Last night was kind of fun.
Even though I didnt go out with kyla,
I got to see Jessy and Caitrin and Tim.
<3
Happy face
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Ughh
Wow.
Another person in my school has commited suicide.
Two months ago it was a grade ten student.
This time it was a teacher.
Which is so sad, and heartbreaking.
But at the same time i wish i had enough balls to do it.
Im so sick of everything, and i dont think its worth it anymore.
I got kicked out of my freaking house again
after another massive huge fige with my dad.
I have this weird bruise on my arm from the jerk.
Besides just being sore.
Everything is so down hill right now.
The little bit of hope and faith i had is diminishing in front of my eyes.
I'm trying so hard to hold on,
when all i really want to do is let go.
I'm not sure of a lot of things.
And as i try to count up all the great things in my life
i notice that the list is small, and ever changing- always getting smaller.
I'm so close to giving up,
But i know i couldn't do it.
And its so infuriating!
And for everyone, or anyone reading this and feeling uneasy
trust me when i say i wont do it.
If i was going to i would have by now.
The first time i decided I was going to do it was
a massive fail.
Almot three years ago actually.
January 31st.
I didn't want to live to see my 13th birthday.
How sad is that?
Twelve years old and already fed up with living.
Yeah I've been seriously fucked up for a long time.
And I think think I'll grow a pair anytime soon.
But then again everything can change in the blink of an eye.
It would be nothing to step in front of that speeding car
Or cut a little too deep.
So i guess nothings really certain.
My issue at the moment revolves around love.
How can anyone love me when the people who birthed me and rasied me can't?
They dont love me.
Or support my goals and dreams.
And they could care less about how i feel.
Instead they tear me down and belittle my acomplishments.
How could I love myself?
Obviously I'm so terrible.
So worthless.
And If i dont love myself,
How can anyone else love me?
They can't.
Don't.
Adding to my misery.
Another person in my school has commited suicide.
Two months ago it was a grade ten student.
This time it was a teacher.
Which is so sad, and heartbreaking.
But at the same time i wish i had enough balls to do it.
Im so sick of everything, and i dont think its worth it anymore.
I got kicked out of my freaking house again
after another massive huge fige with my dad.
I have this weird bruise on my arm from the jerk.
Besides just being sore.
Everything is so down hill right now.
The little bit of hope and faith i had is diminishing in front of my eyes.
I'm trying so hard to hold on,
when all i really want to do is let go.
I'm not sure of a lot of things.
And as i try to count up all the great things in my life
i notice that the list is small, and ever changing- always getting smaller.
I'm so close to giving up,
But i know i couldn't do it.
And its so infuriating!
And for everyone, or anyone reading this and feeling uneasy
trust me when i say i wont do it.
If i was going to i would have by now.
The first time i decided I was going to do it was
a massive fail.
Almot three years ago actually.
January 31st.
I didn't want to live to see my 13th birthday.
How sad is that?
Twelve years old and already fed up with living.
Yeah I've been seriously fucked up for a long time.
And I think think I'll grow a pair anytime soon.
But then again everything can change in the blink of an eye.
It would be nothing to step in front of that speeding car
Or cut a little too deep.
So i guess nothings really certain.
My issue at the moment revolves around love.
How can anyone love me when the people who birthed me and rasied me can't?
They dont love me.
Or support my goals and dreams.
And they could care less about how i feel.
Instead they tear me down and belittle my acomplishments.
How could I love myself?
Obviously I'm so terrible.
So worthless.
And If i dont love myself,
How can anyone else love me?
They can't.
Don't.
Adding to my misery.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Time to go home.
Fake smile, check;
Fake stories about my day, check;
Real pain, hidden.
Real tears, hidden.
Real emotions, hidden.
Who I am, hidden.
...They wouldn't get it.
Lots of people don't, why would they?
Almost three years later and they still don't get it.
Don't you love depression?
I can't wait till they figure out what I'm up to. (Sarcasm)
Back to the hospital I'll go.
And this time I wont get out.
Fake stories about my day, check;
Real pain, hidden.
Real tears, hidden.
Real emotions, hidden.
Who I am, hidden.
...They wouldn't get it.
Lots of people don't, why would they?
Almost three years later and they still don't get it.
Don't you love depression?
I can't wait till they figure out what I'm up to. (Sarcasm)
Back to the hospital I'll go.
And this time I wont get out.
Paul Brandt I meant to do that. <3
A rose in a box, wrapped up in dreams
A card that explains how much your love means
A table for two with soft candlelight
The words "I love you," somewhere in the night
CHORUS:I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that
Late in the night, nothing to say
Maybe a call to talk anyway
A letter or two with some words that rhyme
To promise you love, for now and all time
CHORUS:I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that
Hold onto the love you gave until the end of time
And love you more every day, until you know that
CHORUS:I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that
A card that explains how much your love means
A table for two with soft candlelight
The words "I love you," somewhere in the night
CHORUS:I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that
Late in the night, nothing to say
Maybe a call to talk anyway
A letter or two with some words that rhyme
To promise you love, for now and all time
CHORUS:I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that
Hold onto the love you gave until the end of time
And love you more every day, until you know that
CHORUS:I meant to do that
Does that mean a thing
If you wanted songs
Then I meant to sing
I'd give you the world
If you'd give mine back
What I didn't do
I meant to do that
Wow.
