking depressed.
That would be part of the reason.
But I guess its my fault for not taking the prozac they perscribed.
Then again it didnt help me.
But neither did the Apo-Fluvoxamine they had me on first.
It made me feel hollow. Like a shell of a person, with nothing inside.
No happiness, No sadness. Nothing.
So I would rather feel this pain.
The dread of waking up each morning.
At least for now.
When I want to feel nothing, i'll just go play in traffic or swallow a handfull of pills.
Because cutting sucks, I ruined my favorite jeans today.
Three perfect lines of blood soaked right through.
I guess they were deeper than i thought.

Fuck you.

Yes i fucking hate you.
Yes, i do hate how no matter what i do you still assume the worst.
Yes, you are being a fucking prick.
Yes, i want to fucking fight with you, but i dont want to go to jail.
Yes i just cut myself. Nice, deep, crimson. Release.
Yes im going for a walk. no you wont let me come bacl

James and Ryan;;

I totally love you guys.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you for loving my uncoordinated self.
Even when your playing hacky sac.
=)
I never feel out of place with you.

I <3 my smoke pit buddies.

So...

I skipped again.
I am so grounded.
But I just dont feel like doing anything.
At all.
Im just in my usual slump and i'll get over it eventually.
Except this doesnt feel normal for me.
Its equally as miserable but all i want to do is sleep.
Because my dreams are so much better than reality.
I hate being awake, I hate living, but im actually scared to die.
Because not knowing is the worst thing ever.
A friend told me not to fear death, because, pain, sadness, despair, thoughs are all human things. After you die, your inhuman. So pain doesnt exist.
But then neither does love.
So idk...

My life is like a sick comedy-drama where I'm the main character and everyone is giving me shit the whole time all the time. Always tearing me down. I keep watching because I still believe there is a chance that things can get better in my life. I wont change the channel, until im absolutely sure this isnt what I worth watching.

Wow

Just wow. His words are so sweet. Talking with him makes me happy. And its so cool becuase we just totally understand each other. But just the way he makes me feel like im somebody worth caring for is the greatest feeling in the world.

"I dont think I could ever not care about someone like you. As odd as that might sound. You're just really amazing, someone I think deserves to be happy and treated with love and care."

"You're amazing and you deserve nothing less than the best. They're just jealous that you're truely amazing, I dont think anyone could match that. So of course they're going to try and take it away from you. But I wont let them! lol, You are amazing!! Dont let anyone tell you otherwise. "

"Thats so beautiful =) You're a really interesting person xD Different, but in a good way. "

"Yes I do say different alot. I dont talk to normal people.
I guess i kinda use it to describe something when I dont really know what else to say. It means theres a quality in you that I havent seen before. That I think is really fucking beautiful. Pardon my languange, only intended on emphasis. xD "