So I've managed to get myself into a real mess.
There's this guy, (isn't there always?) and we have kinda started something.
I like him. But I'm not used to normal guys, and he's 21. The age doesnt bother me , it doesn't change who he is.
But he's a grown up. I feel so young in comparison. He's probably a he'll of a lot more experienced and knowledgable than I am in a lot of different areas. I don't know how to react to that. I feel inexperienced and lame with guys my own age, let alone his.
& he's best friends with my younger brother. & they both work at lloyds where I happen to enjoy hanging out. So idk.
I'm probably all freaked out for nothing, but still.
I have been so afraid to trust anyone since kolby, and I push people away.
Maybe that's what this is, I'm panicked because I can feel myself liking this guy.
Who knows.
What I do know is I'm spending Friday night home alone becuase everyone bailed on me and what I really wanted was to just go and see him.
:(

Once again I need a new journal, this is my alternative

Lifes a circle.
The good and the bad. It's an everyday battle.
Things are good, then bad, then good again.
But good is only a realitive term.
Something that sucks less than something else can be called good.
There is so much going on right now. And every last bit of it sucks.
Everytime I see a gilmmer of hope, it occurs to me that it's still not good.
I feel so fake and manipulative.
I'm pretending to be something I'm not, and it shows.
I can't keep up.
I thought I was ahead, but when I look I'm still behind.
There is so much death and sadness and struggle and anger in my life right now,
bombarding me from all sides.
Two people close to me have lost someone the love.
My own grandfather is lying in his deathbed, and so is the grandfather of someone I hold especially dear to my heart.
My parents are fighting, becuase my dad lost his job.
Soon we'll lose the car, then the house. And then what?
It a crappy way, it's kinda my fault.
My fault we moved anyway. And if we hadn't, everything would be so much easier.
And maybe I'd have a life again, real friends again.
Living here is like exile.
Completely cut off from everything.
I need to make changes.
Starting with getting on some medication.
I hated it, but maybe I'd feel a little more balenced.
I just wish, that I didn't feel nothing.
I feel like I really don't care about anyone around me.
The few people I always will care about, aren't there.
It's just all pilling up.
And if it keeps going at this rate, I'm going to break.
And if I do a lot of people are going to be very hurt.

So until i get my new journal im gunna use this
This last year has been amazing.
up and downs.
i lot of things i didnt write down, but these memories will last forever.
and i have pics from the most memorable nights.
and then there was the water gun fights and student teacher hockey games
Today was n ok day.
i didnt really do much. but thats ok
my parents are pissed i didnt do my diploma, but whatever, it will all get done eventually
i love brooks and dunn
ugh im listening to this crappy song my bf decided to show me.
it sucks
and hes a total cheesy player type and he thinks i cant see through his bull shit.
i dont even think he realizes hes so full of shit.
its a tradgey
but i wont fall for it
or him for that matter
this is no -true love- b.s
ugh guys are over rated

Shit.

With so much crap in my life right now i dont even know what way is up anymore.
I am having so many problems with everything its not even funny.
OK so my bf of 10 months broke upp with me (Kolby), then the next day asked me
to take him back, then broke up with me again that night. Likle seriously hat the hell.
I dont even know why he would mess with me like that.
And his "best friend" is hitting on me (Jesse ross), the day of both break ups. And he doesnt even try to hide it. I hate this kid, even as a friend. And this
morning he came early, (becuase i am always here by six thirty) to hang
out with me. He gave me a pack of smokes and doesnt even get the hint
to go away. so while im all pissy about my loser ex (Kolby, even though i love him so much, i cant stand what he is doing to me) playing with my
heart he (jesse) is trying to pick up the pieces and im going to kick his ass.
all of our mutual smoke pit friends (Austin, James and Cole) think he is pathetic and saved me from him this morning. but he doesnt seem to get the hint. and it is just soooo
annoying. what the hell am i suppossed to do?
I dont even know.
And i dont want a new boyfriend. Because part of me still wants to be with kolby.
But he really is turning into an ass.
And it sucks because i am in love with him.
He is my first true love. and i am going to spend my life comparing every other guy to him.
And now i have spare and so does jesse and im going to be stuck hanging out with him, and its all so lame.
but i am hgoing to reconnect with all my friends and rediscover the fire that makes me who i am because i became so docil with kolby and have no fight or fire and put up with everything he dished out.
well to hell with that. im not the victim of a break up i am breaking free from it and im going to spend spring break with all my amazing friends, (Ashley Tat Austin James Ashley Ryan Deziree and maybe if the jerk is lucky Kolby, who by the way broke four bones in his foot and is on crutches and going to get fat. muahahahahahaha.)

Sooo... I've been busy.

I am really loving this snow... not.
I hate it so much.
And as a smoker who is always outside freezing her tush off with all her smoker friends,i would know how cold it is.
At least i have kolby to keep me warm.
=)
Aww it was cute he wrote me a poem today.
It talked about the moment we had in between the cars when we first started to talk, and almost kissed, but then a friend came and ruined the moment. Funny now, not so much then. And it mentioned the nights we spent together camping and when we laid under the stars at the summit.
It was the sweetest thing ever.
Coming up to seven months now.
SEVEN!
I cant even believe it.
And really i dont see us ending anytime soon.
We are lovers, but bestest friends too.
I love him.



And work has been good-ish.

But i have had so much fun with ashley kolby and tat lately.
A great group of friends.

Oh my effin gee.

Today = no words can describe.
But wow, really. i spent all day with kolby, and mary jane.
What a day. We should do that more.

Sooo.....

Well this is going to be an interesting blog. Due to conflicting content. Lets start with Church.
Christian City Church is the best. I love the environment. I love what the Pastors have to say, and how they say it. (Pastor Bill, and Pastor Eric)
The youth events are a lot of fun. Even though I only went to youth last Friday. It was a mix of games, worship, and prayer. It was very moving. I really felt something. The youth there are great, so normal. I don't feel judged there at all.
Its fantastic. And I'm going on week 5 this weekend. I really am looking forward to it.
So yeah i might have a job. Sportchek at sunridge. I really hope i get it!
I need insurance money. lol.
I feel so great right now. I had the best day with kolby.
It both started great and ended great.
I had the surprising Revelation that i am truly in love with him.
crazy.