I really did it.
I wasn't sure if I would or not,
I've been so strong.
But I felt the sweet release of metal on skin.
Everything grey turned blue.
Alive.
Thriving.
Blood to prove I am alive.
I'm so seriously screwed up.
Only two people really know.
Are involved enough to care.
Not in the shake-their-head-omg-your-so-stupid-why do-i-even-bother kinda way.
But in a way they understand, and even tolerate it.
Because everyone has their faults.
Everyone has bad habits.
And as long as I'm not cutting to end my life its fine.
And seeing how I'm not, its ok.
I don't want to die.
I want to feel alive.
And part of it is, i can take any and all physcial pain.
Emotional pain, I cant deal with.
So I try to out weigh one with another.
And I told someone about my eating habits,
or rather lack of.
It was kinda selfish, But I needed to tell someone.
And tonight I refuse to cry myself to sleep.
Its not an option.
And I'm so scared about this whole house thing.
I mean, I over heard my parents talking about the new house.
Well because of the recession, our house won't sell for much,
and the house we bought is so expensive.
We may end up screwing ourselves out of a place to live.
Lately I have been so stressed and overwhlemed with school.
I worked my ass off and I thought i was behind, But turns out I'm now ahead.
In every class.
Which is a shock, but now i can focus on exams.
But I feel like I'm losing touch with reality.
Like I'm speneding more time with books and music, and wandering around.
I really havent been talking to anyone much.
Not even my family.
I'm like always by my self now.
It no longer bothers me to be alone.
With the exception of when I wake up at two in the morning crying,
with my music playing sappy love songs.
Even as i write this i'm listening to "I want ot know what love is" by Foreigner.
But its fine.
Eventually I'll meet someone great.
Lmao, if kyla and jessica can so can I.
But that makes me wish i was older, seems every decent normal guy i meet is older.
Making me to young.
But whatever.
Did I mention, my uncle got married?
My Aunt has only been gone since July.
He met this girl 2 months ago.
I was pissed. And hurt.
Then he decided to go spend christmas with her in the states.
Again I was hurt.
And then yeah I find out they got married, on like the 27th or something.
Like WTF.
What worse is my parents are happy about it.
I'm still not over losing her, and hes already re-married.
I wasn't even that close to her.
And he was married to her for as long as i can remember!
Ugh.
Wow, and so seems like I'm just ranting, so I'll stop writing now.
I really did it.
I wasn't sure if I would or not,
I've been so strong.
But I felt the sweet release of metal on skin.
Everything grey turned blue.
Alive.
Thriving.
Blood to prove I am alive.
I'm so seriously screwed up.
Only two people really know.
Are involved enough to care.
Not in the shake-their-head-omg-your-so-stupid-why do-i-even-bother kinda way.
But in a way they understand, and even tolerate it.
Because everyone has their faults.
Everyone has bad habits.
And as long as I'm not cutting to end my life its fine.
And seeing how I'm not, its ok.
I don't want to die.
I want to feel alive.
And part of it is, i can take any and all physcial pain.
Emotional pain, I cant deal with.
So I try to out weigh one with another.
And I told someone about my eating habits,
or rather lack of.
It was kinda selfish, But I needed to tell someone.
And tonight I refuse to cry myself to sleep.
Its not an option.
And I'm so scared about this whole house thing.
I mean, I over heard my parents talking about the new house.
Well because of the recession, our house won't sell for much,
and the house we bought is so expensive.
We may end up screwing ourselves out of a place to live.
Lately I have been so stressed and overwhlemed with school.
I worked my ass off and I thought i was behind, But turns out I'm now ahead.
In every class.
Which is a shock, but now i can focus on exams.
But I feel like I'm losing touch with reality.
Like I'm speneding more time with books and music, and wandering around.
I really havent been talking to anyone much.
Not even my family.
I'm like always by my self now.
It no longer bothers me to be alone.
With the exception of when I wake up at two in the morning crying,
with my music playing sappy love songs.
Even as i write this i'm listening to "I want ot know what love is" by Foreigner.
But its fine.
Eventually I'll meet someone great.
Lmao, if kyla and jessica can so can I.
But that makes me wish i was older, seems every decent normal guy i meet is older.
Making me to young.
But whatever.
Did I mention, my uncle got married?
My Aunt has only been gone since July.
He met this girl 2 months ago.
I was pissed. And hurt.
Then he decided to go spend christmas with her in the states.
Again I was hurt.
And then yeah I find out they got married, on like the 27th or something.
Like WTF.
What worse is my parents are happy about it.
I'm still not over losing her, and hes already re-married.
I wasn't even that close to her.
And he was married to her for as long as i can remember!
Ugh.
Wow, and so seems like I'm just ranting, so I'll stop writing now.
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