Ughh

Wow.
Another person in my school has commited suicide.
Two months ago it was a grade ten student.
This time it was a teacher.
Which is so sad, and heartbreaking.
But at the same time i wish i had enough balls to do it.
Im so sick of everything, and i dont think its worth it anymore.
I got kicked out of my freaking house again
after another massive huge fige with my dad.
I have this weird bruise on my arm from the jerk.
Besides just being sore.
Everything is so down hill right now.
The little bit of hope and faith i had is diminishing in front of my eyes.
I'm trying so hard to hold on,
when all i really want to do is let go.
I'm not sure of a lot of things.
And as i try to count up all the great things in my life
i notice that the list is small, and ever changing- always getting smaller.
I'm so close to giving up,
But i know i couldn't do it.
And its so infuriating!
And for everyone, or anyone reading this and feeling uneasy
trust me when i say i wont do it.
If i was going to i would have by now.
The first time i decided I was going to do it was
a massive fail.
Almot three years ago actually.
January 31st.
I didn't want to live to see my 13th birthday.
How sad is that?
Twelve years old and already fed up with living.
Yeah I've been seriously fucked up for a long time.
And I think think I'll grow a pair anytime soon.
But then again everything can change in the blink of an eye.
It would be nothing to step in front of that speeding car
Or cut a little too deep.
So i guess nothings really certain.
My issue at the moment revolves around love.
How can anyone love me when the people who birthed me and rasied me can't?
They dont love me.
Or support my goals and dreams.
And they could care less about how i feel.
Instead they tear me down and belittle my acomplishments.
How could I love myself?
Obviously I'm so terrible.
So worthless.
And If i dont love myself,
How can anyone else love me?
They can't.
Don't.
Adding to my misery.