The World Around Me

Wow.
I really did it.
I wasn't sure if I would or not,
I've been so strong.
But I felt the sweet release of metal on skin.
Everything grey turned blue.
Alive.
Thriving.
Blood to prove I am alive.
I'm so seriously screwed up.
Only two people really know.
Are involved enough to care.
Not in the shake-their-head-omg-your-so-stupid-why do-i-even-bother kinda way.
But in a way they understand, and even tolerate it.
Because everyone has their faults.
Everyone has bad habits.
And as long as I'm not cutting to end my life its fine.
And seeing how I'm not, its ok.
I don't want to die.
I want to feel alive.
And part of it is, i can take any and all physcial pain.
Emotional pain, I cant deal with.
So I try to out weigh one with another.
And I told someone about my eating habits,
or rather lack of.
It was kinda selfish, But I needed to tell someone.
And tonight I refuse to cry myself to sleep.
Its not an option.
And I'm so scared about this whole house thing.
I mean, I over heard my parents talking about the new house.
Well because of the recession, our house won't sell for much,
and the house we bought is so expensive.
We may end up screwing ourselves out of a place to live.
Lately I have been so stressed and overwhlemed with school.
I worked my ass off and I thought i was behind, But turns out I'm now ahead.
In every class.
Which is a shock, but now i can focus on exams.
But I feel like I'm losing touch with reality.
Like I'm speneding more time with books and music, and wandering around.
I really havent been talking to anyone much.
Not even my family.
I'm like always by my self now.
It no longer bothers me to be alone.
With the exception of when I wake up at two in the morning crying,
with my music playing sappy love songs.
Even as i write this i'm listening to "I want ot know what love is" by Foreigner.
But its fine.
Eventually I'll meet someone great.
Lmao, if kyla and jessica can so can I.
But that makes me wish i was older, seems every decent normal guy i meet is older.
Making me to young.
But whatever.
Did I mention, my uncle got married?
My Aunt has only been gone since July.
He met this girl 2 months ago.
I was pissed. And hurt.
Then he decided to go spend christmas with her in the states.
Again I was hurt.
And then yeah I find out they got married, on like the 27th or something.
Like WTF.
What worse is my parents are happy about it.
I'm still not over losing her, and hes already re-married.
I wasn't even that close to her.
And he was married to her for as long as i can remember!
Ugh.
Wow, and so seems like I'm just ranting, so I'll stop writing now.