I’m sorry.

It’s never good to watch a movie when every twitch feels like an earthquake. It gets annoying to feel like everyone is staring at you. I thought I was going to drop the cup. I don’t remember much of anything I said. I was totally out of it on these stupid pills. (Don’t worry, not like actual drugs or anything.) That’s what you get for not eating before I took them. I now feel very annoyed, because I made him think I was mad at him. All while totally pissing him off, I remember how many times I heard that. Which is why I thought he had hung up on purpose. But he said he didn’t, so I believe him. But last night he hung up, and all I thought was like are you fucking serious right now? Like I was like, ok I hated when Connor hung up on me and it was instant pain, hurt, and anger. But then I clamed down. Realized I was being stupid. Thought about calling him back, and fell asleep crying instead. And then I woke up (Very late, I totally over-slept) And listened to all the messages he left, and I wanted to say ‘I’m not mad at you, I could never stay mad at you, I’m so sorry I didn’t call you back, i'm sorry I turned off my phone’. But I didn’t say that. I text Good morning sunshine instead. And then I went to do my hair, and he called, so I went and called him back. And he was still like half asleep so I don’t remember what he had said, it was all very quiet. Hopefully, I remembered to apologize. If not, Hun I am so sorry, for everything. I feel terrible; I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Not the only stupid thing I did yesterday. I bought a green shirt. With ruffles. What was I thinking? Green ruffles, on me, yeah right. I’m going to test it tomorrow. If James likes it, then it will be fine. Because he is always truthful. Which can get annoying, but I wish everyone were as truthful as he is. But yeah, There was this other shirt I totally thought was hot, but that was a bit slutty. Lol not like that has ever stopped me before. But yeah, it’s a cute halter, and it will be cool all summer. And some random thoughts, I want to go for a walk, The house is a mess, I am kinda hungry- but I’m not eating, My leg is super itchy, I hate this song I don’t even know why its on my ipod, I wish my hair would hurry up and grow I’m so fucking sick of having it short, I hope Kassee remembers were meeting up for lunch, I still have a fricken hour left of this class, its taking forever, Um I hope we have kraft dinner for supper. And I think I have to pee.

Today.
Take a deep breath.
Compliment yourself.
Know that everything happens for a reason.
And take something that could be bad, and let it roll right off your shoulders.
ENJOY LIFE!

Waah!
I can't get my tattoo at Fine Line.
Now I have to search to find somewhere that can do it.
*Ahem* What science homework? you must be crazy.

*Edit*
Impact Body art.
2PM Saturday

Me...Hiding under a rock.

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. (____)
. (________)
. (__________)
. (________)
~0-|-<

Well isnt that shitty.

*Warning: Bitch post. I had so much fun this past weekend, but there are still things gnawing at my heart. I can’t believe your doing drugs again. Like really, you have so much more to live for. You don’t need to be doing that, and I can’t even yell at you for being so stupid. And what really pisses me off, is you offered HER of all people, connections. She will not do drugs. And to think that she would is wow. You know her; you know she isn’t like that. But who knows. It’s like she’s not even herself anymore. She smokes now, and I feel responsible. I keep acting and pretending it doesn’t bother me but it does. Not just the smoking, but also the drinking. It scares me so much to know she enjoys drinking. And that she can’t wait to do it again. Drinking is not fun, I would know. (Falling off treadmill.) Because then on top of that is alcoholism. I’ve seen it destroy people. I will kick her ass before I ever let that happen. Part of me understands, but part of me doesn’t. Honestly, I know how her parents are, and I know how mine can be. It still isn’t an excuse for bad habits. I know that bad habits are not the way to deal with it. So why do I do them? Because it’s what is expected of me. People expect to see me smoking, or drinking. They expect me to say yes to everything my heart cries no too. Yes(no) I will sleep with you. Yes(no) I want to steal a car. Yes(no) I’ll go smoke a joint. Yes(no) I will help you steal. I can’t say no, and when I do, I feel guilty. I have been through a lot and have lost a lot of friends, so I try to do whatever I can to keep the ones I have. Even if it means not standing up for what I believe in. Whatever about me, back to her. She needs to smarten up before its too late. What’s worse is I can’t do anything, it has to be something she wants or she won’t change. And then there is him. I don’t know what it is between us, but there is just something great about you. Unfortunately you will never be mine. But while we are watching movies, cuddled up, listening to your heartbeat (which proves you do have a heart) it almost seems like we could be. Even when we argue and yell, it seems normal. I don’t know what you think or feel about me, but there are days I think you just say you care, its about as bad as the lines you feed me. The lines I take, like they don’t even taste bad. Like they mean more than what is on the surface. Regardless, I cant do anything to change any of the above because it is all out of my hands. And that bites. So now I get to go home and add another notch in my skin, to prove yet again how weak I am. Yay me.

Chocolate Sauce (Rated R)

I tie the blindfold around your head,
Your hands are tied to the posts of the bed,
Your shirt is off,
So is mine,
And your pants will come next,
Just give me some time.

You can see nothing,
But you can hear my deep breaths,
You relax with the sounds,
As my fingers run down your chest.

Small, light kisses along your lips,
Down your jaw line,
Your fingertips,
I gently suck on each lonely one,
Tonight is all about you having fun,
I brush my mouth across your lips,
My hands skimming gently over your hips,
You feel my warm breath in your ear,
Saying I love you so much, my dear,
I catch your ear lobe between my teeth,
A slight tickling throb,
And you start to speak.

I bring my middle finger up to your lips,
Pressing against them with just the tip,
“Sshhhh,” I whisper,
And I guide it inside,
Between your soft lips,
As I let out long, deep, sighs.

I draw it back out and kiss down your neck,
Your collarbone, your chest,
Wanting to taste our salted sweat,
But I have to wait,
And take my time,
Let the tension slowly climb.

You feel my movements,
And your dick, it aches,
It wants my warm tongue,
To taste its taste,
My pussy’s hot too,
And I want you to know,
So I take your hand down,
To feel the wetness below.

“See how much I want you?”
I softly say,
“I need your big cock inside me,
All the way.
Come on, lover, I know you want,
I want too,
But tonight I get to taunt.”

I begin to slide down your pants,
You raise your hips,
So I can glide them off,
With my fingertips,
I climb over you,
You feel my hot pussy against your strong abs,
I lean forward to kiss you,
You want to put your hands on my ass,
You can’t touch me though,
No matter how you try,
Your hands are tied,
You’re my prisoner tonight.

My kiss is sweet,
And you lick my lips,
Chocolate sauce you find,
And you suck it and sip.

Once you licked my lips clean,
My tongue joins yours,
You glide it inside my mouth,
And intensely explore.
I withdraw from you,
And put more chocolate on my lips,
Kissing you again,
All the way down to your dick.

I reach for some oil,
Warm it between my hands,
They creep towards your cock,
Giving the attention it demands,
You feel my soft touch,
You want more,
But the longer I tease you,
The more hardcore.

I want to drive you wild,
Make you need me,
So you’ll fuck me hard,
Make me scream,
Head to toe,
First soft and slow,
But fast and deep,
Letting our juices run and seep.

I bring you to my lips,
You feel my tongue,
Play with your crown,
Until you cum,
I swallow you all,
Creamy and warm,
Wanting all of you,
More, I perform.

I undo your blindfold,
But leave your hands,
As I lick off chocolate kiss marks,
And stroke your body with my hands.
I sit on the end,
Of our bed,
I want to fuck you,
But tease you instead.

I bring two fingers to my mouth,
My hands rub on my breasts and proceed to go south,
You watch me softly rub my clit,
Hear your moans,
And bite my lip,

I push a finger inside of me,
I imagine it’s your cock,
And you watch me play,
You’re hard as a rock.

Finally I can’t take it anymore,
I know your suffering,
So I bring your big dick to my door,
I rub against my clit,
With your head,
And deep inside of me,
Is where you, I led.

I grind on you slow,
Back and forth,
Up and down,
From south to north,
You want to touch me,
See my beautiful breasts,
Yearn to taste my nipples,
And feel my chest,

You watch your cock go inside,
And then back out,
You’re so hot and ready,
To fuck me until I shout,
You beg me to untie your hands,
So finally I do,
And pulling me close is the first thing you do,
You press my body against yours,
Feeling my skin,
Soft and warm.

“Get on your knees,”
Is your command,
I had my fun,
So I heed your demand,
I bend on over,
Showing you my ass,
You eat me out from behind,
And give it a smack,

“Come on baby, fuck me”
I tell you out loud
“Fuck me hard,
You’re more than allowed,”
You make me wait,
Its pay back time,
I need you inside,
So I beg one more time,
“Bang me like you mean it,
My tight little pussy’s all yours,
Get in there baby,
Inside my door.”

You grab my hips,
And thrust inside,
You hear my groan,
And begin to ride,
You have me screaming,
For more and more,
Hard and rough,
That’s what I'm for.

We both cum,
We kiss and cuddle,
Get into bed and softly snuggle,
Fall asleep in your arms,
While I hear you whisper loving charms,
And in the morning when we wake,
We’ll be at it again, the bed will shake.

I wish I knew

I wish I knew what to do from here.
I wish I could just understand.
I wish I could be half normal.
I wish I wasn't so afrid to just say yes sometimes.
I wish I wasn't so afriad that I won't ever live up to my potentital.
Which is weird because I can still hear one of my fourth grade teachers telling me I was one of her low potential students.
Along with my friend Megan, and look where she is now.
Dropped out coke head, like her mother.
And you should have seen her.
Shes absolutley stunning.
And she was so talented, a born leader, who even at age 9 had the abilitiy to draw better than most people three times her age.
All of it thrown away.
I am so confused about life, and love.
I'm sure someday down the road, it will make sense.
But for right now, I think I need to climb under a rock.