So I've managed to get myself into a real mess.
There's this guy, (isn't there always?) and we have kinda started something.
I like him. But I'm not used to normal guys, and he's 21. The age doesnt bother me , it doesn't change who he is.
But he's a grown up. I feel so young in comparison. He's probably a he'll of a lot more experienced and knowledgable than I am in a lot of different areas. I don't know how to react to that. I feel inexperienced and lame with guys my own age, let alone his.
& he's best friends with my younger brother. & they both work at lloyds where I happen to enjoy hanging out. So idk.
I'm probably all freaked out for nothing, but still.
I have been so afraid to trust anyone since kolby, and I push people away.
Maybe that's what this is, I'm panicked because I can feel myself liking this guy.
Who knows.
What I do know is I'm spending Friday night home alone becuase everyone bailed on me and what I really wanted was to just go and see him.
:(
Friday, November 5, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Once again I need a new journal, this is my alternative
Lifes a circle.
The good and the bad. It's an everyday battle.
Things are good, then bad, then good again.
But good is only a realitive term.
Something that sucks less than something else can be called good.
There is so much going on right now. And every last bit of it sucks.
Everytime I see a gilmmer of hope, it occurs to me that it's still not good.
I feel so fake and manipulative.
I'm pretending to be something I'm not, and it shows.
I can't keep up.
I thought I was ahead, but when I look I'm still behind.
There is so much death and sadness and struggle and anger in my life right now,
bombarding me from all sides.
Two people close to me have lost someone the love.
My own grandfather is lying in his deathbed, and so is the grandfather of someone I hold especially dear to my heart.
My parents are fighting, becuase my dad lost his job.
Soon we'll lose the car, then the house. And then what?
It a crappy way, it's kinda my fault.
My fault we moved anyway. And if we hadn't, everything would be so much easier.
And maybe I'd have a life again, real friends again.
Living here is like exile.
Completely cut off from everything.
I need to make changes.
Starting with getting on some medication.
I hated it, but maybe I'd feel a little more balenced.
I just wish, that I didn't feel nothing.
I feel like I really don't care about anyone around me.
The few people I always will care about, aren't there.
It's just all pilling up.
And if it keeps going at this rate, I'm going to break.
And if I do a lot of people are going to be very hurt.
The good and the bad. It's an everyday battle.
Things are good, then bad, then good again.
But good is only a realitive term.
Something that sucks less than something else can be called good.
There is so much going on right now. And every last bit of it sucks.
Everytime I see a gilmmer of hope, it occurs to me that it's still not good.
I feel so fake and manipulative.
I'm pretending to be something I'm not, and it shows.
I can't keep up.
I thought I was ahead, but when I look I'm still behind.
There is so much death and sadness and struggle and anger in my life right now,
bombarding me from all sides.
Two people close to me have lost someone the love.
My own grandfather is lying in his deathbed, and so is the grandfather of someone I hold especially dear to my heart.
My parents are fighting, becuase my dad lost his job.
Soon we'll lose the car, then the house. And then what?
It a crappy way, it's kinda my fault.
My fault we moved anyway. And if we hadn't, everything would be so much easier.
And maybe I'd have a life again, real friends again.
Living here is like exile.
Completely cut off from everything.
I need to make changes.
Starting with getting on some medication.
I hated it, but maybe I'd feel a little more balenced.
I just wish, that I didn't feel nothing.
I feel like I really don't care about anyone around me.
The few people I always will care about, aren't there.
It's just all pilling up.
And if it keeps going at this rate, I'm going to break.
And if I do a lot of people are going to be very hurt.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
So until i get my new journal im gunna use this
This last year has been amazing.
up and downs.
i lot of things i didnt write down, but these memories will last forever.
and i have pics from the most memorable nights.
and then there was the water gun fights and student teacher hockey games
Today was n ok day.
i didnt really do much. but thats ok
my parents are pissed i didnt do my diploma, but whatever, it will all get done eventually
i love brooks and dunn
ugh im listening to this crappy song my bf decided to show me.
it sucks
and hes a total cheesy player type and he thinks i cant see through his bull shit.
i dont even think he realizes hes so full of shit.
its a tradgey
but i wont fall for it
or him for that matter
this is no -true love- b.s
ugh guys are over rated
This last year has been amazing.
up and downs.
i lot of things i didnt write down, but these memories will last forever.
and i have pics from the most memorable nights.
and then there was the water gun fights and student teacher hockey games
Today was n ok day.
i didnt really do much. but thats ok
my parents are pissed i didnt do my diploma, but whatever, it will all get done eventually
i love brooks and dunn
ugh im listening to this crappy song my bf decided to show me.
it sucks
and hes a total cheesy player type and he thinks i cant see through his bull shit.
i dont even think he realizes hes so full of shit.
its a tradgey
but i wont fall for it
or him for that matter
this is no -true love- b.s
ugh guys are over rated
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Shit.
With so much crap in my life right now i dont even know what way is up anymore.
I am having so many problems with everything its not even funny.
OK so my bf of 10 months broke upp with me (Kolby), then the next day asked me
to take him back, then broke up with me again that night. Likle seriously hat the hell.
I dont even know why he would mess with me like that.
And his "best friend" is hitting on me (Jesse ross), the day of both break ups. And he doesnt even try to hide it. I hate this kid, even as a friend. And this
morning he came early, (becuase i am always here by six thirty) to hang
out with me. He gave me a pack of smokes and doesnt even get the hint
to go away. so while im all pissy about my loser ex (Kolby, even though i love him so much, i cant stand what he is doing to me) playing with my
heart he (jesse) is trying to pick up the pieces and im going to kick his ass.
all of our mutual smoke pit friends (Austin, James and Cole) think he is pathetic and saved me from him this morning. but he doesnt seem to get the hint. and it is just soooo
annoying. what the hell am i suppossed to do?
I dont even know.
And i dont want a new boyfriend. Because part of me still wants to be with kolby.
But he really is turning into an ass.
And it sucks because i am in love with him.
He is my first true love. and i am going to spend my life comparing every other guy to him.
And now i have spare and so does jesse and im going to be stuck hanging out with him, and its all so lame.
but i am hgoing to reconnect with all my friends and rediscover the fire that makes me who i am because i became so docil with kolby and have no fight or fire and put up with everything he dished out.
well to hell with that. im not the victim of a break up i am breaking free from it and im going to spend spring break with all my amazing friends, (Ashley Tat Austin James Ashley Ryan Deziree and maybe if the jerk is lucky Kolby, who by the way broke four bones in his foot and is on crutches and going to get fat. muahahahahahaha.)
I am having so many problems with everything its not even funny.
OK so my bf of 10 months broke upp with me (Kolby), then the next day asked me
to take him back, then broke up with me again that night. Likle seriously hat the hell.
I dont even know why he would mess with me like that.
And his "best friend" is hitting on me (Jesse ross), the day of both break ups. And he doesnt even try to hide it. I hate this kid, even as a friend. And this
morning he came early, (becuase i am always here by six thirty) to hang
out with me. He gave me a pack of smokes and doesnt even get the hint
to go away. so while im all pissy about my loser ex (Kolby, even though i love him so much, i cant stand what he is doing to me) playing with my
heart he (jesse) is trying to pick up the pieces and im going to kick his ass.
all of our mutual smoke pit friends (Austin, James and Cole) think he is pathetic and saved me from him this morning. but he doesnt seem to get the hint. and it is just soooo
annoying. what the hell am i suppossed to do?
I dont even know.
And i dont want a new boyfriend. Because part of me still wants to be with kolby.
But he really is turning into an ass.
And it sucks because i am in love with him.
He is my first true love. and i am going to spend my life comparing every other guy to him.
And now i have spare and so does jesse and im going to be stuck hanging out with him, and its all so lame.
but i am hgoing to reconnect with all my friends and rediscover the fire that makes me who i am because i became so docil with kolby and have no fight or fire and put up with everything he dished out.
well to hell with that. im not the victim of a break up i am breaking free from it and im going to spend spring break with all my amazing friends, (Ashley Tat Austin James Ashley Ryan Deziree and maybe if the jerk is lucky Kolby, who by the way broke four bones in his foot and is on crutches and going to get fat. muahahahahahaha.)
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Sooo... I've been busy.
I am really loving this snow... not.
I hate it so much.
And as a smoker who is always outside freezing her tush off with all her smoker friends,i would know how cold it is.
At least i have kolby to keep me warm.
=)
Aww it was cute he wrote me a poem today.
It talked about the moment we had in between the cars when we first started to talk, and almost kissed, but then a friend came and ruined the moment. Funny now, not so much then. And it mentioned the nights we spent together camping and when we laid under the stars at the summit.
It was the sweetest thing ever.
Coming up to seven months now.
SEVEN!
I cant even believe it.
And really i dont see us ending anytime soon.
We are lovers, but bestest friends too.
I love him.
And work has been good-ish.
But i have had so much fun with ashley kolby and tat lately.
A great group of friends.
I hate it so much.
And as a smoker who is always outside freezing her tush off with all her smoker friends,i would know how cold it is.
At least i have kolby to keep me warm.
=)
Aww it was cute he wrote me a poem today.
It talked about the moment we had in between the cars when we first started to talk, and almost kissed, but then a friend came and ruined the moment. Funny now, not so much then. And it mentioned the nights we spent together camping and when we laid under the stars at the summit.
It was the sweetest thing ever.
Coming up to seven months now.
SEVEN!
I cant even believe it.
And really i dont see us ending anytime soon.
We are lovers, but bestest friends too.
I love him.
And work has been good-ish.
But i have had so much fun with ashley kolby and tat lately.
A great group of friends.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Oh my effin gee.
Today = no words can describe.
But wow, really. i spent all day with kolby, and mary jane.
What a day. We should do that more.
But wow, really. i spent all day with kolby, and mary jane.
What a day. We should do that more.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sooo.....
Well this is going to be an interesting blog. Due to conflicting content. Lets start with Church.
Christian City Church is the best. I love the environment. I love what the Pastors have to say, and how they say it. (Pastor Bill, and Pastor Eric)
The youth events are a lot of fun. Even though I only went to youth last Friday. It was a mix of games, worship, and prayer. It was very moving. I really felt something. The youth there are great, so normal. I don't feel judged there at all.
Its fantastic. And I'm going on week 5 this weekend. I really am looking forward to it.
So yeah i might have a job. Sportchek at sunridge. I really hope i get it!
I need insurance money. lol.
I feel so great right now. I had the best day with kolby.
It both started great and ended great.
I had the surprising Revelation that i am truly in love with him.
crazy.
Christian City Church is the best. I love the environment. I love what the Pastors have to say, and how they say it. (Pastor Bill, and Pastor Eric)
The youth events are a lot of fun. Even though I only went to youth last Friday. It was a mix of games, worship, and prayer. It was very moving. I really felt something. The youth there are great, so normal. I don't feel judged there at all.
Its fantastic. And I'm going on week 5 this weekend. I really am looking forward to it.
So yeah i might have a job. Sportchek at sunridge. I really hope i get it!
I need insurance money. lol.
I feel so great right now. I had the best day with kolby.
It both started great and ended great.
I had the surprising Revelation that i am truly in love with him.
crazy.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Big pat on the back
So i am actually keeping up with my school work, which is awesome.
I just got home from a job interview i think i did excellent on.
Me and Kolby are happy together, almost four months. =)
I actually feel ok.
=)
I just got home from a job interview i think i did excellent on.
Me and Kolby are happy together, almost four months. =)
I actually feel ok.
=)
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Im a red head.
And my moms pissed,
I have to go to school tomorrow.
And after seening him i cant stop thinking of him.
Sorry.
I have to go to school tomorrow.
And after seening him i cant stop thinking of him.
Sorry.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Soo...
Long time since i have posted anything important, (to me).
I have been so busy working my ass off. Im going to start looking for a real part time job soon, insted of this come in if we need you kinda job. I hate inventory.
But im making good money. And Me and my dad are going to look at a car tomorrow night. Hopefully its decent.
Ugh, so kolby leaves in 12 days (sadface), and he is gone until the 16th, and i leave on the 14h for like a week(ish). So im gonig to reallllly miss him. Hopefully i can talk to my parent and we can make a trip in to pick him up. But who knows. (Two months and Five days strong :)heart:)
Im so scared of moving.
I mean i love the new house. Its going to be perfect. But still.
Whatever. I dont know.
I miss jess, i hope shes having fun in B.c. I miss her so much.
And she wont be here to say good bye.
But i guess living with her and her fam for a couple weeks will make up for it =)
I cant wait for that.
I have been so busy working my ass off. Im going to start looking for a real part time job soon, insted of this come in if we need you kinda job. I hate inventory.
But im making good money. And Me and my dad are going to look at a car tomorrow night. Hopefully its decent.
Ugh, so kolby leaves in 12 days (sadface), and he is gone until the 16th, and i leave on the 14h for like a week(ish). So im gonig to reallllly miss him. Hopefully i can talk to my parent and we can make a trip in to pick him up. But who knows. (Two months and Five days strong :)heart:)
Im so scared of moving.
I mean i love the new house. Its going to be perfect. But still.
Whatever. I dont know.
I miss jess, i hope shes having fun in B.c. I miss her so much.
And she wont be here to say good bye.
But i guess living with her and her fam for a couple weeks will make up for it =)
I cant wait for that.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Yay!
I finally got a new camera to replace the one i broke.
Its pink (gag), but it matches my phone so whatever.
But it has everything i need, so its all good.
Its pink (gag), but it matches my phone so whatever.
But it has everything i need, so its all good.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Bridesmaid dresses
Dessy Bridesmaid Style 2506
Tea-length strapless dress has matte satin bodice and full shirred skirt in chiffon. The sash is made of matte satin and can match or contrast with the main dress color. Sizes available 0-28, and 0-28 extra length. Optional spaghetti straps are included
Dress Colors Available: cornflower
Sash Colors Available: arctic
Dress idea 2
Monroe Wedding Gown
This striking chiffon gown catches the eye with its glistening glass cut beads and sequins. It is shown in white and comes with a matching wrap and purse. Be sure to look at the matching bolero jacket.
more pictures
http://www.bridalonlinestore.com/Collection/product-page.asp?q=Wedding+Dress&SKU=Monroe&i=5543362889#Page_1
Dress ideas
Dominique Wedding Gown
This exquisite gown is made from matte duchess bridal satin with an organza overlay and a starburst of clear cut glass crystals. It adds a special touch for your special day. Shown in Ivory, also available in White. (Strapless, lace up back, not really poofy!!!)
http://www.bridalonlinestore.com/collection/product-page.asp?SKU=Dominique
Hmm....(Wedding series)
Glenmore Inn & Convention Centre
The Glenmore Inn can provide an all-inclusive wedding
package, which includes:
• Ceremony area
• Elegant reception room
• Experienced fine dining staff
• Fruit and alcoholic punch on arrival
• A Choice of one of our elegant meals
• Wine service with dinner
• Continuous coffee and tea service
• Complimentary bar service 9:00pm-1:00am
• Disc Jockey 9:00pm-1:00am
• Accommodation for the couple including sparkling
wine and complimentary continental breakfast
• Gift for the couple
• Centerpiece for tables
• All service Charges
The Glenmore Inn can provide an all-inclusive wedding
package, which includes:
• Ceremony area
• Elegant reception room
• Experienced fine dining staff
• Fruit and alcoholic punch on arrival
• A Choice of one of our elegant meals
• Wine service with dinner
• Continuous coffee and tea service
• Complimentary bar service 9:00pm-1:00am
• Disc Jockey 9:00pm-1:00am
• Accommodation for the couple including sparkling
wine and complimentary continental breakfast
• Gift for the couple
• Centerpiece for tables
• All service Charges
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Ready? Set? GO!
Today Kolby came with me and my mom to visit my grandparents down in Nanton. It was fun.
Tomorrow Me, Jess, Kolby and Kyla are all going to sneek a peek.
Kolby is coming over around 4:30. Picking Kyla up at 5, hopefully her grandma is ok (she has another raidiation treatment at 3:10) And then Jess is coming over 5:30-6ish.
It will be fun.
Then Kyla is spending the night, (man we need to catch up...her and ryan broke up...after she beat the shit out of him, left him crying in an alley and keyed his car, adding "bitch" to the hood of it, now i just need to know why...)
Then its up early for the parade, me kyla and jess all going down for that. ( i really need smokes for all this...)
Chill all afternoon.
Consider going to youth... ( i dont like going anymore. Its just weird, HATE meeting new people, i never exactly mesh well....sorry westborne peeps)
Saturday its up early again to go volunteer at the abbydale stampede breakie.
Me and jess are chilling with the little'uns, tattoos and (maybe) face painting(?)
Hanging with Jess, Kolby Joey, Robert and Jorge.
Getting up for church. Hanging with Kolby and (maybe) Jess.
Getting up early, me and Jess going to stampede.
Kolby meeting us there later.
Robert or Jesse Ross meeting up with us (subject to change)
Rides all day.
Simple plan, chuckwagons, SLINGSHOT!
Fireworks.
Bed.
Sleeping for the next three days to catch up on lost sleep =)
I cant fricken wait!!!!!
Tomorrow Me, Jess, Kolby and Kyla are all going to sneek a peek.
Kolby is coming over around 4:30. Picking Kyla up at 5, hopefully her grandma is ok (she has another raidiation treatment at 3:10) And then Jess is coming over 5:30-6ish.
It will be fun.
Then Kyla is spending the night, (man we need to catch up...her and ryan broke up...after she beat the shit out of him, left him crying in an alley and keyed his car, adding "bitch" to the hood of it, now i just need to know why...)
Then its up early for the parade, me kyla and jess all going down for that. ( i really need smokes for all this...)
Chill all afternoon.
Consider going to youth... ( i dont like going anymore. Its just weird, HATE meeting new people, i never exactly mesh well....sorry westborne peeps)
Saturday its up early again to go volunteer at the abbydale stampede breakie.
Me and jess are chilling with the little'uns, tattoos and (maybe) face painting(?)
Hanging with Jess, Kolby Joey, Robert and Jorge.
Getting up for church. Hanging with Kolby and (maybe) Jess.
Getting up early, me and Jess going to stampede.
Kolby meeting us there later.
Robert or Jesse Ross meeting up with us (subject to change)
Rides all day.
Simple plan, chuckwagons, SLINGSHOT!
Fireworks.
Bed.
Sleeping for the next three days to catch up on lost sleep =)
I cant fricken wait!!!!!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
There's a good reason these tables are numbered Honey, you just haven't thought of it yet
So i have discovered how lonely i feel.
I miss being at school with everyone.
I miss going to youth.
Despite Kolby and Jessica, Jesse, Jared, and Kyla, i feel lonely.
It sucks.
And i feel like I'm always busy.
Packing to move (our house is FINALLY sold), working, hanging out, volunteering, and stampede.
It is just all so crazy.
Now i'm looking for a car and planning to take a drivers course, so i can get my licence.
Ughh.
If anyone wants to just save me for a day and just chill that would be nice.
But everyone else so so busy too, that i dont really ever except it to happen.
FML.
I miss being at school with everyone.
I miss going to youth.
Despite Kolby and Jessica, Jesse, Jared, and Kyla, i feel lonely.
It sucks.
And i feel like I'm always busy.
Packing to move (our house is FINALLY sold), working, hanging out, volunteering, and stampede.
It is just all so crazy.
Now i'm looking for a car and planning to take a drivers course, so i can get my licence.
Ughh.
If anyone wants to just save me for a day and just chill that would be nice.
But everyone else so so busy too, that i dont really ever except it to happen.
FML.
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