So I am yet again sitting here swiftly kicking myself for getting up so early. My parents are fucking ecstatic that not only am I going to school, I’m getting here early. Like FAIL. I was up late thinking about stuff. I’m not sure if I liked it all. It was very confusing. There were all these random muddled thoughts. Of him, him, her, him, her, him. (Really specific, I know[Yes their names are in here, because anyone who knows me knows who I am talking about]) And yeah I just really felt crushed. Like there was this huge weight on me. It wasn’t good. But then I realized the decisions I made were based on behaviors of others. Last year, 6 months ago, one month ago. Up until the present. And I don’t regret anything so far. Well except maybe not being with Kyla more. I really wish I were still in her life as much as I used to be. Fuck I still remember walking to her house in nothing but shorts and tank top. My diary clutched close to my chest. I remember your mom asking where the hell my shoes were. And after you gave me some pants and a hoodie, and some shoes we went and walked around Elliston park. I remember eating cupcakes in the alley, the icing was too sweet so we scraped it off. Colorful gobs of icing all over the alley. Nearly getting hit by a police car. Drunken videos on the computer. Bringing booze to track day. Walking from Lloyds to the petro and getting this guy who like appeared from nowhere to buy us smokes. I remember social classes filled with carrots, water, asking Mr. K if cowboys were hotter than hockey players, throwing half a burnt Tylenol across the room. And then you and I, getting him and him and sneaking them in. It was raining and cold. And we tried sneaking out to meet them but we got caught, but we still snuck them in. And it was a great night. Even if he had a high heel in the back of his head, you know he enjoyed it. I always had much fun camping with them. I remember kissing Jeff under the stars at the amphitheater. And Ryan riding down the back stairs and biffed it on a tree root at the bottom. I don’t see any of you three anymore. Not often anyways. I remember how tight we used to be. Laynie your great, I am so happy to have met you. And thank you Kerry for knowing him. And being at the pool. I enjoy every minute in your arms. I feel like I never want to leave. I have a feeling this is going to last. Which is pretty great. I’m happy about it. *Sigh* And then you two. Tim, I wish I were what you were looking for. I wish I were good enough for you. And I am so sorry for everything, you probably hate me. Oh of course you might not admit it to me, but I’m pretty sure you hate me. I had so much fun with you. All the time. You always knew how to make me smile even when I didn’t want to. I don’t know why you put up with me half the time. I’m sorry I wanted something you weren’t ready to give. It’s ok; its just another sign to prove this wasn’t the right time for us. Maybe someday, maybe not. But I think we played a necessary part of each other’s lives. I hope we stay besties <3. Jess, I don’t know why you are acting like this. I really just don’t get it. I don’t understand how something so little could change something that has been so permanent for so long. I keep hoping and praying you’ll get over it. But quite frankly, and no offense, grow up. You just met him for like an hour and you get pissed at me? Because he and I talked? Hung out. He goes to my school. It was just right between us. So whatever. I’m sorry but no. In my opinion you need to get over it. Besides you have so many guys you are “into” at the moment. It sickens me. Sometimes I tell you I “like” Someone just so I can pretend to have conflicting emotions. I really have a one-track mind. When I like someone, they are my every thought. Not, but I like him too, oh and don’t forget I like him as well. Sorry, but no.
Well yeah. I don’t know why I started ranting.
But if you’re still reading, thank you.
If not then whatever, go fuck yourself.
I’m no longer in a pleasant mood.
Wow that’s great.
Ugh.
I really don’t know if YC is a good idea anymore, not with Tim and Jess being all…indescribably different.
And Caitrin’s not going. So I have no idea whats going to happen with that. Like at all.
#*%^@#$^%^&*(&*(()*&^$%#$@#$$#@##@$%#$%#$%@#%$#% ^$%^ %$^ $%^%%$@$ #@$%%$&^%#%$$^%#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment